Review part of this video - https://youtu.be/7IUoYPkSmHw

It took me quite a while to read this book. Not because it was bad - far from it. It was just a very hard read but was about a subject that is very important to read and learn about. I had heard loads of hype about this book about five months ago and the hype lasted for about a week and then I didn't hear anything after that. Well, this is me bringing back the hype, because it's out next week and I think everyone should read this.

When Hedda discovers she is pregnant, she doesn’t believe she could ever look after a baby. The numbers just don’t add up. She is young, and still in the grip of an eating disorder that controls every aspect of how she goes about her daily life. She’s even given her eating disorder a name – Nia. But as the days tick by, Hedda comes to a decision: she and Nia will call a truce, just until the baby is born. 17 weeks, 119 days, 357 meals. She can do it if she takes it one day at a time …

Our main character, Hedda, suffers from anorexia and has done since she was thirteen-years-old. Throughout this book, we witness her realise that she is pregnant, the pain and torture that she goes through to make sure her baby is okay whilst it is still inside of her, and we see the journey that she goes through once the baby is born.

This book was just an immense rollercoaster. Reading about anorexia is hard-hitting as it is, but reading about a girl with an eating disorder and pregnant just made me really nervous. I wanted Hedda to pull through for her own sake, but also for the baby's as well. Whenever she would ration her food or do extra exercise, I just wanted to yell at her that she has to look after her baby. I know that Nia was constantly whispering into Hedda's ear, and I know that voice is hard to get rid of but I just kept thinking about the baby.

I really did like the character of Hedda though. She knew what had to be done and even though she was slightly stubborn at first, she had amazing character development and recognised that she had a support system around her that would help her with anything.




"Most of the time, what I'm sure of is that people will let you down so it;s best to give them a push in that direction sooner rather than later. People are pretty predictable."

- Karen Gregory, Countless





The character that I really didn't like was Hedda's mom. She just angered me so much! Does she not realise the shit that Hedda has been going through since she was 13?! I know it's hard on the people around Hedda to witness what she's doing to herself, but that doesn't mean that the parents get to disown her and basically ignore her existence. Her mom was just the epitome of unsupportive and it really annoyed me how it was blatantly obvious that she preferred Hedda's baby over Hedda herself. I just thought she was absolutely horrible.

I also didn't really see the point of the character: Robin. Was he just there for some sort of love interest? I don't know. But yet again, *minor spoiler ahead* he was just another person to let Hedda down. Another disappointment.

Overall, this was a brilliant book. Apart from the slow beginning and my confusion of the character of Robin, I think that this is such an important book to read. Reading about a character with an eating disorder is hard as it is, but when a person with an ED becomes pregnant - which means they put on weight - what do they do? It must be so bloody hard for them to come to grips with what is happening to them, and what they have to do. They must feel so scared. And that's why this book is important. Because it explores that and brings issues to the surface.

Disclaimer: this book was sent to me by the publisher in exchange for an honest review

Released 4th May

This was a beautiful and heartbreaking story, which ended with hope (thank goodness as I wouldn't have been able to function otherwise). Hedda was an authentic character who struggled through her life, the power of her anorexia and its control over her was confronting and the love she had for her daughter versus the disgust she had for herself was a daily battle. This was an excellent story that I couldn't put down.

Thanks to Bloomsbury Publishing for my review copy via Netgalley.

This is the story of Hedda, 17 years old, aneroxic and pregnant. She lives alone in a dingy flat, because, after multiple stays in a unit to try and help her overcome her anorexia, her mother doesn't want her around her younger sister for fear of any influencing effect. So Hedda is alone. Her pregnancy is the result of a one-night stand, and as she can't face the idea of having an abortion, she must find a way to overcome her food issue for the sake of her baby.
There was so much I really loved about this book. Firstly, the fact that it was a YA book that didn't focus on romance at all was quite refreshing. I also found the portrayal of Hedda's on-going struggle with anorexia incredibly powerful and realistic, nothing was sugar-coated or glossed over and it opened my eyes to how all-encompassing an illness it really is. (Incidentally, I was unsurprised to learn the author had drawn on her own past because you just couldn't make this up – though she is quick to state Hedda's story is fictitious). At times I wasn’t to shake Hedda, at others I wanted to hug her – evidence that she really got under my skin. I was also overwhelmed by the ending. May be it hit me harder because I'm a mum, but Hedda's actions brought tears to my eyes.
This books is just one of the reasons that YA is becoming more and more recognised and valued. Every school library should have copy.

I find books like this one – serious, relentless, grotesquely eerie - difficult to rate mainly because while I appreciate the effectiveness of the point the writer is trying to make, my star ratings are influenced by enjoyment, and I did not enjoy this book. Torn between the vice-like grip of her eating disorder and the desire to keep her daughter strong, pregnant teenager Hedda is engaged in a narratively violent struggle with the anorexia she calls Nia.

Countless is gritty, efficient and reminiscent of work by Melvin Burgess, Nick Hornby and Clare Furniss. It’s peppered with difficult choices, old habits and skewed relationships, with characters you’d expect to be central failing to step up while others take their place. There’s unexpectedly kind neighbour Robin, honest fellow new mother Lois, Hedda’s distant, critical and painfully unforthcoming parents, her perfect, detached sister Tammy, and, never too far away, the reminders of the protagonist’s eating-disorder semi-existence. It’s not a terribly diverse book, but YA readers looking for books without a romance may find the focus on character, topical issues and Hedda’s personal journey works for them.

Gregory explores themes of love, self-esteem, family breakdown and flashbacks to the weird world of ED units, where sufferers go ostensibly for treatment but usually wind up building toxic ‘friendships’ and becoming locked in some bizarre race to be thinnest, sickest, cruellest. She writes with both immense empathy and unflinching characterisation, but the book is undoubtedly triggering and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone who has had or come into contact with real-life eating disorders. Moments of hope and Hedda’s unquestionable love for daughter Rose are really the only features that make reading a book that might be gripping if it weren’t so chilling possible.

A longer review of this book will appear on my blog closer to publication.

Although the subject matter makes this tough going at times, it's a compelling read with a believable heroine whose fate the reader feels emotionally invested in. An impressive debut

I absolutely loved Countless. You really get in to the mindset of Hedda, the main character. The story was so heart wrenching and also believable. It didn't fall in to the stereotypical tropes I expected it to. I would love a companion book, just something to give me a glimpse in to the future. This is a book that's going to stay with me for a while. For a first novel, it's fantastic!

REVIEW
I aren't totally sure exactly what initially drew me to this book, but for some reason I got the same 'I have to read this' feeling that I got from Eileen Cook's With Malice.Though I think once I noticed this book cover and its byline caught my interest and made me curious. Especially the girl with her legs tucked under her chin. I wanted to know why she wanted to make herself look so small.

I did enjoy reading this book, I felt very drawn in and truly found myself both caring about what would happen to Hedda and at certain points of the book I felt I could identify with her thoughts and feelings around eating. As I was what some would call "naturally thin" when I was younger, everyone always tried to get me to eat "that bit more" and it used to make me not want to eat at all! I also lacked confidence and for example couldn't bring myself to eat my friends houses or even at boyfriends house, which caused endless problems. I could literally be physically sick and shake thinking about it! So I think I identified a lot with Hedda when she finally wants to eat but then finds that she just can't physically do it.

I do find the cover eye catching and somewhat unusual to others around at this time. When I read the blurb I was hooked. The title Countless is kind of something Hedda needs to do "count less". She counts every calorie, every mouthful or morsel she eats to please those round her. I adore the byline of "Love means holding on . . . .Love means letting go . . " Both these sentences fit very well in different parts of the book.
I was intrigued by the small stick like figure sitting in a childlike pose on the cover, it looks very small compared to the the large tear shaped droplets all around her. I'd say this is how Hedda see's herself in comparison to her surroundings in her life. The actual illustration of the figure instantly brought the Mrs Pepperpot books written by Alf Proyson and illustrated by Bjorn Berg to my mind. I can totally identify with Hedda feeling so small and insignificant in the grander scheme of life around her.
I think I would most certainly pick this book up from a book store shelf to learn more about it, and then it would be a must buy and read once I'd read the blurb!

The genres listed for this book on Netgalley are General Fiction (Adult), and Teens & YA, the Goodreads listed genres are, Health and Mental Health. I would agree with these genres but personally believe the book is even more. First of all I would say anorexia is both a physical and mental health issue. I would add "relationships" as a genre, as there are many different, relationships featured in the book each with their own issues and problems. From Hedda's relationship with Nia, the name she gives her anorexia. To her relationship's with her parents, her younger sister and her neighbours that live either side of her little flat. The possible light at the end of the tunnel kind of almost naive budding relationship with Robin, that almost, but just doesn't quite blossom. Hedda's parents have their own issues, the state of their marriage, their relationship with Hedda and their other daughter Tamara.
In my opinion a lot of the characters in this book seem to put a proportion of blame on Hedda's young and narrow shoulders, when they should maybe be looking inwards at themselves too.

I suppose I should give you a gist, or a basics of the book. . .Hedda is living in her own flat and attending counselling back at the out patient section unit she recently left. Hedda has had a long term issue with food. Hedda is anorexic, her mother has refused to have her back at the family home saying that Hedda is a bad influence on her younger and more favoured sister Tamara. Hedda attends the couselling because she has to, but that doesn't mean she has to really fully take part in them when she see's Felicity. Felicity does try her best to encourage Hedda to deal with her anorexia, and tries to get Hedda to open up about her feelings and reasons behind her actions. Hedda only begins to open up her head and heart when she becomes pregnant. Hedda decides she will eat for the sake of her unborn baby. Hedda cannot ignore or beat the voice of Nia for herself but for her baby she will fight Nia with everything she has. It is a lonely life for Hedda, with an angry and noisy male neighbour on one side, and then Robin moves in to the flat at the other side of Hedda's. The flats are basic and to begin with Hedda is more "existing" than living but with the persistence of Robin, the unquestioning and consistent support of Felicity Hedda's life does improve.

Personally I think Hedda really does try to be everything to everyone in her life. It's no wonder she has nothing left for herself at the end of the day. Hedda believes she isn't worth the bother, but then when she becomes pregnant and responsible for another tiny new life she has to bother about herself and her own body as it has to both support and provide the correct nutrients for her baby. I loved the way she just knows she is having a girl. I adore the way Robin brings her white roses as his Grammy once told him they represent new beginnings. In fact it's a combination of Robin's gift and Hedda's other visitors at the time why her baby ends up being called Rose. I did honestly think from an earlier comment in the book that Hedda would call the baby Molly. I am so glad she didn't, she would have almost being set up her daughter to fail before she ever had a chance to try.

Going back to the byline "Love means holding on . . . .Love means letting go . . " At certain parts of the book, Hedda is eating, not for herself but to stay well and feed her unborn child. Hedda is forcing herself to eat just enough, forcing herself to "hold on" for the sake of her unborn child that she already loves more than herself. Though she counts every morsel of food, making sure she eats the correct amount, no more and no less than needed for her unborn baby to thrive. Sadly towards the latter end of the book the second sentence of the by line "...Love means letting go . . ." is also something Hedda has to come to terms with and has to reach out for help which means letting go of the one thing/person in her life she loves and treasures the most. Hedda manages to look at her situation and decide to take the path of doing the greater good.

Of course I loved the character of Hedda and really did identify with her on a lot of levels. Her relationship with food, her need to please everyone else, her feelings that she has disappointed people in her life. I found Hedda a very believable and realistic character. I instantly warmed to Robin and saw him becoming a possible father to baby Rose at one point. Then along with Hedda we discover he has problems of his own. I'd like to think that maybe a year or two ahead in time that Robin and Hedda will be in a better place in their individual lives that perhaps they could come back together as a family unit with Rose.
I admit to becoming really angry with Hedda's parents. Hedda's father just leaves when the going gets tough and it isn't the first time he has done this which goes part way to explaining some of the emotional problems between Hedda and her mother. I was really shocked by the way he abandons his family, including Hedda who really needs him and his help. I felt both anger and sympathy for Hedda's mother, she was another character in the book who was holding a lot of emotions and problems inside, trying to single handedly put on a "good family" facade to the outside world.
I was pleased the way the relationship between Tamara and Hedda improved. It began rocky with the girls more or less ignoring each other to Tamara going to Hedda both for support for herself because of the marriage break up of their parents, and also Tamara enjoying being an auntie to Rose.
Other great characters I just have to mention were Vi, the lady at the food bank who later plays a larger part in Hedda's future, and Lois, a pregnant mum to be, that fate has Hedda cross paths with on more than one occasion.

As I was reading this book I found it really thought provoking. The issues it raised and how the book covered them had me asking myself asking more and more questions as well as wanting to ask the characters in the book why they were reacting the way they did. I'd say by the end of the book some of the questions were answered, others were left for you to ponder about.

I found this book a very emotional and enlightening read and had misty eyes and shed quite a few tears towards the end. The difficult choices that Hedda has to make both about the welfare of her cherished baby Rose and her own health welfare too. I was so upset at the end of the book, I felt broken hearted for Hedda, Rose and their situation. The epilogue was a necessity after the "ending". I will be totally honest and state I would of hated the ending even though it was both a realistic, truthful and logical one. The epilogue gave the reader and the characters some hope of what could happen, it was the light at the end of the long journey through the darkened tunnel.

To stop me going on and on forever about this book, because I truly could. I feel my review has only touched on a very small portion of the contents and complexities contained in the book. So to finally sum up I have to add that I loved this book from the first page to the last, a very realistic and truthful look at anorexia, what it does to the person unable to eat along with the family and friends watching that person waste away. Enlightening, engrossing, and emotional.

We've seen a bit of hype about this book going around the UKYA twitter-sphere, and so were really looking forward to reading it as soon as it came up on NetGalley. It's a story of love, dependence and pressure, with a bitter sweet edge that's guaranteed to make you feel something by the end. Let's talk about the pros and cons!

Plot
Hedda is young and suffering from an eating disorder without the support of her parents. She's living in a council flat, struggling for cash, and having to go to therapy to talk through her issues. Recently, her best friend died because of her anorexia, and Hedda is still dealing with the repercussions of that disaster. Something she really didn't need in her life were more complications, but, surprise!, she's also pregnant.

The father isn't involved in the story, which makes it that much more difficult for Hedda to cope. When I first picked up the book, I thought the whole book would be about her pregnancy, like Trouble by Non Pratt, but she actually gives birth 40% through the story, so I got a lot more of her life than I was expected.

I think if I had to use one book to describe the book, it would be a struggle. Everything Hedda does and decision she makes, is complicated and affects more than just her. She isn't well. She isn't in a good mental state, but she still has to deal with all these things, and you can't blame her for failing to cope. This is one of the most hard hitting books I've read recently, but in a good way. I like reading things that challenge me and my emotions.

Characters
I'm really struggling with how to describe Hedda, because it feels unfair to call her unlikeable when her life is so difficult, and I didn't find it hard to sympathise with her, but hard to like her.

In that way, I think it's the most realistic portrayal of a mental illness I've read, because there's not that promise of everything being rosy by the end. Even though Hedda is in therapy, it's not working, and even though she knows she has to eat for the sake of her baby, it's not an instant cure. I had to keep reading to know if things were going to be alright, and that's one of the reasons I read the book so quickly!

I think what's most interesting in the book is how Hedda gives her illness a name: Nia. You can instantly tell that it's a controlling presence in her life, and feels like another character on her shoulder, colouring her judgement. But, as usual, the mental health issue and the main character are almost indistinguishable, so Hedda can come off as a little 2-D in some aspects.

It's fascinating to compare Hedda to the other characters around her, and I think this is a great ensemble cast, with so many perspectives on Hedda's situation that made me think of my own standpoint.

Romance
Despite being a hard hitting, teeth baring book of reality, Hedda also gets to experience the joys of having someone else she can rely on for advice and comfort. I wouldn't necessarily say that romance was the right answer for her story, but support definitely was, so when she and her neighbour were baking together, I liked to think of it in a purely plutonic way, and that would have been a much healthier relationship dynamic.

Verdict
If you're interesting in reading a book about eating disorders, about teen pregnancy, or about a character that is dealing with a harsh reality, this is for you. The tonic for fluffy contemporaries, Countless makes a point about love and doing what's best while not being full of sunshine and rainbows. I'm giving it 3.5 stars, with a strong recommendation!

This is painful and beautiful and heartbreaking and real and oh so beautiful.

I loved Hedda, I found her to be completely relateable and realistic. I loved how determined she was to get through her pregnancy without damaging her baby due to her illness and was so happy that she managed it. I also loved her attitude after Rose was born, she so wanted to be a perfect mum and my heart broke for her when she struggled.

Her relationship with her parents and sister was done very well too. There was a lot of pain and serious problems between them which were not magically fixed by a baby but they did work on their relationships and I think it was done very impressively. There was no quick fix, there were a lot of arguments and disagreeing on all sorts of issues.

I also think that this is one of the best representations of any mental illness I have ever read. Hedda is anorexic and shows very clear signs of depression too. This was handled beautifully by the author. I think it would have been really easy to make mistakes around this kind of illness, but I feel that it was portrayed accurately and sensitively. Felicity, Joanna and Mary were all brilliant characters who helped bring the issues surrounding Hedda's illness to life.

To be honest, I wasn't really fussed about Robin, I thought he was nice enough but never found myself shipping him and Hedda. He seemed like a decent person though, clearly wanted her to get better and was willing to put a lot of effort into helping her. I have no issue with him and I think other people will be really interested in his part in this story but for me, this book was about Hedda and Rose and they were all I really cared about.

Despite the incredibly sad nature of this book, I felt hopeful all the way through. I believed that Hedda could defeat her demons. No spoilers here but I do think what happened at the end was heartbreakingly realistic and perfectly done. The epilogue provided a perfect ending to a wonderful, wonderful book that I will be buying a physical copy of when it comes out.

Hedda has an eating disorder. And until recently, she has been utterly defined by it. She's even given it a name - Nia. And she allows herself to be consumed by her eating disorder, in many parts of her life, which alienates her from people who could help, including her family. But Hedda realises she is no longer the only one who will be hurt by her condition (not that she ever really was), when she discovers she is 20 weeks pregnant and has a responsibility to keep her baby healthy. She promises Nia she will eat just enough to keep her baby healthy, and nothing more. She represents hundreds of people and her story really resonated with me.

I feel like I know Hedda. Pieces of her hit me hard, and I recognised elements of her personality in ways I wished I hadn't; this author really gets the mental health, anxiety and compulsion associated with eating disorders.

Hedda compulsively measures, counts and adjusts every aspect of her life to keep herself calm, and in line with what Nia needs her to do. She assesses the other women she encounters - 'am I thinner than them?'. She is precise, cutting food into tiny pieces and making pacts with Nia to keep herself on track. It is an automatic, natural way of living for her. And this doesn't mean to say Hedda doesn't know she does this, or even like it, but she absolutely HAS to do it. And that is so perfectly demonstrated in this book in just the right way. This author captures these thought processes so well; if you've ever been affected by or seen someone you love affected by eating disorders this will seem scarily close to home. She highlights that Hedda both hates and needs Nia; something a lot of readers might not initially relate to, but is really important to read about. It's so upsetting, harrowing really, but this inner turmoil was absolutely an eye opener. It certainly made me realise how easy it is to look at a person superficially, but not actually see them, and assume you understand them anyway. We don't know what makes people behave the way they do a lot of the time, and this concept really captivated me - I couldn't put it down!

Hedda goes through much more than this however in this book and her character development is impressive. Her bravery made her so likeable, even when she seemed at her lowest points. Her brutally honest self reflections were so difficult to read but beautifully told her story.

Hedda is, I'm sure, one of many young woman, in a difficult situation, trying to find the right balance with a demon on her shoulder always pushing her back down. So this book isn't hugely original, or fast paced and exciting, but it is important - I highly recommend it. Even if it just opens your eyes to look a bit harder at someone you don't yet understand.

Countless is a heart-breaking story; it ripped my heart out and didn’t entirely put it back. It tells the story of a very troubled girl, seventeen-year-old Hedda, who has been in and out of hospital most of her life for anorexia and now finds herself pregnant. I imagine it’s hard enough being pregnant without being so young, living in a grubby flat because your parents don’t want your ‘corrupting influence’ on your younger sister, and being in the throes of a mental illness that doesn’t want to let go. It’s not a pleasant story but it is an important one that doesn’t shy away from the harsh realities of mental illness and teen pregnancy.

I felt so deeply for Hedda – she’s young, angry at the world, defensive, and missing her best friend, all whilst dealing with mental illness and pregnancy. She finds out she’s pregnant (nearly five months) following a one night stand and decides to follow through with the pregnancy, intending to have the baby adopted. She makes a deal with anorexia, which she personifies as ‘Nia’, to eat just enough until the baby has been born and then continue as she was. She has so much to deal with but I found it admirable that she tried to put aside her issues to nourish her baby – it’s not all sunshine and daisies but she really tries, and it reminded me that there’s always something more to a person than we can see and to not judge so fast.

The book really shows the horrible way eating disorders can work – you know it’s causing problems, and you try to pull yourself out of it, but it’s your normal, it’s your control, and there’s a comfort in that, even if it’s not healthy. Anorexia is Hedda’s normal, something she’s dealt with most of her life, and even though it’s damaged her relationship with her family, her body, and her education, it’s something that’s always been there with her. Through the narrative we get insights into her time on the wards and what she thought was ‘good’ and ‘bad’ about it – Hedda slowly realises that there were aspects of life of life on the unit that she enjoyed and missed, and gradually realises things about her battle with anorexia that she had always refused to see.

Although I found this book overwhelmingly sad, there is hope – I won’t go into too much detail but the ending does give a glimmer of hope, which is much needed after the heart wrenching events of the novel. Some might find this book too much – too much sadness and hardship – but that is reality; life is hard and mental illness is harder, and a seventeen-year-old who is suffering from anorexia and pregnant is not going to have an overwhelmingly happy story. I personally found it to be incredibly realistic and honest (something that was reinforced in the Author’s Note at the end), and I was glad that it didn’t end with a ‘happily ever after’ scenario, as those generally do only belong in fairy tales.