This book was so raw and real. It definitely wasn't an easy read and uncomfortable at times yet I couldn't and didn't want to put it down. There were moments where it almost read like an autobiography rather than a fictional story which just made it all the more compelling.

The story centres around Vanessa. a 15-year-old student who gets romantically involved with a teacher, to her it was an epic love story but 17 years later said teacher is accused of sexual abuse by a former student and Vanessa is left questioning everything.

“I just really need it to be a love story. You know? I really, really need it to be that.”
“Because if it isn’t a love story, then what is it?”

It really does live up to its title of being dark but I would still read it all over again.

The story moves back and forth between Vanessa’s past and present. A past where she enters a relationship with a teach 30+ years her senior and a present where people are trying to get her to talk about that relationship. In no way is this an easy read, in fact half the time I found my self squirming in my seat at some of the prose, but it was also fascinating and un-put-downable.

For me it felt like the novel was possibly a Lolita from the girl’s point of view, maybe to the males she comes across as bold, confident and sexy but inside is a minefield and her actions towards men have been bread from her early interactions. Had she not been involved with an older professor would she have behaved the way she did with other men, would her life have been the same, is there something dark inside her? This book makes you really question what’s going on and whether, at 15, she can really say that she did want it.

“I never would have done it if you weren’t so willing,” he’d said. It sounds like delusion. What girl would want what he did to me? But it’s the truth, whether anyone believes it or not."

There is no doubting that she is a very astute and mature 15-year-old, but does that mean she fully understood what she was getting involved in? Does that make her less of a victim?
‘…I wasn’t pretty, I’d have to wait a long time before anyone noticed me because boys had to mature before they cared about anything else. In the meantime, apparently my only option was to wait. Like girls sitting in the bleachers at basketball games watching boys play, or girls sitting on the couch watching boys play video games. Endless waiting. It’s funny to think how wrong Mom was about all that. Because there’s another option for those brave enough to take it—bypass boys altogether, go straight to men. Men will never make you wait, men who are starved and grateful for scraps of attention, who fall in love so hard they throw themselves at your feet. ‘

I also feel that this novel comes at a pivotal time, when there are allegations flying, and asks some serious questions, is there any point in coming forward now, what will it achieve, is it beneficial to the individual to relive it all in such a public way? Not only does it ask these questions, it reminds us that every person is different and while some may need to expose it in order to get over it for others it may well just break them.

I can see this being absolutely huge next year, it will divide or unite people and will absolutely be all anyone is talking about. Thanks to Net Galley & 4th Estate for my ARC copy of this book.

Sadly a familiar topic regarding grooming and rape, but a well written book which will hopefully help strengthen future generations in their fight against sexual coercion and power.
Thank you to netgalley and fourth estate for an advance copy of this book.

I received an advanced readers copy in exchange for an honest review

I really didn’t expect where this book was going. I had initially been disappointed it wasn’t a “thriller” as advertised but in fact I would say it exceeded expectations. A slow burn at first but you have to stick with it to get to the goods. Can’t recommend it enough

After of a week of putting my thoughts of this book down on paper I think I’m just about ready to share them with you.
🤔
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My Dark Vanessa by Kate Elizabeth Russell published by @4thestatebooks .
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This has been tipped to be the most anticipated read of 2020 and I can certainly see why.
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This book will hit the whole of your emotional spectrum so be prepared. It is dark, frustrating, conflicting, harrowing, heartbreaking and brave. It will make you angry, annoyed, upset and heartfelt. .
You will want to stop reading it as it makes you feel uncomfortable but yet the pull of it makes you want to read more to see the outcome of it. Unsettling yet compulsive .
Vanessa is in her thirties and what she believed was her greatest love story from her teenage years is now turning out to be something far far more sinister.
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Vanessa is a grade A student and has a really talent for literature and writing. She has a new English teacher called Jacob Strane. Little does she realise the impact that this man will have on her life.
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He gives Vanessa a lot of attention and she starts to idolised and look up to him. He slowly starts to give her more and more 1-1 attention. She has her first sexual encounter with him when she is 15years old.
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As she grows up and goes to college the relationship is still going on. She truly believes that it is true love.
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Now in her thirties she is forced to re-visit when it comes to light that there are allegations of sexual abuse by the very person she loved Jacob Strane. .
Vanessa has clearly been so well groomed that she defends her abuser and doesn’t even consider that she has been abused.
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Strane does not believe that he has done anything wrong and that it’s the imagination of the victims.
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It is such a bold and brave topic to write about as it is such a taboo subject. It is written from the past and present of Vanessas life. From the time the abuse started to the present day.
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You see the naivety-of Vanessa and the devastating effect it has on her throughout her life. .
I feel this is going to be the marmite of 2020. I’m sure it will stir up many

I had some initial reluctance towards starting this novel, firstly because i really didnt like the title (not getting the literary reference i just thought it sounded like some dodgy erotica novel). And secondly, because i thought it was a bit bandwagon-y, particularly with the similarity to Maggie's story in Lisa Taddeo's Three Women. However, what Kate Elizabeth Russell has produced actually feels quite fresh and the first half of the novel makes for very compelling reading. It inhabits the victim's adolescent viewpoint very convincingly, asking uncomfortable questions about the boundaries between acquiescence and consent. I was absolutely riveted to the grooming of Vanessa as it initially unfolded. However the story is told over two time periods and i did feel this was a more of a mixed success. As the two time periods edge closer together, there are points which become confusing and elements of story which disappear, possibly alluding to Vanessa's unreliability as a narrator. The ending feels rushed and a little too neat. However it was a thought provoking and compelling read.

Not sure quite what to say about this book, it is well written and gripping. Compelling reading, but I didn't find it shocking just rather tragic and sad.
The story of a precocious teenage girl who seduces her middle aged teacher. Well that's how she sees it.
It's a teenage crush taken to obsession but who is obsessed with who? It jumps about in time quite a bit which I found a little confusing.
Vanessa was a schoolgirl of 15 when she began a long lasting affair with her teacher. She is an adult now still in touch with Jacob Strane, the teacher who everyone insists abused her, whilst she continues to view it as the love affair of her life.
It has certainly made a lasting impression on her, so much that she still keeps in touch with her lover and even when he is accused of similar acts that people have said he committed against her, she defends him vehemently.
The one thing which sustains her, even now she is a lonely grown woman who drinks too much, is her own conviction of her own power, the knowledge that she instigated everything, she used her attractiveness, her wiles, her seductiveness to woo him. She revels in the feeling that she is a bad girl and she always will be.
She sees herself as some kind of femme-fatale with this power over men, she harbours dark desires, she is Lolita, she is different, she is special .... (the reality is she is flawed and she is broken)
She is unable to sustain relationships because everything she does and everyone she grows close to pales in comparison with the intensity of feelings aroused by her illicit affair with this older man.
But undoubtedly he was culpable, he was the adult he should have known better and he should never, ever have given in to the temptation of taking this pretty young girl into his bed.
Having lasting repercussions this is one affair which was never going to end well for anyone involved.
Dark, moving and compulsive reading.

This is a very hard review to write; I’m finding it tough to put into words how I felt about this book. I have wavered between giving it 3 and 5 stars, because I can’t say that I enjoyed it, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a good book. Obviously, the controversial subject matter is what makes it most difficult to define. I have never experienced this type of sexual abuse, so I am cautious of passing judgment on Vanessa and her journey. It’s also extremely explicit, so I would warn against reading it if you may be triggered by some of the content - or at least go carefully. The part I liked the least were the obvious and constant parallels drawn to Nabakov’s ‘Lolita’ - it felt a little lazy. But it kept me reading, I read it quite quickly, and it is an interesting look at themes of memory, abuse, love, childhood, adulthood, family, relationships - amongst others. I’d be interested to hear others’ thoughts, and where Russell goes next.

On the surface, this would seem a simple story. 42yr old man has an affair with a 15yr old female student. Big no. Case closed right? Well not really. The author takes us on a no holds barred, deeply nuanced and questioning look at exactly what this sort of relationship entails. Is it simply paedophilia – a lot of people would like the simplicity of being able to say it is, but unless you’re prepared to have a nuanced conversation, then you cannot effectively argue why. Anyone in a position of power should not be having a relationship with a minor in their power imo. But the author looks at blurred lines, at arbitrary numbers like the age of consent and statutory rape. She asks if any 15yr old is in the position of being mature enough to give consent, and what retroactively realising and removing that consent means for an individual. There are few clear answers but that is the point, I think. The line has to be drawn somewhere to protect minors so even if it is an arbitrary one, it’s there for a reason. It also looks at grooming and whether emotional abuse in the form of manipulation doesn’t make the question of informed underage consent moot. This is an uncomfortable and searingly honest book, but a very important one too. It’s very well written and seeks to make you ask questions rather than presenting you with conclusions. Recommended but treat with care.

TW: child sexual abuse discussed throughout this book, grooming, consent.

"'it's just my luck,' he said, 'that when I finally find a soulmate, she's fifteen years old'"

No lie, when I got approved for this book on NetGalley I had a mini freak out; this is a book that I have seen ALL OVER bookstagram for the last few months and really wanted to get my hands on it, so I am very thankful to NetGalley and 4th Estate Books for approving my request and allowing me to read a copy of this eARC.

This book has really been on my radar for a while because I saw the synopsis and was so intrigued by it. It's taken me a while to actually craft this review because I just don't feel like I can do this book justice at all. It is a really uncomfortable read; I am starting with this because if you don't think you can cope with reading a whole book about child sexual abuse, grooming, and discussions around consent, then I wouldn't recommend picking this up. It is very uncomfortable at times because you are reading this from the perspective of a teenager who simply believes she fell in love with her teacher. Vanessa doesn't see herself as a victim, although she knows that other girls in her position are victims she doesn't see herself as one because she feels she went in with her eyes open, and so a large portion of the book is her justifying their relationship, whilst also battling with the reality that maybe she was abused.

"it's a question, but he isn't really asking"

It is really harrowing but really good at the same time; Kate's writing is hauntingly beautiful and brilliant at the same time. You both sympathise with Vanessa but also get frustrated with her at the same time. As I read the eARC I was highlighting throughout any bits that were uncomfortable or hard to read and I damn near highlighted entire chapters. What made this so hard to read for me, was just how many people let Vanessa down when she was a child. It is quite obvious that the vast majority of the staff at her school knew there was some sort of relationship going on, the vast majority of Vanessa's peers also knew about this relationship, Vanessa's own mother knew about it!!! I was so frustrated that none of them really did anything or stood up for her, no matter what she said she was the child and she was owed better.

"I mean, she's obviously a slut. Who has sex with a teacher? Who does something like that?"

It's chilling, and harrowing, and complex, and so good. It starts off in an uncomfortable place and it doesn't stop, and it explores such an interesting view of consent and the power dynamics. It's a really relevant story for the time we currently live in and I think it is going to be really divisive for readers. I honestly don't know what else I can say about this book because I feel like nothing will truly do it justice.

"it's my birthday in two days, twentytwo. Seven years of my life defined by this. When I look back, I won't see anything else"

This book will be published 31st March 2020; I highly recommend you picking it up.

I finished this book almost 2 weeks ago and wanted to wait to leave it settle before reviewing it. It was such an intense and emotive read about such a sensitive subject. Stories like this need to be told as they happen far too often than is realised. This book told the story of how Strane completely manipulated Vanessa throughout both her teenage past right through to her current adult life. This story is so well told with such delicate details which really give you an insight into this disturbing relationship and just how damaging it is to Vanessa. Of course there are parts which are very tough to read but I felt that they were relevant and necessary to convey the true nature of the abuse and story. One of the best books I've read in a long time.

It's been nearly a week since I've finished this book and I've been a bit sad I can't still read it.

When I started this and realised it's a story about a pedophile, I wasn't so sure. But read enough glowing reviews to continue it. And I'm extremely glad I did. I loved it. It was icky and hard to read at points, but not enough to overall not get into it. And while it's not perfect, as there are too many convenient events going on (her working at a sexual help center, her having that blog that everyone read, her prof's wife at her old school, etc). I did not care. The writing grabbed me by the eyes and I became intoxicated with Vanessa. Especially as she continued her relationship until the end. And while I don't think it was sympathetic to Strane, it painted a detailed complex web of how Vanessa ended up where she did.

I loved, loved, loved it and can't wait to see what Russell writes next.

Thank you NetGalley and 4th Estate Books for giving me the chance to read this title in exchange for my honest review.

I had seen several people raving about this title and it certainly lived up to the reputation it was quickly building! As with Hanya Yanagihara’s A Little Life, which I read at the beginning of the year, this is a book that you hesitate to say, ‘oh yes, I really enjoyed it’. When it deals with such dark subject matter, how can you? On that note, this novel should come with trigger warnings for child abuse, sexual abuse and rape.

Vanessa is just fifteen when her forty-five-year-old English teacher, Jacob Strane, grooms her and begins a sexual relationship with her. The story is told entirely from Vanessa’s point of view (I could not have read this novel if it wasn’t) and flits between the present, when she is thirty-two, and the past, as she looks back on her relationship with Strane.

In the present, now sixty-two-year-old Strane has been accused by another former student, Taylor Birch, a few grades below Vanessa, of sexual abuse. Vanessa is contacted by both Taylor, and a journalist, out to get a winning by-line by capitalising on the #MeToo movement, have both asked Vanessa to come forward with her own story, which is what leads her to deeply examine what she considers to be the greatest love and most defining aspect of her life – her relationship with Strane.

There are no chapters and sometimes not even a line break to divide the present and past, making it seem almost like a stream of consciousness and, as such, we come to truly get to know and understand Vanessa. As a teen, she is self-conscious, insecure and desperate for love and attention. Incredibly intelligent, yet naïve, and introverted, freshly broken-hearted from a platonic breakup with her bestie and isolated at a boarding school where she feels she doesn’t really fit in, it’s no wonder that she is susceptible to the inappropriate attention of the manipulative English teacher she idolises.

It’s scary and upsetting to read about his advances through a teen’s eyes – she half grasps that what he is doing is wrong – and then to also see how Vanessa views this as a young and fully grown adult, all while taking it in as an adult reader who hasn’t been a victim in this way.

I like how Russell has cleverly shown Vanessa’s confusion and how she’s torn between her instincts which tell her that Strane’s behaviours are wrong (she dehumanises him by calling him Strane, finding it odd if he calls himself/is called Jacob, she disassociates and won’t look directly at him) and the opinions, beliefs and ideas he’s forcibly instilled in her. You can see the exact tactics used by the abuser to give the impression that the victim is in control, is a consenting and willing participant, when really that’s not the case at all.

Groomed and taken advantage of at such a formative time, it’s no wonder that the Vanessa in the present feels adrift, identity-less. She defines herself in terms of Strane and the way he and other older men view her. She fetishes and obsesses over youth, she simultaneously feels at a standstill, frozen in time as the girl Strane made her, and also feels that it’s slipping away from her. It’s truly devastating to read.

However, the ending is wonderful. It is hopeful but remains realistic – there’s no neat bow which would only undermine the rest of the story. Vanessa finally recognises where the blame for what happened to her, and to a number of other girls, lies. She finally starts to remember who she was before Strane, to see who she can be without him.

It’s an important story and as sad, angry, frustrated, sick, heartbroken it made me, I’m glad I read it.

This was a difficult book to read at times. Some of the scenes were very graphic and made for uncomfortable, disturbing reading, but this was part of the beauty of this book.

Written with a clear understanding of power dynamics and the relationships (or abuse) that can occur between students and teachers, I enjoyed following Vanessa as she started to realise that perhaps the love story she had created perhaps wasn't the love story she thought it was. An important read at any time, this shows the long lasting effects of an abusive relationship when a minor does not realise that she has been a victim.

Thank you to the publishers and Netgally for my copy of this novel in exchange for my honest opinion.

Dark and disturbing, and powerfully written, this is not an easy read. It explores the dynamics of a relationship between 15-year-old school girl Vanessa and her charismatic 42-year-old English teacher Jacob Strane. Much of the novel is set in the present day, with Vanessa as an adult looking back at their relationship. Strane now stands accused of abusing another student, and Vanessa, who has spent her life viewing their relationship as consensual and herself as deeply flawed, begins to re-examine what really happened. It makes for a harrowing and difficult read. It's timely and thought-provoking, and the characters are impressively tangible.

My Dark Vanessa is definitely a book which makes you think. Compelling , extremely unsettling at times and powerfully raw. The subject is hard to write about yet is done beautifully especially for a debut. Exploring the years of a manipulative relationship it deals with consent and power and is an important read in today’s society that can’t fail not to leave the reader thinking about it long after they have finished it.

This is a very difficult book to read as it covers a long period in a young girls schooling when she is groomed and abused by her English teacher. Aged only 15 and with an as yet undeveloped talent for poetry and writing, Vanessa embraces the attention focused on her from the middle aged teacher Mr Strane, who convinces her that he and he only perceives her as remarkable in every way even if she is invisible to those around her. This attention slowly transforms into inappropriate touching followed by full on abuse. Using an adult awareness and twisted psychology the perpetrator follows an insidious path to take Vanessa from innocent child to damaged adult leaving the reader on a roller coaster of emotions.: A bystander watching a fatal car crash yet unable to intervene. There can be no winners, only losers in this traumatic series of events. Everyone involved is to some extent guilty either by actions or inaction. The timetable of events are revealed slowly and in agonising detail, well written with understated graphic elements that result in highlighting the treachery and abuse carried out on this child by a trusted and respected teacher. Not an enjoyable read but certainly an enlightening one and perhaps curriculum reading for any and everyone involved in caring for, the education or welfare of children and young vulnerable adults.

I just need to give this 5* for so many reasons.
It’s a disturbing unsettling read, but it’s also completely compulsive.
It’s a topic that is both daunting and happens although this is a fiction novel.

A taboo subject that messes with your head.
A teacher perverted who messes with a 15 year olds head.

Vanessa hasn’t many friends, she seems lonely at times (to me)

A start of her teacher “grooming” Vanessa sent the hair on the back of my neck up on end.

What was twisted was the “affair”. When she finds out others had been ‘approached ‘ by him too, that was wrong, in Vanessas eyes, but her relationship with him (again in her eyes) was different, he cared about her, it was live, he loved her.

It 𝖎𝖘 unsettling, you can easily see what’s going on and I wanted to call him out.
Report him. Challenge him. Punish him and protect Vanessa.

How did she equate in her mind that he could do this?
Because he loved her.
Yet, sometimes he repulsed her.

There are so many sides, views, aspects and divisions of this story that on the last page you will sit and reflect on what you’ve just read. I’m sure you will.

This is such a well written book, it tackles this so well all the mindsets were interesting as I could see that although some things were plain and simple to me, to others, we view things differently.

Will he be brought to account?
Will Vanessa view what he did as abuse etc ?

This is released in January 2020 and I for one just 𝓱𝓪𝓭 to read it.

I'd heard a lot about My Dark Vanessa before I read it, so my expectations were high, but it absolutely delivered. Gripping, well-paced, skilfully told, emotionally nuanced and thought-provoking. It managed to be both timely and not unrelentingly bleak which given the subject matter was something of a feat. Would recommend without reservation!

A dark dark story brilliantly written.A story of a young fifteen year old girl seduced by her teacher.A difficult book to read even more difficult to put down.This book will engender a lot of discussion about abuse .I can see this as a film #netgalley#harpers4thestate .