Not so much a book as a book about a book. Most of the wordcount is spent on Vanasco wrestling with questions of authorship: how to frame the story, how to portray her rapist, how to portray herself, whether she's using writing techniques to hide from the truth.

This approach will probably frustrate anyone hoping for cathartic fury, but it's the right means to her ends. Vanasco's book isn't really about rape so much as it's about living with trauma, about how we rewrite narratives when our world falls apart. A difficult but unforgettable read.

This book is a beautiful and one of a kind memoir about sexual assault and friendship between the author and her fellow high school friend. The book is written many years after the time of an incident and shows the impact it had on the author's life as well as the journey to understanding the reasons and psychology behind the assault. During the book, the author describes her thoughts and make contact with the person who was responsible for her trauma. It's a powerful and honest story. I especially enjoyed the moments in which the author fight with herself about her thoughts - if she should be thinking like that if she is even allowed to.
The book is pretty unique as it alternates between conversations with her friends, phone calls transcriptions, past memories, and author's thoughts during the time of writing the book.
I would recommend this position to everyone.

Unfortunately Things We Didn’t Talk About When I Was a Girl was a DNF for me. I had high hopes for this book so I’m extremely disappointed. I found it incredibly hard to stay engaged, the writing style was just not for me. It was choppy, disjointed and very repetitive.
It was a brave topic but the execution was lacking, it read more like a Q&A with notes for a book someone plans to write, rather than an actual book.

This is a book which is particularly relevant today when so many women feel empowered to speak out following the 'Me Too' campaign. It is a well written powerful memoir and will resonate with many women and for Jeannie obviously a cathartic exercise. It is tough reading but nonetheless an honest thought provoking book on a difficult subject. My only criticism is that it is rather over long and meandering in place but it is not a deterrent.

This book was incredibly interesting. How often do survivors of sexual assault get to, or more would even want to, have the perpetrator willingly be interviewed about the experience. Jeannie's story had me intrigued. This book was captivating and real.

The whole choice to write a story in which you are giving a voice to the perpetrator is something I have never seen done before. The factors involved in Jeannie's sexual assault makes for a case that I haven't seen talked about, as she mentions. It's a new side to the #MeToo movement.

In my opinion, Mark doesn't deserve to be able to share his experience of the assault. In my mind, no matter how much she tried to validate and humanise him, Mark is still a monster to me. Maybe that means that I didn't understand the book, despite this I was invested and I wanted to keep reading. But I hated Mark, I hated the way he felt the need to equalise their experiences as though he was the victim in the scenario. Sorry Buster, but you're the only one in the situation that raped someone. Your experiences are not equal.

The format of the story follows the conversations that Jeannie has with Mark, intertwined with her experiences of life following the sexual assault. At times I found the format hard to follow, especially in the transcribed conversations, in which I'd have to flip back to the last segment to remember what was last spoken between them.

The content is hard to digest in terms of feeling the anger and overwhelming emotions because it's made glaringly clear that Jeannie's experience is not a rare occurrence. At one point in the book Jeannie mentions that whenever she meets a man one of her first thoughts are 'has he ever sexually assaulted someone?'. Her mentions of her students that write about and disclose their own experiences of sexual assault. It makes you reflect on your own life and the people that you know. Has someone I know sexually assaulted someone? Has someone I know been a victim of sexual assault?

I admire Jeannie, and I love that she was surrounded by so much support in the process of writing this book. I loved that people thought she was brave, I love that people were interested. Because I was enthralled with her life. The supportive women that Jeannie has in her life is exactly the type of feminist shit that I live for.

Jeannie's story is going to make a difference in people's lives. And I am glad that I took the time to read her memoir and learn about her experience.

Thank you Prelude Books for sending me a copy to read!

‘Things we didn’t talk about when I was a girl’ is infuriating. It’s sort of a memoir with some journalist qualities, written by Jeannie Vanasco, and it’s written beautifully. The fury comes from her descriptions, her examinations of her encounters with men which have involved, or ended with, sexual assault. It’s the stories from her friends and students (she’s a lecturer in creative writing: memoir) of their encounters with men which have involved, included or ended in sexual assault.

Unwanted contact, intrusive conversations, a refusal to listen to the clear signals, all the way to rape, either penetration with fingers or penis. All of them resulting in the woman involved feeling violation, shame, humiliation.

Vanasco’s focussed one particular sexual assault - that from her ‘friend’ at high school. She had been drinking and he and another friend carried her to the basement to sleep it off. Except her ‘friend’ assaulted her instead. He raped her and while he was doing that and she was sobbing, he told her she was dreaming. The worst thing about that is that I know every woman has a similar story to tell.

This specific assault is discussed in a detached way for some, if not most of the book, while Vanasco examines different perspectives and almost seems to ‘try on’ emotions for size, wondering aloud why she isn’t angrier. I thought that was really interesting - the dissection of how she’s feeling, and how she feels in relation to her attacker. He dropped out of her life soon enough after that, but they did remain friends, at least for long enough for her college boyfriend to meet and dislike him. The lens is through the #meToo movement, as Jeannie worries that her story is too like the others and will be lost among the throng. I hope it isn’t, and I don’t think it will be, mainly because I think everyone’s stories need to be heard but also this is a different enough view, almost scientific, to stand apart.

Quite a lot of chapters are spent discussing how he feels, the impact it had (or didn’t have) on his life, via the means of telephone calls and other communication channels. These are transcribed by Vanasco and critiqued by her and her friends, also writers. I found myself rooting for her, shouting at her for apologising (!) for taking up his time, nodding along when he said he was hurt too, or drunk as well. Thankfully, her friends speak for me and a discussion takes place around his feelings,how important his perspective is and so on.

I fear that it may reach only the women who recognise and feel what she feels though - for maximum impact it needs to reach the attackers and would be rapists of society, the ones who gauge their self worth on how many women they’ve assaulted, who see women as objects to be owned, dominated and bent to their will or else. Please, if you have that guy in your friend group (or heck, if you ARE that guy), read this/get him to read this book. He might start to understand what impact that 30 second encounter has for the woman on the receiving end.

I completely identified with the author throughout this memoir. So much of her experience resonates with me. There are so many things to consider when going public with any reports of sexual assault, in all its many guises. And it's often not the men who crush you most. It's the women who say "well, nothing like that's ever happened to me". If, in fact, it has "happened to you" more than once, it silences you; belittles you; makes you feel even more displaced than you already do. I thank Jeannie Vanasco for unashamedly telling her story. For having the courage not only to speak out, but to admit that often it's not quite so simple as hating the perpetrator. There are so many grey areas that we never acknowledge. For me, this is what makes this work stand out. It makes me want to punch the air. It makes me feel (finally) seen and heard. When someone betrays you by way of sexual assault, all of the feelings you previously had for them don't dissipate into the ether. It's not as simple as unaffected people want it to be and that is why we need this book. We need to stop teaching girls how not to be sexually assaulted and start teaching boys not to do it. Sounds simple because it is, yet here we are. Read this book, think about it, pass it on.

Thanks to NetGalley for an early copy of the book for review.

I've sat and stared at the review page a few times now; I finished it a week ago and I still can't find the words to say how I feel about this book. I think it's because it's not a "normal" book for review. I can't exactly say I enjoyed the book; I don't think it's possible to use that word when reviewing a book that processes a woman's experience of rape. That said, the book obviously meant something to me because I wouldn't give it 5 stars otherwise.
But this battle with language is something that author Jeannie Vanasco constantly faces in her writing. For years, she has said she was sexually assaulted; it was only doing research for this book that she realised she had to call it rape. Similarly, she knows she should not be comforting "Mark" because of what he did to her, but years of friendship means that her language is almost always one of comfort than of distance.
Language is not the only thing Vanasco has to battle against. Many internal conflicts tear her apart, but so does a duty to a larger goal. In an era of #MeToo and women getting to tell their story, Vansco offers her own version of her story - or, rather, her rapist's version. The initial premise of the book comes from wanting to tell a story that isn't often heard, where the memories of one moment are clouded by years of friendship, and, to add extra depth to this, she chooses to include this man's POV. However, she is plagued by the fact that she is giving a man a voice in a world that has typically stolen women's - she worries about how feminist it is to include him, what that's suggesting to the larger community that her story means.
Vanasco is rarely content with her writing, unaware that the book she writes is an important, feminist masterpiece.

Overall opinion of the book:

Okay, as I always do with memoirs, I found it difficult in this case to ‘review’ this book. After all, what right do I have to ‘judge’ a person’s experiences? I will say though, I connected to this book on a deeper level – as I’m sure many women out there will.

What I particularly enjoyed about Things We Didn’t Talk About When I Was a Girl was the way in which it was written. Dozens of little vignettes interspaced with call transcripts and emails between Jeannie and ‘Mark’. I think this style of prose lends itself well to the subject matter – allowing the reader to read in smaller chunks, allowing time to process etc.

This book is definitely one for out time. With the #MeToo movement having a cataclysmic impact on the lives of celebrities, with historical offences coming out of the woodwork, it is so important that we never forget that these awful things not only happen to people we see on our screens, but our friends and neighbours too.

This relatively short book sure packs in a lot of deep and possibly triggering topics;
Rape
Mental Health
Friendship
Suicide
and more. So if you’re someone that find these topics difficult to read about, just be cautious.

Final though:

A necessary book, though difficult to read, that reminds us as humans that we should not have to downplay our experiences and that social view, while they have come a long way, still have a journey to undertake. Things We Didn’t Talk About When I Was a Girl by Jeannie Vanasco is available right now if you’d like to get your hands on it.

This book should be essential reading for all women (and compulsory for men, maybe then we would get somewhere with understanding ) the author , a victim of rape by a friend this is a look at what she went through, the affects, she even contacts and interviews her attacker and explores both their feelings, the events. It’s very hard reading, uncomfortable at times and I don’t think I could face what she did going back to discuss the event with her attacker, but I’ve nothing but admiration for the author and how she looks at what happened to her. I wouldn’t recommend reading in one go, it’s a book that needs to be read across time, self care is needed reading this, but it should be read.

Thanks to netgalley and the publisher for a free copy for an honest opinion

This is a deeply interesting concept bought to life through the lens of feminism, questioning how we expect women to act when they are assaulted. The author reaches out to the man who raped her, her once best friend, and asks him to participate in conversations that she can consider as part of a book. He agrees, and what follows are transcriptions of those conversations, melded together with the author's fears, regrets, self doubt and embarrassment at what she views to be her failings in communicating with him. This makes for hard, but very interesting reading, The author has gone where few have gone before. Her story, and her deep consideration of what it means for those who assault and those who are assaulted, are vital to our considerations of how the world of sexual assault operates.

I received an advanced reader’s copy in exchange for an honest review

YIKES this was hard to read. It takes you through every re-traumatizing internalization of rape culture thought process, which is actually even more painful than reading through details of the physical act of rape, and puts you right back in that head space of a scared girl who doesn’t know how she’s allowed to feel. Small doses required. And lots of self-care. And a cleansing hot bath.

I was lucky enough to get an advanced reading copy of Things We Didn’t Talk About When I was a Girl by Jeannie Vanasco. While this memoir is a little different from the others I’ve been reading, it truly is fantastic. In it, Vanasco recounts the sexual assaults she’s experienced while also analysing rape culture. It is a truly amazing book and I highly recommend that everyone reads it. Honestly, it is so important. (It releases October 1st, 2019.)

What has struck me in particular about Vanasco’s memoir is how personal and honest it is. When writing about another person, there's always the risk of repercussions. Vanasco gets around this beautifully in her memoir, writing it as she seeks permission from those she talks about, and gives us their exact words. She also tells readers how her memories may not be reliable — but that the memories of those she speaks to also will not be reliable. Her book feels entirely honest and brave for that reason.

The book itself alternates between Vanasco's narrative to us and a transcription of two different phone calls that she has with her rapist, many years after the rape occurred. It's written in 'real time' as Vanasco transcribes the phone calls, and so we see her pauses and breaks and what she thinks about, and who else she speaks to.

What makes this memoir different to others about sexual assault though is Vanasco's attitude toward her rapist and her ongoing struggle to feel the anger she expects she should feel. She and Mark were very good friends for years before the rape, and so she frames her memoir as an investigation of how a good person can do something bad.

This book doesn't only look at sexual assault and the power in that though. It looks at how power is inscribed in language too, and how different ideologies are constructed on the basis of power and exchanges. Vanasco delves deeply into these ideas as she talks with her friend who's a gender studies lecturer, and the conversations recounted are fascinating and enlightening.

This is a hugely important book--possibly the most important book I've ever read--and I highly suggest that everyone reads it.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for providing me with a review copy.

TW: discussions of rape and sexual assault throughout

Thanks to Netgalley for providing me with an eARC of this book. All opinions and comments made here are my own.

"Don't back down, she said. Don't let them twist what you know is true"

Oof let me start by saying that my review, is in no way going to do this book justice. I implore you to read this, incredibly thought-provoking memoir.

"I'll tell him: I still have nightmares about you"

I've never read a memoir before so really wasn't sure what to expect of the writing style going in but I absolutely loved it. It enabled us to follow Jeannie on her journey as she experienced it and it made it even more heartfelt that way in my view. Just reading the premise I knew this wasn't going to be an easy read. And boy was I right. This book really packed a punch on every page and every chapter. It's uncomfortable, but not necessarily in a bad way. I think the whole basis of the book is so interesting and it's something i've never really seen explored before. Your best friend sexually assaults you; your best friend who, up until that moment, seemed like a decent and good guy. How on earth do you reconcile the person you've spent years building a friendship with to the person who could take you apart in one night. This is a question that has haunted Jeannie since her friend "Mark" attacked her, and finally, she's decided to get answers by contacting Mark and asking him why.

"why do I need his permission, anyway? I never gave mine"

I know i've said this but i'm saying it again; the way in which Jeannie writes is incredible. I really felt like she took us on the journey with her. Jeannie decides to record her conversations with Mark so that she can have the opportunity to reflect on the conversations, and whilst doing so realises that she is offering him comfort and reassurance, and that his comments appear to be trying to equate their experiences. This brought such an interesting dynamic to the book; I loved the sections where she meets with her friends and reflects with them. Because whilst this book is undoubtedly about the assault, it is also about the power of friendship and the strength that you can find in others. I just found these sections so interesting because it was the other people who offered their opinions about his language and the way in which she was diminishing her feelings for him "we were only 19" etc. Women shouldn't be made to put their feelings aside for me. Especially rapists.

"If he says yes, I won't thank him. I won't tell him that everything is OK between us. I won't comfort him. I am assuming he'll need comforting. Politeness isn't needed. You ruined everything, I'll tell him. You realise that, right? I can say everything"

This was just such a unique and stunning memoir and perspective. Jeannie is clear throughout that she doesn't want to demonize Mark, and she doesn't. She recalls a large range of good memories that she shared with him, and in doing so, is trying to discover whether that one destroying night overpowers the rest of their friendship. Jeannie spends a large portion of the book trying to wrestle with whether she can call what happened to her 'rape' and again this is such an interesting perspective, and one you see over and over in articles and reports. I'm glad the law changed, it was about time.

"and then the way they talked about women: It could have been my daughter or my wife or my mother or my sister. It's like, you don't have to connect this to women in relation to you. A woman can be a woman"

Although this book mostly focuses on her experience with Mark she also explores the previous occasions where she has been sexually assaulted; as a child and as an adult, and explores her feelings in how she can class previous occasions as sexual assault, but struggles with the incident with Mark.

"Don't worry about protecting the guy who assaulted you. Don't worry about the feelings of the guy's family or friends. Your job is not to protect them. He screwed up. He messed up those relationships, not you. And yet, here I am, not talking to Mark's family. Part of that is fourteen years have passed. Part of that is it'd be so much work. It's so much work to come forward. And yet a lot of people blame the victims for not reporting sexual assault, as if it's entirely their responsibility to rid the world of rapists"

I highlighted so many sections of this book. It is such a powerful read overall and is really well-written by Jeannie. This is such a unique read and I would love to read her other book because I just became entranced by her writing style; there wasn't anything I didn't like about it. She takes you on the journey of her throughout processes throughout the book. I really really recommend this book, and I will be desperately seeking out a physical copy when it comes out.

It is unflinching, uncomfortable, honest, and powerful.

"I doubt I'm the only woman sexually assaulted by a friend and confused about her feelings."

Wow. This is one powerful read.

Heavy content warnings for rape and sexual assault.

15 years ago, Jeannie Vanasco was raped by a close friend. In this memoir, she explores how that incident affected her then, affects her now, and - in a move that makes this book not only unique but a necessary read - talks to her rapist about his view on the assault.

Despite being written in a simple style that's easy to follow, it's taken a week for me to get through this because the heavy subject matter was mentally exhausting at times.

It reads like a stream of consciousness - at times it is messy but that only makes it feel more real. Throughout the writing, Vanasco is exploring her feelings and coming to new ones, and the fact that she is constantly battling between what she, as a Good Feminist, should be feeling versus what she is actually feeling makes it a very interesting and relatable read.

The fact that the book is written in a kind of "real time" - the author describes writing the memoir while doing so - makes it feel very much like reading a diary. It's a very intimate feeling to read this book, but never feels intrusive.

The prevalence of sexual assault is felt heavily throughout the book. This was not the author's only experience of this, and she talks candidly about other times she's been violated. She also talks about the depressing number of her students who have had similar experiences, as well as friends of hers.

Many books exist about rape and sexual assault, but the nuance that this one offers by bringing the assailant's voice is brought to the table makes it a standout in a world of #MeToo and other movements that have made the topic an important talking point.

While this, as Vanasco herself acknowledges several times throughout the book, may be a red flag for many women, I'd encourage people to go in with an open mind. The perpetrator doesn't get an easy ride in this, and there's never a point where he's portrayed as either a someone without blame.

It's interesting to see both Jeannie and Mark (not his real name) process their feelings about that one night, 15 years later.

"This story isn't original, and that's the story. Sexual assault happens all the time. What makes this story sort of unusual is we're having the conversation. I don't think that happens very often."

4.5 stars.

An incredible read the author a victim of rape by a close childhood friend ,a friend she trusted both of them teens.Now adults she decides to contact him to discuss what he did to her this horrible act.A brave act a powerful raw important book,#netgalley#preludebooks.

This is a memoir about a sexual assault but it's different than other books I've read on the topics. Jeanie was raped by a close friend of hers in high school and is trying to work through it still 14 years later. In preparation for writing the book she talks to her boyfriend and friends about the topic and determines she is going to contact Mark, the "friend" who raped her. She starts off with email, move to phone conversations and eventually she meets him in person. Large portions of the book include the discussions between the two as Jeanie asked him questions about that night and what he remembers, how he felt then and how he feels know. She records the conversations and leans on her friends for support. She realizes her feelings are complicated and she gets upset with herself at times when she thanks Mark for some of the things he says, she tries to make sure he is OK and she isn't always feeling angry. She struggles to use the word rape. A must read for anyone trying to understand the effects of sexual assault on the survivor and the perpetrator. Thank you to Netgalley and Prelude Books for an ARC copy in exchange for an honest review.

I was intrigued to read this book as i am interested in feminism and gender politics and have loved recent works by authors like Lisa Taddeo and Rebecca Solnit. In this memoir the author Jeannie Vanasco explores her memories of a sexual assault that happened to her several years previously. She explores her own feelings about the assault and contacts the perpetrator to find out how he feels and how he justifies his own actions after the passing of time. The author has some interesting things to say about the intersection of fiction and memoir, reliability and ownership of memory etc.. But for all that, unfortunately, for me the book is just....quite boring. I don't believe there is enough material here to justify a full memoir. The author's own voice, her recollections, her conversations with family and friends are not particularly engaging. Of course the subject matter is important and we should encourage victims of sexual assault to share their stories. But as a full-length memoir this one just doesn't make the grade.

Thanks Netgalley and the Publisher. Was not sure I would like this book but I was certainly proved wrong. I loved the style of writing and the emotion in the book. Worthy 5 stars

Actually glad to have finished book, very well written but quite depressing. I did not realise the high incidence of rape and sexual assault for young American women. Book is about lasting effect of rape and woman looking for closure after 14 years. She was raped by a close friend and finds the betrayal of trust as shocking as the rape itself.
The perpetrator Mark can not explain his actions and looks for reasons behind the act. Jeannie constantly goes over the same ground with friends and Mark never finding a satisfactory explanation. Lots of side lines about loss, feminism, politics and survival.