Being child-free by choice is not very common in the conservative Midwest where I live. Saying "I don't want kids" is almost akin to saying "I hate them, I hate them all." But that doesn't have to be true. I'm a member of several Facebook groups and have read several books about women who actually really like kids but don't want their own for one reason or another. I wish there wasn't such a stigma surrounding not having kids.

This book covers many topics - from being a "stepgrandmother" to aging and finding care for yourself late in life. It's an interesting read, and I'm glad books like this are out there. Thank you, Netgalley, for this arc.

I saw the title and read the blurb for the book and thought this could be an interesting next read. It was definitely an interesting read.

This is a wide-ranging exploration of what it means to be a woman without children in the world.

I read is as quite American-focused but it still resonated with a person who lilves on the other side of the world.

Quite enjoyed the way advice and anecdotes were woven in.

I also have a thread on Twitter about it: https://twitter.com/100onBooks/status/1417712250769530883?s=20

An interesting read that I'm glad to have discovered. I'll definitely be seeking out more by this author.

This was an interesting book, but it was not really what I was expecting. And I felt a bit let down from it. On one hand, reading all the records of different women was interesting. And it was a really varied pool of experience. We get all the ages, the works, the education, the religion and so on, so on. So we can read from a very rich group of women. And that was the best part of the book.
But what I was expecting was something a bit more "useful" in some ways to women who don't have kids. We get to see all the different reasons for which women don't have children, and we get to see how some of them react to this fact (because for some can be a choice, but not for all), but being a woman without children bring a sort of stigma, for example, and when it is not so bad, it is something that set you apart from the majority. And I was hoping to read more about this part, but it is not there, if not in passing. And it was a tad disappointing, mainly because it seems more a book for people who have kids and know people who don't.

I've been trying to come up with a thorough review for this particular book for quite a while now... With as much effort and time that was invested in this book, that's the least it deserves.

I'm a non-mom. A dog mom, but a non-mom. And the reasons are medical and the resulting mental state is depressing, and so when I saw the title of this book, I snatched it right up. The stigma talked about in this book is real. The prejudice is real. I wish more people would read this so that they can look at childlessness, whether by choice or by force, with newly clear eyes. Its so educational, yet in such a compassionate way, you almost don't realize you're sitting there getting schooled. I walked away from Do You Have Kids feeling like I just talked with a girlfriend... Its a really special book.

Thanks Netgalley for giving me the PDF so that I can share my thoughts and opinions with y'all 💛

I am a child-free lesbian in a wonderful marriage and would give my right arm to read a book that began 'Right, you're not having kids, here's what else you can do - have you thought about writing a novel or going on holiday to Mexico?....' This is not that book. I enjoyed the tips on having children in your life in other ways - my godchildren are very important to me - but there was not enough about how to live a rich and meaningful life without children, or how to make friends when many of your old mates are knee-deep in Peppa Pig (I've made friends with a lot of rich middle-aged gay men, and women my age or slightly older with preteen kids, who are far more interesting if less adorable than the ones that are still breastfeeding). The options open to non-heterosexual women are difficult - why does nobody write about that? Once again this is a book about childlessness or child-free-ness where I can see some of my friends, but not myself. It's a step in the right direction, but it doesn't speak to me any more than, say, a piece of writing by or about a straight woman who wanted children but was unable to have them for medical reasons. I have read many beautiful pieces of writing about this situation, but wanted this to be different and acknowledge that there are more doors to childlessness than 'didn't want' or 'couldn't have.'

I am a parent for me this was an eye opening book a look at the emotional temperature of those who don’t.That very personal question can cut to the heart of someone who has no children whether from choice or medical issues.Full of anecdotes statistics an excellent bread.#netgalley #lumboojs.

A balanced and insightful look at an emotive topic.

Thank you to NetGalley and to the publisher for allowing me to read this in exchange for an honest review.

An important and insightful read. I think this a book that every woman whether they have kids or not should read.

Thanks to #netgalley for the ARC in exchange for a fair and honest review. As a childfree by choice person myself, I was excited to receive a copy of this ebook to read and review. It was a great read delving into people's reasons for not having children and how others with children can sometimes be quite judgmental, dismissive or even downright rude towards people who don't. I enjoyed hearing the experiences of other like minded women such as myself, it was a very relatable read for me. I also found the book to have some very helpful suggestions as to how childfree people can respond to others when they feel that they are being judged or condescended to. A great read for Childfree people and people with children to help them gain a better understanding of what to say and not to say to people who are childfree for whatever reasons they have. #doyouhavekidslifewhentheanswerisno #katekaufmann #tea_sipping_bookworm #litsy #goodreads #amazon#kindle #bookqueen #greatreads #amazon#kindle #netgalley

As a person who has had several miscarriages and still no children, I am constantly keeping my eye open for books that deal with this topic. Do You have Kids had a very unique take on this area. The book shares many stories of women in a plethora of situations that have caused them for one reason or another to be childless. Through their stories you get a sense of what a family is and many of the struggles that come with not being a part of a community that is so socially normal and expected. It was refreshing to me to hear of women who just never wanted to have children and how they found fulfillment in other ways. The author also shared some statics here and there that I found very interesting. I did find it hard to tell whether the author was talking or whether the people she was interviewing were talking at times. Overall, I enjoyed the experience and found it very enlightening.

Thank you for the opportunity to review this title. Unfortunately I due to technical difficulties I was unable to download the book so cannot post a review, which is a shame as it sounded very interesting :)

For a book about not having kids, this one sure did focus an awful lot on how to have kids in your life (apparently by weaseling your way into the lives of the children of your family and friends and trying to become their surrogate parents). There was a lot of information here on how "sad" our lives will be since we will have nobody to take care of us if we get sick or old (newsflash: having a child doesn't guarantee they will take care of you either), as well as how we are all going to get cancer and die because we didn't use our reproductive organs (EYEROLL).

I expected more. WAY more, and WAY better. How about focusing a bit more on the actual joy and fulfillment that childfree people can and do find in their lives? How about going more in-depth on why people are choosing not to have children? Maybe more discussion about how to normalize this choice? This seemed to be written as either an attempt to convince people to just have kids already, or a personal lament at not having children. Who is really the audience for this?

Finally, the incessant use of the word "mum" instead of "mom" (as we say here in the US, which is where the author apparently lives and where all of her interview subjects live) was incredibly distracting.

TL;DR: Not for me, nor probably anyone who gladly opted out of parenthood.

Finally! A book for the non moms!

It is interesting how the author opened up different views and assumptions on why some women don't have children - either by choice or cos of nature.

I enjoyed the tips and different perspective on how one can approach a non mom. This is a book moms should read. Non moms should not be made guilty for not having children.

When first becoming acquainted with this book, I was a little worried. As I electronically turned the pages on my NetGalley ARC, it seemed like the narrative was full of potential, with the progress impeded by old values. What I mean by this is that though Kaufmann was strong in her desire to start a conversation about childlessness, it seemed difficult for her to have this conversation while simultaneously breaking old patterns of talking about it that have been socially ingrained in to her opinions. An example of this is the way that the author seems to consistently balance the lack of desire to have a child with a close bond of some other kind – possibly to insist that said non-mum in question is in fact nurturing and capable of deep bond. Doesn’t this further perpetuate the nurturance myth and state that even when we do not choose to have children we can not help but be warm and nurturing? I am wondering if the perpetuated myth is not that we should borne children, but that we should be inherently nurturing. Another example of this is the general leaning toward the idea that we non-mums for the most part do not actively choose to be childless and that we don’t make the decision until biology makes it for us. I would argue that actively not making a decision is more similar to making one than people would assume. It doesn’t seem natural to declare publicly on your 28th birthday that you have no desire and will never have a desire to reproduce. That’s just not going to happen – but it does not mean that we have not decided for ourselves in a less concrete way. These examples, as well as some other small ones, initially gave me the general vibe that this book was full of progressive ideas steeped in old values. I do say all of this in past tense because as reading time passed, I became less rigid in my perception and more comfortable with the writing style. Some of my presumptions began to dissolve.

The language in the book played a role in winning me over. Kaufmann speaks her words with such grace, such peace, that I often put the book down feeling like I had just had a deep discussion with one of my girlfriends. As our lives continue to grow and differ, I haven’t been able to talk to my friends on the same level as maybe I was able to in our teen years and early adulthood. Being reminded of this deep feeling of peace and connection reminds me that I need to continue strengthening connections with those around me. Kaufman is so delicate in her choice of words, you can tell she puts active thought into how to not hurt others. The first notable example of this that I wrote down is from page 12, “First, a word or two about words. The words we use when referring to each other matter. So it grieves me to say there’s no good word in the English language for a women who hasn’t had children.” This sets the trajectory of not-being-sure-but-trying-to-be-correct language debacle that most compassionate individuals encounter when addressing a human who lives much differently than they do. I appreciate Kaufmann’s relentless pursuit to sift through this language to find phrases and ways of relating that are humanizing and express the desire to understand. Near the end of the book, we are introduced to the common adjectives that are used to describe intentionally childless women, and these include: “materialistic, immature, emotionally unstable, selfish, less likely to be happy and satisfied.” By the time we reach this part of the book, however, we are armed with how to combat these automatic assumptions, and we non-mums already feel less offended and more willing to work through these perceptions. On the topic of language, perception and discussion, I will conclude by stating that Kauffman also includes an afterword with step-by-step tips about how to interact with others when discussing childlessness, and has unique subsections for different types of interactions and settings. It’s a very hands on way to change the way that we talk about childlessness and I think even just that part is worth the read for anyone seeking advice or clarity on how to navigate such discussions.

The general writing pattern of the book is anecdotal stories and discussions with childless (by nature or by choice) women interspersed with general facts about not being a mother. The testimonials are short and this has both advantages and disadvantages. By being brief, there is less room for boredom, but there is also less room for a sense of connection, and connection is what I want when I am talking to other women about this subject. I realize that this thought is in direct opposition to my earlier statement of feeling like I just spoke with my girlfriends, but I wanted this feeling more thoroughly when reading if that makes sense. The facts in the book, on the flipside, aren’t overly revelatory or hard to find on Google. I think the way that these were inserted pulled me out of the lives of these women a little. While the writing style is this dichotomy, each chapter is discussing a separate sub-issue of childlessness. Examples of these sub-topics include how childlessness affects your career, where you choose to live, your relationships with your friends, etc. Each of these chapters was unique from the others and well laid out so that you knew specifically what sub-topic we were entrenched in.

One that stood out to me was the discussion of academic and passionate pursuits delaying breeding, P.23 “I am a mother. I’m a mother to my work. I give life to my work and to my relationships”, P. 35 “ I do have some sadness about not having children, but I don’t feel regret. Maybe that will come later on. But if I never wrote a book, now that would be really bad.” I am still pondering whether the author is implying that we mostly need to replace our nurturing with other pursuits. She does place an emphasis on careers, independence and friendships as filler for not having a child and this leaves me to wonder what things are supposed to look like for someone who does not have those things either – are they still allowed to be happy Singletons? Or is that right only dubbed to those who have effectively replaced nurturance with something equally as fruitful?

A subtopic that pulled directly on my heartstrings was the general discussion of the way that this affects our partners and the way that our intimate relationship is. The only times that I had truly pondered having children were times in which I felt so in love with a partner that I felt that it would be worth it to give that to them and sacrifice a life of joy to give one to them (stupid, yes, and I’m glad I didn’t have a baby with any of those guys, but still). Having children together is a way of furthering deep love and I do hope that my loves continue to have that depth even though we do not have children together. On page 36, we are directly connected with an individual after she lost her spouse. “The saddest thing was that there was nothing left of my love”. This statement was interesting and hard-hitting for me because the times that I have considered having a child were purely partner based. I have not yet fully pondered the fact that I am actively not deciding until that in itself becomes a decision. This idea gave me some power to confront some of my old ideas about what I want in my life. The discussion of partners also includes the story of a woman who is casually dating her husband of many years and is very happy with this arrangement. This made me ponder that there are many different types of love and being together and that not following the formula doesn’t mean you won’t get the right answer for you. I see a casual relationship with a lot of love as more fitting into my life than a 24/7 partnership and now I am aware and find comfort in the fact that there are other women who feel this way, too.


I can’t mention my favourite chapters without touching on one that was unexpected and shocking. There is a subsection in the very middle of the book specifically dedicated to educating readers on the statistically higher chance of being diagnosed with cancer in a life with no children. This strange little chapter of pure fear is centered directly in the middle of all the other chapters and touches very clinically on this ‘cruel irony.’ It’s unsettling that a disproportionate amount of childless women have ovarian and breast cancer and that there is very little research into why this occurs. Kaufmann states, if somewhat dramatically, .P. 151 ”I’m haunted by the fact that those of us who haven’t borne children get proportionately more breast, ovarian, and uterine cancer than mums do. “I can’t shake a disturbing image of a panel of judges, each rendering his verdict that we non-mums are guilty of some crime we never committed, and cancer is a fitting consequence for failing to reproduce ourselves.” I’m not sure what else to say about that one, besides ‘Jesus Christ’.

There are some hard hitting statistics in here, and even though the author does sometimes repeat statistics, it doesn’t lessen their impact for me. I learned that a third of the women interviewed had witnessed the birth of a child, and that a significant number of new Moms experience a 1.4 unit drop on a happiness scale in the two years after having a child – this happiness drop is higher than those attributed to divorce and the death of a partner. This significant loss of well – being in the first two years makes me think ‘yep, this is the right decision for me. I would be that person who is miserable for the first two years and then depressed for the next five over missing the first two. Can’t do.’. As the language, the structure, and the general reading experience of this book for me fades, I know that these statistics, these lessens, and these ways that I have further understood myself and the women around me are impossible to forget.
Check it out if you wanna, or don’t! This book was published on April, 2, 2019, and I read it on NetGalley

An insightful read. I am one of the childfree women out in the world, but I've "mothered" my middle school students every year for the past 14 years. It was interesting to read about things I've been wondering- where to will money to in the future, what resources are available to help seniors without children figure out the last years of their lives, etc. A good read!

What drew me to the book was the title - what life is like when you don't have children is not something that is widely talked about and as a young woman, I was curious to find more information on that matter.
The book started off well with an introduction of the author, who herself is childless and where and how she got the stories of other childless women for the book. However, after the introduction I found myself very confused by the structure of the book. While there are a few thematic chapters, they don't really flow well from one to the other. Also the way the stories are told can be quite confusing at times - there were paragraphs I had no idea who they were about, even after going back and checking if I may have just missed something. There were times when stories sounded as if you've joined a conversation in the middle and are unsure who the people are and what they are talking about. The author's own experience is mixed in with the stories of others and I wasn't always able to tell at first we've moved back to her. Some of the stories were quite interesting, especially about women who chose no to have children in the past, when it wasn't as accepted of a choice.
Another thing that sadly bothered me that while the book is about fighting the stigma of being childfree, whether by choice or by chance, at times it felt as if people with children are bad people for some reason.
While nearing the end of the book, I though, "okay the book wasn't structured the way I expected it to be, and I find it didn't answer some of the questions about the topic noted in the book itself to my satisfaction". However, I still felt that it can be informative and curious, especially for people that don't know much about childless life (which, surprise, surprise, can be as diverse as life with children can be). I would have given a rating of 3, maybe 3.5 stars.
The book also felt really dense and hard to get through, mainly because, again, the structure didn't fit well with me.
What really ruined "Do You Have Kids?" for me was the last chapter/afterword, where the author explores the conversation around the "do you have kids?" question. I really didn't like this part. There were a lot of suggestions that were plain mean ways to tell someone that no, you don't have kids. And the assumption that almost all people will be *shocked* if you say just a "no", doesn't sit well with me. It might have something to do with different cultures. After all, the author is from the US (from what I gather), while I've lived in a mixed Slavic culture my whole life and that won't be the first time I find how different our cultures can be at times.
All in all, the book was fine and informative, although , in my view, not well enough structured. Ignoring the last chapter, I would say it can be a good source of information for anyone that's curious about what not having children can be like.

*Thanks to NetGalley and Lume Books for providing me with a free digital copy of this title in exchange for an honest review.*

No woman that has children by choice or not, should not be subjected to some of the things in this book. A good read to maybe look at things they may say differently. Eye opening. Thanks to Netgalley, the author and the publisher for the arc of this book. Receiving the book in this manner had no bearing on my review.

This book, it spoke to me, it shared my pain, it knew how I felt. I have waited so long to read this and feel validated as a woman who has chosen not to have children. I will be recommending this to all my childless friends, this really isn’t discussed enough , how we feel, how we are treated by friends and society. It’s an interesting, insightful and extremely helpful book.

Thanks to netgalley and the publisher for a free copy for an honest opinion