It’s not really a newsflash: our atomized society has led to significant increases in loneliness.

In The Loneliness Epidemic: Why So Many of Us Feel Alone and How Leaders Can Respond, Susan Mettes explores research from Barna about various groups and loneliness, explains the results, and considers what might be able to be done about it.

The author began with loneliness in America and defining loneliness, reminding everyone some solitude is good and healthy, but in our society a good number of people feel very much isolated and alone. She compares and contrasts the stereotypes about loneliness with what survey results show in terms of age, romance, insecurity, social media, faith, and privacy: the oldest prove more lonely than might have been imagined, as well as many within romantic relationships and even those who go to church, although churchgoing in general was associated with lower levels of loneliness.

She then considers what people can do in order to avoid or mitigate loneliness, and it involves finding one’s community into which one belongs, being close to a few but not necessarily many people, establishing healthy and appropriate expectations with oneself and one’s relationships, and encourages people in breaking out of a loneliness cycle.

The author also well noted how loneliness is not inherently a problem to solve; as Jesus left the crowds at times to go and pray to His Father alone, so we all could use a little time to ourselves. Yet, as with all things, a bit too much alone time, and social isolation, can prove extremely challenging and difficult for people to navigate, and the evidence for this is all around us.

Man was not made to be alone; our emphasis on (philosophical) liberalism and the elevation and exaltation of the individual inherent therein has, by necessity, loosened and frayed communal bonds, and we are being powerfully reminded how humans are indeed social creatures. Hopefully, at some point, our society in general will turn back toward community; until then, as Christians we do well to foster community among the people of God and make good on our professed association as brothers and sisters in Christ.

I opened NetGalley for the first time in a long time and stumbled across this book. Perhaps it’s because I moved to a new country alone this year, but something about the book caught my eye and compelled me to read it.

In The Loneliness Epidemic, Susan Mettes uses data from the Barna Group to explore the topic of loneliness in America and what Christians and the Church can do about it. The book is broken into three parts:

What loneliness is
Myths and Truths about loneliness
The three pillars to protect against loneliness – Belonging, Closeness, and Expectations
Apart from these three main sections, there are also two appendixes: (A) what the Bible says abut loneliness, and (B) Should we look for a “cure” for loneliness?

In the introduction, Mettes is clear that loneliness is not necessarily bad. She draws a line between occasional loneliness and chronic loneliness, writing that:

“Occasional loneliness is a foil to satisfying relationships. Thirsting for them every now and then might make us better at investing in intimacy.

“However, chronic loneliness is defined by deficiency and distress, and it has destructive effects on human life and creativity. Chronic loneliness is rooted in unquenchable insecurity.”

It’s this second, chronic loneliness, that Mettes tries to address. Although the book is America-centric, I still found the second part on the myths of loneliness to be eye-opening. While I don’t think you can copy of trends in America to Singapore wholesale, I think it’s possible to use the conclusions Mettes has drawn as a starting point to investigate the issue of loneliness in Singapore (or the country you’re in). Some points that I thought were interesting:

- The way to correct loneliness is by “investing more heavily in friendships than in family. That’s countercultural, but there’s good research behind it; researchers discovered that chosen rather than kin relationships tend to help us most with loneliness.”
- There is a study based on the Framingham Heart Study which looked at the spread of loneliness. If you’re interested in reading it, I’ve found the paper here.
- “Fighting loneliness means checking up on our intuitions about who is lonely” – rather than assume that certain groups are more at risk and others are fine, actually talk to and check on the people involved.
- With regards to singleness, Mettes says that “the church has only intermittently honoured and supported singleness, although it should have always taken its goodness seriously” and this is a something that I agree with.
- Social undermining, social injustice, and rejected are also related to loneliness, which means that when we are addressing loneliness, we should also be looking at the causes of marginalisaton as well.
“As Van Opstal says, “Biblical justice is lived out in the life of a Christian who’s asking the questions, ‘How do I bring restoration?’ ‘How do I bring flourishing?'” That effort brings a Christian deeper into a purposeful pursuit of a less lonely society.”
- Social media, when used correctly, does not lead to loneliness and can be used to supplement relationships. But it can be a contributor to the problem if you do not have strong real-life relationships.

The last section of the book is targeted towards Church leaders, on what they can do to combat the problem of chronic loneliness. For the rest of the Church, one practical step all of us can take would be to practice hospitality – opening our homes to others. It’s something that we are called to do, but the traditional forms of hospitality have been paused due to COVID-19. In that case, have we found ways new ways of showing hospitality?

Overall, I found The Loneliness Epidemic to be a thoughtful and timely book. While the book is centred on America, I think the suggestions on how we can check up on others and include those in our community can be easily tweaked to fit the cultural norms in other countries (like Singapore). Since COVID-19 is supposed to be endemic, I think this book would be a valuable resource in helping Church leaders continue to ensure that we remain an inclusive and welcoming community.

Disclaimer: I received a free copy of this book from NetGalley. All opinions are my own.

Author Susan Mettes approaches the topic of loneliness as the superb researcher and behavioral scientist she is. Which means that she's filled the pages with truckloads of data and summary analyses about loneliness.

After all that info percolated in me for a couple of weeks, I realized that Mettes's research had worked its magic. I found myself returning to her surprising information about loneliness, and it built curiosity in me, evoked empathy in me for the lonely everywhere among us. It showed me new places to find lonely people, and caused me to question blanket assumptions about who is lonely and who isn't.

Mettes carried me into the world of the lonely, a world which I sometimes inhabit, and gave me sharpened eyesight and a determination to pay attention, to love more deeply and meaningfully. She lit a fire of urgency in me—compelling me to reach out to the lonely in ways that will make a difference, not just to follow long-practiced protocols that don't actually reduce loneliness.

I do wish the advice offered to leaders in the last section of the book were as well fleshed out as her research. I found that section too slim.

Nonetheless, I trust that readers will find this book meaningful and worthwhile, as did I.

Is loneliness a problem? Consider the research data. A third of American adults admit they are frequently lonely. Within the past two decades, feelings of loneliness have more than doubled. Nearly half of all practicing Christian Millennials have experienced it too. Moreover, the problem is growing, not just in North America but globally. Come Winter, the problem deepens. Rates of depression and suicide continue to rise. Why is this happening? In short, it is due to a lack of meaningful relationships. In pre-pandemic days, loneliness has been a rising concern. In 2020 when the world goes into lockdown, everyone starts to talk about the challenges of loneliness and mental health. Research from the Barna group offers compelling evidence on the extent of the problem. This leads to several other problems such as the lack of intimacy, fewer trust relationships, isolated lives, and other crises pertaining to human relationships. So widespread is the problem that even churches are full of lonely people. So why are people lonely? How is it that even people of faith who go to Church can be lonely? What can we learn from the statistics gathered? How can we address this problem? Is loneliness a Western phenomenon or is it more global? In Part One, Author and Professor Susan Mettes defines loneliness as "the distress someone feels when their social connections don’t meet their need for emotional intimacy." She distinguishes this from "social isolation" and "solitude." The former is about circumstances often unforeseen. The latter is about being alone. In Part Two, Mettes goes into greater detail about factors influencing loneliness such as:

- AGE: It's a myth that older people are lonelier. Younger people are most lonely
- ROMANCE: It's a myth that those who found "true love" are not lonely. Poor quality relationships can lead to deeper levels of loneliness.
- INSECURITY: It's a myth that loneliness is due to poor social skills. In fact, feelings of insecurity are among the major reasons why people are afraid to connect or to open up.
- SOCIAL MEDIA: It's a myth that too much time online on social media makes one lonely. Truth is most people on social media are already lonely in the first place. Social media only accelerated that.
- FAITH AND CHURCH-GOING PEOPLE: It's a myth that Churchgoers are not lonely. Truth is, everyone regardless of faith is experiencing greater loneliness.
- PRIVACY: It's a myth to think that just because people are paying attention, we won't feel lonely. Sadly, our inability to differentiate attention from our intimacy creates uncertainty in our relationships.

In Part Three, Mettes suggests four ways to deal with this "loneliness epidemic."

1) Establish a sense of BELONGING
2) Cultivate CLOSENESS in relationships
3) Manage EXPECTATIONS of others and self
4) BREAK THE CYCLE of unhealthy stereotyping of what loneliness is, and what leaders could do.

My Thoughts
==============
Loneliness is a problem often swept under the carpet conveniently and frequently. Like an ostrich that buries its head upon seeing a dangerous predator, it is only a matter of time before the loneliness animal devours our self-esteem. That is why books like this are crucial wake-up calls to all. Supported by empirical data, coupled with decades of research, author Susan Mettes gives us a helpful understanding of the problem of loneliness, the pervasiveness of myths surrounding loneliness, and the need to do something about it. Let me address three groups of people facing loneliness and how this book can help them.

Firstly, for the general public, notice how the findings in the book transcend religion and generations. Just like how the coronavirus turned into a pandemic, it is hoped that the problem of loneliness will NOT mirror that. Otherwise, it is highly probable that if left unaddressed, such loneliness "epidemic" would accelerate toward a pandemic level. Mettes shows us how loneliness cuts across all age groups and religious affiliations. That brings us back to the problem of original sin, which essentially cuts off our relationship with God. Even Christians are still suffering from this state of brokenness.

Secondly, with the statistics clearly showing that younger people nowadays are much lonelier than others, the age-based data is a snapshot of the past few decades. This means that the curve would shift as the group ages. Thus, to say that young people now are loneliest does not necessarily mean the next generation's set of young people will be equally lonely. We still do not know how things will turn out. However, we can use this as a teaching tool to guide our education. How can we nurture those who are under 10? Can we learn the lessons today in order to help them cultivate healthy relationships? Churches should wake up and embrace this challenge. Young people ministry is never more urgent!

Finally, to leaders. It is well-known that those holding leadership positions tend to be lonely. It comes with the job. Thankfully, Mettes have some guidance for this group. Learn from Jesus, how he develops multiple friendships in spite of him being a sought-after Rabbi, Teacher, Master, and Leader. Adopt strict discipline in our use of technology. Fight against loneliness by participating in justice matters on behalf of communities. These and many more should make this book a powerful read and necessary resource to battle one of the biggest challenges of our generation, and generations to come.

Still, one of the best reminders that the author gives us is that we ought not see loneliness as altogether a bad thing. Out of such a state, we have seen tremendous creativity and honest reflections. The problem in our world is that the state of loneliness has tilted toward an unhealthy level. Our goal is not eradication nor balance. Our goal is the restoration of healthy relationships that recognize the need to push forward to meet or to pull back to rest.

Susan Mettes (MA, Duke University) is a behavioral scientist with extensive prior experience conducting research for faith-based organizations, including Barna Group, Thrivent Financial, and World Vision. She is an associate editor for Christianity Today magazine and has written dozens of articles for Christianity Today and other publications.

Rating: 4.75 stars of 5.

conrade
This book has been provided courtesy of Brazos Press and NetGalley without requiring a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.

"The Loneliness Epidemic", by Susan Mettes, covers a very timely topic. Now more than ever, people are feeling lonely and separated from others. Mettes does a good job of explaining why people are lonely and what can be done about it. She begins by disputing some popular myths about loneliness, such as that older people are the loneliest (not true!) and that social media makes loneliness worse (it actually helps!). Overall, I thought this was a helpful book, but the section in which Mettes explains how church leaders can help with this issue was too short and not as exhaustive as I would have hoped.

Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC. All opinions are my own.