I wanted to read this book as i am interested in polyam (and anxious about it). As much as it was a good read, it also wasn't. Someone else mentioned the child comment and that really got to me as well as I am someone who doesn't want to have kids. :/

Rounding up to four stars. This was an interesting read that I think you could get value from whether you are interested in non-monogamy or not. A lot of what the author covers is about self actualization and healthy relationships in general. What I took away from this book overall were three big themes. 1. That in any relationship (including non-romantic), being thoughtful and mindful about how you spend and share your time is very important. 2. That feelings are going to feel and you can't just self-talk yourself out of them. 3. Again, in any relationship, understanding your needs and learning how and when to ask for them is very important. There are some very practical sections and worksheets in the book - again, helpful for many different types of circumstances. There were some parts that didn't work for me: while I really appreciated the personal examples the author provided, I often found they did not resonate with me. Also the book felt quite repetitive at times. I appreciate the author's consistency with those key principles but I did find myself skimming those times when it felt repetitive to me.

Overall I would say this book is worth reading for a different insight into relationships in general and if you want to learn more about non-monogamy.

I really enjoyed the beginning of this book. I felt like Lola brought up a lot of interesting points and ideas that I have not seen reflected in other books, but are certainly relatable for myself and others I know. For me, things start to fall apart as the book progresses. It seems like a lot of time is spent on responding to toxic takes from the chronically online, and I wasn't really feeling the defensive tone the writing takes.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this book, thank you to NetGalley and Jessica Kingsley Publishers for the eARC. This has got to be the best nonfiction book I’ve read so far this year. This specific perspective on polyamory was incredibly useful and important to me as a lot of my identities intersect with the identities of the author.

The author is Acespec, autistic, bisexual, disabled and non-binary and because of the author having these identities, the book uses very inclusive language naturally and heavily emphasises intersectionality and diversity. I feel that often times, reading works by cisgendered straight people, the diversity and intersectionality discussed in their works (if at all) can unfortunately feel forced, however in this author’s work it feels so natural and automatic.

The book includes a lot of general information about polyamory but specifically focuses on the perspective of a person with anxiety. As a person with anxiety, I felt that the discussion topics were structured in a way that I could fully understand and I wasn’t left with any huge unanswered questions and didn’t feel myself going into a spiral of overthinking the possibilities of different situations.

This workbook covers a lot of different discussion topics regarding polyamory and at the end of each chapter, there is a section of questions to help you test your comfortability levels and your boundaries regarding the discussion topic.

Throughout the workbook, the author takes special consideration and affirms the reader that changing their mind on their boundaries, comfortability levels, relationship dynamic is perfectly okay and encourages the reader to have frequent discussion about this with their partners.

In the discussion of sexual health, I liked that the author discussed the different levels of safer sex and emphasised that people have different opinions on sexual safety and not to judge that. The author also discusses possible rules for when one partner has a compromised immune system which I appreciated as this is not something many people would be mindful of.

When discussing the “wrong ways” of polyamory, the author mentions the OPP (One Penis Policy) and points out how this is transphobic. I greatly appreciated this as a trans person.

The author discusses intersectionality a lot throughout the book and emphasises that within polyamorous communities, societal standards are often still applied such as wealthy white women being able to devote more free time to the community and therefore being placed in more important positions and how this effects decision making and diversity. The author also mentions that women of colour are often expected to perform extra emotional and mental labour by being asked to carry out anti-racist teachings.

Towards the end of the book, the author includes an “Anxiety Toolbox” section that aims to help find the root of your anxiety and help you work through it. I greatly appreciate this because, as the author often mentions, accessibility is different for everyone and many people that suffer anxiety unfortunately don’t have the resources or education to healthily deal with it. So having this to look back on and use in the future will be incredible important to many people that otherwise wouldn’t have been able to access a helpful resource such as this.

In the closing statement of the book, the author encourages the reader to seek out different perspectives by authors with other identities than their own and emphasises that their writing isn’t universal but just one person’s perspective. I appreciate this being said because I believe that intersectionality is incredibly important, especially when reading nonfiction books and I love that the author frequently encourages the reader to seek out writings by BIPOC authors so they can get a more rounded view.

I will be purchasing a physical copy of this book and I look forward to rereading it and annotating it and fully working through all of the questions. I think this book will be a brilliant tool for many people to go back to again and again. I highly recommend this if you are a person within the polyamorous community, interested in trying polyamory or even if you just want to become educated on polyamory and have no interest partaking in it.

TWs/CWs - Acephobia; Bullying (past, mentioned); Child Sexual Abuse (past, mentioned); COVID-19 Pandemic (mentioned); Gun Violence; Medication; Neglect (past, mentioned); Sexual Assault (mentioned)

"The Anxious Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy" was a quick read, and a very refreshing one. Living with anxiety is an interesting context for talking about polyamory, because - as Lola Phoenix writes - it may require different framework than the mainstream discourse around ENM, especially in the area of emotional literacy.

I saw many of my client's experiences in Phoenix's writing re: local polyam communities, their lack of diversity, the internalisation of toxic attitudes. I think the author's approach is very empathic as they promotes looking inwards, challenging the moments of self-gaslighting and encourages the readers to explore their individual needs within polyamory. They're also not afraid to admit to have changed their mind about certain aspects of ENM, which I found remarkable. I also appreciated crediting the sources Phoenix used to write this book, as well as recommended reading.

What I found a bit challenging, were the repetitive mentions of author's health struggles. Lola Phoenix indicates their experiences here and there, mentioning that their health may be impacting their behaviour and judgement. Of course, they don't owe anybody a disclosure of their medical history, however if the subject of disability and / or other health struggles come to play, I think it would be fair to dedicate a bit more time to explain the impact that certain conditions may have on person's relationships.

Little exercises throughout the book were interesting and useful, too.

This is going to be such a good addition to the polyamorous canon! I am so excited by this book.

What I appreciated about this book compared to other polyamorous guides is that it was SUPER affirming. I loved hearing about the authors own journey and struggles in polyamory and I loved the responses they made to the more harmful common advice that runs in polyamorous circles.

I also appreciated the authors unapologetic storytelling and sharing about their own identities and story. I really resonated with the way they validated asexual people and people with disabilities especially.

This book was written in such an accessible way! It felt like getting advice from a friend.

The only thing is I would have liked to hear some stories from others! This book only has the pov of the author and it’s a good one but there are so many more perspectives I would have loved to hear. Maybe in a future edition!

as someone that suffers from anxiety and isn’t completely aware of how relationships work for them. i found this a pretty interesting read.

while it’s not something i would’ve typically read it was definitely eye opening and gives a very real insight to what non-monogamy is and how it can work for you. i like that the author doesn’t say that non-monogamy is the way to go, rather more “if you feel like it’s something you want to try, do it but it’s up to you and no one else”

the book is full of information which sometimes had my head swimming but i think it’s good to include as much as you can, it seems like this book is really beneficial for both people already in non monogamy as well as people just beginning or interested in it.

I wanted this book to be helpful. As an anxious person who is curious about polyamory, this had me written all over it.

I knew I wasn’t going to get much out of this book the minute the author said: “I viewed polyamory from the frame of child rearing! How amazing it would be to have a village” (…okay, I’m being pendantic).

I am vehemently childfree by choice. After that point it became very difficult to relate to the author and any of the suggestions, which…didn’t seem to have ANYTHING to do with anxiety other than the “oh, polyam is scary and new!” So…waste of time for me. I’m still anxious, and I guess I’ll navigate polyamory using other resources.

In this book, Lola Phoenix gives an introduction to non-monogamous relationships. She gives tips on how to start a polyamorous relationship, and how to check if it works for you. I really appreciated the questions that the readers have to answer to work through some issues that they might experience, both on their own and with their partners. It gave an insight about what goes on in a non-monogamous relationship and how to recognise what works for you and what doesn't. What I really liked though was the last chapter where Lola explained some of the assumptions that both monogamous and polyamorous communities might believe or give out to who is just entering the non-monogamous community. She breaks them down and explains why they are wrong and makes the readers really think on how to approach these assumptions and the issues that might arise from them.

I received an ARC through NetGalley, but I'm leaving a voluntary and honest review.

The Anxious Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy offers much needed insight into the practice of non-monogamous relationships through a variety of lenses that are not often considered in most books on the topic.

As a polyamorous person myself, I found this read to be very helpful for myself, and thought it was important that it took into consideration aspects of my identity that are often left out of discussions of polyamory. As the title suggests, one of the big themes that this book hits on is how mental health can impact the types of difficulties one might or might not face in their non-monogamous journey. On top of mental health, this book also brings up perspectives on race, disability, class, sexuality, and gender identity. It was refreshing to see a book about non-monogamy bring up the different ways identity can impact people's lives and the ways they move about relationships!

I specifically appreciated the fact that asexuality was brought up as often as it was, as most of the time, people on the asexual/aromantic spectrum are left out of discussions on non-monogamy (or if not let out, then generalized). This is probably the first book on non-monogamy that satisfied me in that aspect.

Apart from offering great insight, this book also does a good job of addressing non-monogamy vs monogamy in a way that is affirming no matter what relationship style the reader might practice. Many books on non-monogamy fall into the trap of claiming that anyone who chooses not to practice it is somehow failing because of it, but this one assures the reader that ultimately, the choice is up to them, and that they won't be wrong if they do choose to be monogamous.

This guide also contains multiple workbook sections that ask the reader to address different type of scenarios or struggles they might face, and I found the questions asked to be very helpful in unpacking why you might be feeling a certain way, or what you might plan to do in a specific situation.

Overall, this book was lovely in every sense and I'm glad that it's being put into the world! I would recommend it to anyone interested in exploring non-monogamy, but I think it would also be massively helpful to monogamous folks as well!

Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for an eARC of this title in exchange for an honest review!

At this point, there are a number of guides to non-monogamy out there, and there are three bad ones for every semi-worthwhile one. This, I believe, is one that is worth the read. The trend of tailoring discussions of non-monogamy to certain groups of people in the community (think: A Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory) can be a bit of a contentious choice, but for something like the theme of anxiety I think this tailoring is game-changing, not unlike what Jessica Fern's Polysecure has done for discussions of attachment styles and non-monogamous (and monogamous!) relationships.

This book focuses substantially on the practical; while many of these guides and hand-books have practical elements, questions for reflection etc., this heavily-practical guide I think took it beyond a beginner's read in the best way. It is still accessible to those beginning their journey through non-monogamy and considering how best to approach their own self-designed relationship structures, but it also offers a lot of space for those who are more accustomed to the community to reconsider the relationships and structures that they are already in, look at what created those structures, and decide more genuinely if their relationships reflect the type(s) of love they want in their lives, or if these are structures built for and around anxieties.

A friend recently got out of an unhappy marriage and wasn’t ready or willing to settle into another monogamous relationship. She surprised herself enjoying a relationship with a man in an open marriage. My personal experience with non-monogamy and polyamory is pretty modest, but I’m curious. Can it be practised without anxiety and angst? Lola Phoenix’s The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy talks about exactly that challenge.
I enjoyed the glossary, and really appreciated that it’s front and centre. New acronyms and words come along so quickly. I’m clear on ‘DADT’ (Don’t ask; don’t tell) but vague on ‘ace’ and ‘vee,’ and totally new to ‘polycule’ and ‘relationship anarchy.’
Many years ago, we were friends with a couple of young friends who wanted to explore non-traditional gender roles and relationships, despite or maybe because of their mostly happy, white, middle-class upbringings. They sought out a queer poly group and we met some of them. It was confusing to watch. No one seemed happy, everyone struggled with jealousy and unmet needs and desires, but everyone was convinced that polyamory was a good thing. These memories are the root of my prejudices about polyamory.
My own monogamish (mostly monogamous but not quite) relationship has always had a sort of DADT clause. I say sort of because it’s more like DAMT: don’t ask, maybe tell. It’s worked for us. It provided me with the opportunity to explore and let off a little steam the odd time. I don’t know for sure if my partner’s ever availed himself of the clause. I don’t think so, but I won’t ask.
I know there’s an assumption or expectation that as a gay man I’ll hookup. My gay doctor always asks explicitly, and from time to time slips an HIV or syphilis test into the routine bloodwork regardless. From my point of view, hookups would work. They offer novelty and adventure, but don’t threaten the home relationship dynamic.
I know about open marriages, but don’t know how that must work. My partner and I agreed explicitly “No boyfriends.” I never wanted to, but for us, it worked to separate sexual itches from emotional needs and complexities.
I hoped this book would give me more insight into that. Lola acknowledges the many possibilities for anxiety and conflict, but they have a cognitive approach to anxiety management. For me, that never worked. My anxiety manifests as flurries of thought, but is rooted in emotions. I can’t manage my anxiety by thinking.
The book has a good set of questions for journaling or discussion. For those who value dialogue to develop intimacy, that will be very helpful.

This book was an eye-opener. As someone who tried to go in to non-monogamy for the wrong reasons, it helped me see where I went wrong and what I could do better. This book was enlightening and helped me better understand how to dive into this world that felt refreshing and scary. I would highly recommend this to other readers.

When I first saw this on NetGalley I was like 'anxious?! non-monogamous?! I am both of those things!' so although I don't read too many non-fiction books these days I put in a request (thanks to the publisher for approving my request).

It's a pretty decent introduction to polyamory, specifically for people who may have backgrounds with trauma, or like the title says, anxiety. Mental health is an important part of any relationship, whether it be monogamous or not.

It was an easy read, and wasn't confusing or irritating. It was full of useful anecdotes and ideas. I liked the workbook parts.

I'd recommend this one to someone just starting out with non-monogamy. I think it would be a useful resource!

Growing up in a conservative, traditional household, I was taught that monogamy was the only way we are to hold relationships, particularly in a romantic fashion. Yet, we see the phrase “it takes a village” when discussing the raising of children and are very “village” minded when it comes to certain topics.

Non-monogamy is usually seen through the scope of sleeping with others, besides your partner. But, what it truly is, is realizing we all have varying degrees of love and sense of community and, for some, that love can be shared with more than one partner.

Lola Phoenix has put together a book that answered many questions I had, as well as brought up topics I’d never thought of, when it comes to polyamorous relationships. Written from the perspective of an anxious person, Phoenix lays out the ground work for the easy stuff and the difficult conversations that must happen in a partnership before treading into the waters of polyamory. They also provide sections to write out thoughts, questions, and relationship check-ins, which is honestly a tool that every relationship needs!

I applaud that this book has been written and has been able to be published today with so much stigma still existing around Polyamory and I especially appreciated the intersections that this book covers with mental health. That being said, where this is supposed to be a Guide for anxious people entering into Polyamorous relationships, it comes across far more as a WARNING brochure. Many, many of the points feel very much like they are asking the reader if they're "sure... are you really sure?" if this is what they want due to the difference between Monogamy and Polyamory. There is also a passage that makes the catch-all blanket statement that "Romantic love is the most important kind of love" which I find highly subjective.
If the title of this book appeals to you, I would advise reading it as there are some nuggets of wisdom just beware that it approaches Polyamory as more of a 'lifestyle' than a sexuality, which many Polyam people experience it as.

**Thanks for the ARC! All opinions are completely my own.**

Informative, engaging, and practical. I enjoyed this introductory guide and its strong emphasis on mental health, wellness, and mindfulness.

Such a great introduction to non-monogamy in a way that is accessible and intersectional. I've read most of the other kind of "how to be poly" guides, and there is always an emphasis on nonheirarchal relationships, which I agree with, but as a parent who is poly and coparents also knows that there is usually more to the conversation than such definitive language can hold. I really appreciate Lola Phoenix' ability to open up a conversation, be descriptive and use examples, while reiterating that every situation will feel different. The work book sections are a great addition!

I don't like the way this is structured but I'm sure someone else will enjoy this. I'm grateful I was given an opportunity to read this but I'm fairly certain that my research into this topic will go better with another title.

This book could be such a useful intro to non-monogamy for people--with a combo of activities, advice, anecdotes, and considerations.

As someone who has been non-monogamous for basically my whole dating and romantic relationship life, i was not the target audience of this book--it's really geared toward people who are deciding whether or not to be non-monogamous or have just decided. If i had read the description, i might have known that, but i'm really more of a judge-a-book-by-its-cover sort of person so thought i would share in case that helps anyone else. Lola had a lot of really well-organized structures to consider what would work for each person, without a lot of prescriptiveness which i really appreciate. Almost nothing was a strict "this is a good approach" or "this is a bad approach," more "these are some things to think about when figuring out about how you want to do this." I think that's how relationships and relationship orientations are realistic and sustainable, so i was glad for it.

Also i read all the way through to the bibliography of recommended readings (this was an ARC so may be different in the real book), and they were mostly not books about non-monog/polyam, they were books about power. When i saw that, it helped me understand what worked for me about the book--the focus on how relationships AND internal experiences are shifting dynamics that can't ever be taken out of context.

Anyway, i really appreciated this addition to the sprawling landscape of books about relationship orientations outside of monogamy, even if it didn't really speak to me personally in terms of questions i am considering!

This was a NetGalley ARC.