I came to this book completely unfamiliar with Costello and Kaszyca, as well as their podcast, and I was pleasantly surprised by the depth and breadth of the contents. They do a great job of explaining the variation within the aspectrum in a way that is accessible for aspec readers and those who are entirely new to the topic. Costello and Kaszyca have different orientations and perspectives, and they also collect the voices of dozens of other ace and aro people to provide a robust portrayal of the community. While some of the book is about sex and relationships, you'll also find sections on housing, parenting, friendship, and other topics. By encouraging readers to put on "purple lenses" and consider this from an asexual/aromantic point of view, the authors highlight some major biases in the way society assumes everyone is equally interested in "the relationship escalator," an upward trajectory of intimacy.

Sounds Fake but Okay is a book about asexuality and aromanticism and is written by the creators of a podcast with the same name. I’ve listened to the podcast for a while now and greatly enjoy it so my review may be a bit biased.

Compared to other books on asexuality I’ve read in the past, Sounds Fake but Okay approaches it a bit differently. It is very much informative on asexuality but also features the writers own experiences with asexuality and their journeys to get where they are in regards to their sexuality / romantic orientation. I can see some people not liking this or finding it unprofessional to do so, but seeing real world experiences with asexuality and aromanticism is really important and I appreciated it. The book also features a lot of quotes from others peoples experiences asexuality which is also beneficial.

Overall I found this to be a really good book on asexuality and to be informative and I think that people with less knowledge on asexuality, aromanticism and other micro labels under it.

“There is a whole other abundance of perfectly valid ways of existing that I had not previously considered”

Bringing together anecdotes of their personal experiences as aspec, survey responses from their podcast viewership, along with information from aspec research Sarah Costello and Kayla Kaszyca have put together an incredible resource for all readers.

Working through the topics such as society, friendship, romance, sex, family, and gender, the authors encourage readers to put on purple coloured glasses to see how the aspec perspective can help one navigate the world in a different way.

Given the depth that Costello and Kaszyca cover in their writing without being overly academic, I believe this book to be an accessible resource for those wishing to learn more about the aspec community.

Thank you NetGalley and Jessica Kingsley Publishers for access to an advance copy to review.

The book is a 7/10 for me. I think the content is good quality and would be a way for ace-spec people to begin navigating the waters. The mix of the authors' personal experiences and those of others allowed for a diverse range of perspectives on many core issues.

On the negative side, the 'survey' that gathered participants was not fully discussed as to how it happened, when it happened, etc. That led to some concerns about credibility. I read the book half through NetGalley and half through the Kindle epub. The Kindle epub uses red text for author's foot notes, which is inaccessible for some readers. Likewise, having all the citations at the end of the book (rather than numbered and presented consecutively with author notes) was confusing at times.

Interesting read.
I like the different points of view on everyday society subjects.
It made me start listening to the podcast of these two young ladies. Those conversations are in a way brought on paper in this book.

Firstly, thanks to Sarah and Kayla for writing this book! It's really important that more information about asexuality and aromanticism gets out there and I appreciate all the work they've done to spread awareness, both with this book and otherwise. I have a few thoughts about the content of the book. They come not from a negative place but from wanting to help.

For one thing, I found the paragraph in chapter 8 about JK Rowling and Harry Potter as a refuge for trans people...alarming. As a cis person myself, I would never venture to speak on the behalf of trans people in that way and I know a lot of trans folks would disagree with what was said because Harry Potter is indeed ruined for them, which is valid. I think it would be extremely wise not to leave that in the book. The inclusion of a racist book as an example in the chapter also seemed iffy, even with a footnote included. I can't help but to think that if a Native American person had written the book, they would not have been comfortable including that.

In chapter 4, I would have liked a bit more elaboration about romantic aces that DON'T have sex or poly relationships...I know the chapter was trying not to do the "But some aces have sex, we're just like you!" thing, but to be honest, as a romantic sex-averse ace myself, it still kind of came across that way. I think if I were an allo reading the book, from the content in the chapter I'd have come away from it with the impression that romantic aces either have sex anyway or are willing to engage in polyamorous relationships as a sort of compromise, and many of us would not be comfortable with either, which would have been nice to talk about in a bit more depth.

Maybe this is a nitpick, maybe this is an issue on my end...but as someone who isn't kinky, I really did not understand non-sexual kink any better after reading the section about it in chapter 8. I was actually kind of confused by it. I think it was partly the lack of examples of what that might be.

But I don't want to just criticize. I really appreciated and liked the explanations of the way society is built to exclude aspecs and the way certain advances in queer rights have continued to set aspecs back. I also loved the family and friendship chapters, and the gender chapter was very thorough and enlightening. How interesting that a majority of young aspecs are also trans or non-binary! I didn't know that, but didn't find it surprising either.

Overall, I think this is a great introduction to the aspec lens for aspecs and allos alike! It's not fully comprehensive, but I imagine going into fuller depth on the contents of the book might be overwhelming to people new to these topics. I'd definitely recommend this book as an introduction to asexuality, aromanticism, and the way we fit (or don't fit) into society.

From the book description, in Sounds Fake But Okay, "Sarah and Kayla invite you to put on your purple aspec glasses - and rethink everything you thought you knew about society, friendship, sex, romance and more. Drawing on their personal stories, and those of aspec friends all over the world, prepare to explore your microlabels, investigate different models of partnership, delve into the intersection of gender norms and compulsory sexuality and reconsider the meaning of sex - when allosexual attraction is out of the equation." What I've noticed when reading non-fiction that deals with the aspec community is that each book will have a really strong topic that I love the conversation around, but a lot else will fall flat. So let me focus on the positives first. I think this is one of the only books I've read so far that touches on aplatonic individuals - people who feel little to no platonic attraction. While certainly not as common as asexual or aromantic individuals, aplatonic people do exist and have their own ways of feeling and expressing love, and they should be respected and appreciated like anyone else. I always like how books like these will include quotes from other people who identify differently from the authors, to get their unique perspectives on certain topics. I also did appreciate their inclusion of quotes from an interviewee who, at the time, identified on the asexual spectrum but, as she transitioned, realized that label no longer fit. The discussion around labels is always a fascinating, and I liked how this highlighted the fluidity of labels and how you know yourself best, so if the label doesn't quite fit anymore there's no reason to still squeeze yourself into it - allow yourself to learn what words and language fit how you're feeling in that moment.

While I did have some positive things to say about this book, I have some very serious flaws I would like to point out. First, parts of the writing style did not work well for me. This could be due to it being more conversational, which makes sense as the authors are podcast hosts, but sometimes the voice would switch from third to first person, and several phrases were used so often that it took me out of the book (the terms "aspec lens" and "purple-colored glasses" were repeated so much I started to physically react every time I read those words). The authors do make a note of stating clearing and evidently their biases - both are cisgender white women with a Western view on things - but a lot of the discussions, when not including quotes from other people with different lived experiences, felt very basic and over-arching that it felt like it was addressing the entire community as a whole, instead of the pockets it should be highlighting. I had a hard time deciphering who the intended audience of this book was. Some of the marketing material stated that it is a "guide to help aspec people become more confident in their identities and understand their relationships," but if this was set up as a guide for people on the aro and ace spectrums, why, as a reader, are we told so often to put on our "purple colored glasses?" Shouldn't we, as aspec people, already be looking at the world, or at least different aspects of it, with that lens already in mind? And even still, there isn't one prescription of these glasses, because even as aspec individuals we can still view the world in ways different from other aspecs depending on other factors and lived experiences. One last thing I will mention is that in the final chapter of the book, there is a paragraph that mentions J.K. Rowling, and Harry Potter in a positive light. Considering all the harm Rowling has caused directly to the trans community, I felt like inclusion of this paragraph was not needed and harms the talking points of the chapter, if not the book. I will point out that this was written in my advanced reader's copy, and am not sure if it is still included in the final edited version. I personally hope for its removal.

In conclusion, I feel like this book is best fit either for individuals looking to learn a little bit more about the asepc community as an outsider, or for people who maybe are beginning to question their sexual and romantic identity and will feel validated by the new aspec lens this book offers them. Otherwise, as an aro ace who has been firm in her identity for several years now, I wasn't the biggest fan of the writing style, repetitive nature, or single-minded language occasionally used throughout. The aromantic and asexual communities are not a monolith, and no two experiences will ever be exactly the same, so picking this up may help you in your learning or identity-searching journey, but, in my opinion, it did not assist in mine. *Thanks to NetGalley and the publisher, Jessica Kingsley Publishers, for the early copy, all thoughts and opinions are my own.*

*Thanks to NetGalley and Gallery/Jessica Kingsley Publishers for providing me with an early copy in exchange for an honest review.*

As a demisexual person I really appreciate what this book set out to do. Asexuality is one of those strange things that most people are aware of to some extent, but very few people have any understanding about what it actually IS. There are a lot of misconceptions out there and this book does a really good job at breaking down what asexuality means (and includes various perspectives from other aspec people since asexuality is a spectrum and varies from person to person). Sarah and Kayla break down some of the relationships of asexual people, from family and friends to media and society.

There were a few points that I think should have gone a little deeper, like asexuality and media. They brought up some great examples of how even non-romance/sex centered media still tend to prominently feature romance/sex storylines. but I was hoping they would touch more on some of the portrayals of aspec people in media that tend to perpetuate stereotypes about asexual people whether directly or through context. The example that kept coming to mind was Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory. He isn't specifically labeled as aspec, but his character is definitely coded as such and his incompetence/obliviousness with women is regularly used as a punchline. I also wish that the additional perspectives were longer and expanded on more aspec identities since the authors are both writing through the lens of middle class white women. They do acknowledge this multiple times, but I think it's going to hinder the book's relatability to other aspec lived experiences.

Sounds Fake But Okay is a great beginner guide to understanding the "aspec" identity, and it's definitely a great starting place for people wanting to know more. This book is very surface level though. so people who already have a general understanding of asexuality probably won't have too many takeaways, but I did appreciate that it feels so accessible. I wasn't familiar with the "Sounds Fake But Okay" podcast, but after reading this book I'm definitely excited to give that a listen!

An entire paragraph dedicated to defending JKR? Are you kidding me? Absolutely not. This book reads like a script to a podcast, the formatting is choppy, and the transphobia is a hard freaking pass.

TW: transphobia

Oof. So. Lately we've seen an increase in aspec non-fiction and I've been making my way through them and I almost thought I finally had a favourite.

And then a HP reference happened. In an aspec nonfiction. In 2023. But okay, I went on, more careful. And then, towards the end, the low rating of this book finally made sense - there's an entire paragraph about JKR "despite her views on gender" write books that are still a source of comfort to many people. What a way to describe a person who's almost single-handedly funding anti-trans laws in the UK and who inspired the skyrocketing transphobia.

I honestly don't want to go on with this review after that. It is easy to read (editing is choppy but hopefully it will be fixed in the final copy) and it covers basic topics in the aspec community in an approchable manner. It's pretty shallow at times and, despite quotes from different respondents, offers largely a white, middle-class, young, cis, US perspective on the topic. It could definitely could use more research on queer theory as a lot of the ideas aren't new at all but it would be a nice introductory aspec book. I agree that it reads more like a script to a podcast rather than a book, but that once again makes it more approachable to people who aren't in the topic.

The chapter on gender was my least favourite - and I can see clear connection with my biggest problem with this book. It read very outdated, things that might have been okay in the early 2000s but now are just weird. I wrote it off as a cultural difference until the JKR rant.

I'm afraid that it's a deal breaker and I won't be recommending this one.

When I finished this book, I slept before wanting to write the review because I needed to really understand how I felt.

I was not a fan. This book read as if I was reading the transcript to a podcast. The flow was choppy at best. The added quotes were cute. However, they were difficult to distinguish from the authors because there was no quotation marks only a snippet after the quote such as (Jane Doe (she/they) Graysexual, panromantic).

It felt as though there were too many authors writing and again it ruined the flow. I suppose this is a good book if someone wants their perspective or is a fan of their podcast, but there is better material out there that touches the same subject.

Thank you NetGalley, Jessica Kingsley Publishers, Singing Dragon, Sarah Costello, and Kayla Kaszyca for providing an eARC for an honest review!

**Thank you to NetGalley and Jessica Kingley Publishers for this arc in exchange for an honest review**

Throughout the book, Sarah (aromantic/asexual) and Kayla (biromantic/demisexual) talk about seeing the world through an aspec lens, living by the mantra, "don't should," meaning you shouldn't do things that you don't want to do just because you feel like you should do them, or feel guilty that you haven't done them. There is more than one way to exist, as Sarah found out in 11th grade when she had a teacher that was single, childless, frequently travelling, and most of all: happy. As a childfree woman myself, I'm not afraid to tell people I have no interest in having children, and I don't care what they think of me for it.

In the chapter about friendship, they describe a female friend named "Tina" who dumps her friends the second she gets a boyfriend, only to be heard from again when they break up. That is, until they get back together, and she leaves them in the dust again. I had a friend like this I met a couple years after high school. She was incredibly selfish, never really asked about me, and dropped me as soon as she got a boyfriend. Suddenly, I didn't exist anymore. She came around when they broke up because of course she needed someone to console her and listen to her tales of woe. One night, she texted me that she took too many muscle relaxers and I thought she was trying to kill herself, so I called her parents and they took her to the hospital. That's what you do for friends even when their treatment of you is less than stellar. The point of that chapter is that we shouldn't forget about all of our other relationships once we are in a romantic/sexual one, and why do we have to put our relationships into a hierarchy, with romantic/sexual always being most important?

They go on to talk about romantic relationships and when to tell someone about your orientation. I think that you should be up front right away if you want to make sure nobody's time gets wasted either way. Compromise can also be a hard thing to do if you have very different expectations about sex, for example.

They bring up that one of the reasons that there isn't more asexual representation in books and other media is because those characters are seen as less interesting than those who are sexual.

Overall, the book was okay, but nothing special or particularly insightful. The formatting left a lot to be desired, as quotes from people just start out of nowhere, and you think it was still the authors talking until you get to the end where it tells you who said it. Also, chapters just start in the middle of pages. There are better books about asexuality I could recommend instead that would be more worth your money.

To quote the first chapter: “Though this is a book about asexuality, it will not be an ace 101 textbook or a historical outline, not will it focus exclusively on sexual identity in the traditional sense […] We will be applying the aspec worldview to topics such as friendship, family, housing and more.” While they accomplished the goal of writing a book about asexuality, I don’t think they fully followed through on a deeper analysis of aspec topics.

It begins with a quick glossary to get you oriented, which covers the most basic terms related to the asexual and aromantic spectrums, and in general the book is a light overview of and entryway into aspec identities and ways of being. On that note, it really is pretty surface level, and there was potential for deeper analysis that just wasn’t fulfilled (if that’s what you’re looking for, I suggest Refusing Compulsory Sexuality by Sheronda J. Brown, whose analysis is sharp and intersectional).

It is written in a conversational tone, which is not surprising since the authors have a podcast together (I haven’t listened to or heard of it before, so I went in cold). This resulted in a sort of stream-of-consciousness format, which I don’t think did them any favours in terms of structuring their arguments. While the inclusion of comments by many other people - respondents to a survey - was useful for expanding the scope beyond the perspectives of white cis middle-class women that Sarah and Kayla could provide, I found that the quotes were incorporated in a clunky way that disrupted the flow of reading for me (and I wasn’t always sure who was writing - in the eARC they weren’t in quotation marks or delineated in any way beyond the attribution at the end of a paragraph, so I couldn’t tell if some of the quotes were multi-paragraph or if Sarah/Kayla were inserting commentary between them).

One thing I found a little odd is the way each woman would write about the other’s experiences - a section is headed with either Kayla or Sarah’s name, and would be written in first person as they shared anecdotes or introspection. However it would often be Kayla writing about Sarah’s (often incredibly personal) experiences, and vice versa. Now I know that they co-wrote this book - and obviously talk about this stuff together on their podcast - but it felt a bit weird that they repeatedly talk about the other person’s experiences when the format clearly allows for each of them to write about their own.

So I would probably have given this book about 3 for a decent if surface introduction to asexuality with a few misses in terms of execution, but I gave it two stars because of something that came out of left field in the final chapter:

“Revisiting the media we used to love in our youth, for example, and finding aspects of it problematic, does not negate any other positives we may have gleaned from it. It does not necessitate casting it aside entirely (although it certainly can).

“JK Rowling’s views on gender do not take away from the hope and comfort so many trans people have gotten out of the Harry Potter books, films and resulting communities, not does it mean that the themes of her books which trans folks have felt paralleled their own experiences are no longer valid.”

Not only is it wholly inappropriate for two cis women to be commenting on this, especially considering how unnecessary it is in context, it’s also incredibly disappointing from a book which otherwise attempts a semblance of queer solidarity - given the active harm that Rowling is currently causing to trans and non-binary people as well as the wider queer community (in the UK and abroad), something that is only possible because of her cultural capital built through sustained interaction with HP media, the ‘don’t throw the baby out with the bath water’ message is just distasteful. (If they ~must~ bring it up, it seems disingenuous to comment on the comfort trans people used to take in Rowling’s works without acknowledging the betrayal of her vitriolic campaigns against their rights and dignity.)

Sounds Fake But Okay feels like chatting with your aspec friends from the internet. Costello and Kaszyca write in a conversational back and forth, periodically blending their voices, while also peppering in survey responses from their podcast listeners. Overall a fast and enjoyable read, this should not be the only book you read on asexuality. But for a baby queer or a parent looking to learn more, this could be a friendly introduction.

Covering such topics as society, friendship, partnerships of varying kinds, sex, family, gender, etc. SFBO is spread very thin for a 160 page book. Costello and Kaszyca want to explore everything through the aspec lens as a way of dismantling societal expectations and freeing us to live our queer truths. Other reviewers have noted that this is a version of the queer lens that has been explored before, and I don’t think that makes Costello and Kaszyca’s lens less valid, just perhaps more specific to their personal experiences.

I appreciated the responses from the survey, but I think the book may have been better served by interviews with a handful of those participants. Often I had follow up questions, or three responses were listed in a row with no attention given to them in the following text.

I found it unnecessary to point out the “nuance” surrounding JK Rowling.

Thank you, Net Gallery, for the advanced copy. of this book.
I found the book informative but biased by a western, white, middle-class perspective. This made it difficult. to envision the purple lenses the authors described.
the talk show format was easy enough to follow along with.

I found the way this book was written to be a little off putting. It read more like a disjointed conversation between people and didn't invite the reader in. As an ace, I found the information in the book to be on the light side, and seemingly gleaned from message board posts with no real pertinent information offered. Both repetitive and all over the place, it was a struggle to finish. I think it just tried too hard to be trendy and completely missed the mark at contributing anything to the ace community. There are better books out there.

On the surface, this book looks like just Podcasters making a project together.

But it's so much more!

In addition to being the very personal journeys of both authors, the book is also well-researched and sprinkled with anecdotes of many different people.

By the end, the authors' voices are clear:

"Love is not limited to romance or sex or that nebulous thing called attraction. Ultimately, to love is to care." (148)

With the onslaught of Valentine's Day and cheesy love songs, I think this book states it best: "'Love is love' ... applies to all aspec people. It has always applied to loves of all sorts and stripes, romantic and otherwise, and will continue to do so until the end of time." (21)

Highly recommend! 💜🤍🖤

So I have recently come out as Ace and so to find a book which speak about it frankly was amazing. I felt so seen and I could see the flags (ace flags) of the authors in myself.

This books is amazing and I am recommending to everyone and anyone who wants to know what it feels like to be ace or wants to understand themselves

The glossary at the start is helpful and has the right amount of detail.
This is a reflective and thoughtful book, with a dialogical element that goes back and forth between the two authors who clearly know one another well.
Other voices are brought in where topics are covered that aren't as familiar to the authors, and this gives the book a broader perspective.
It raises important questions about the significance of platonic love and deep friendship, which might be really helpful for others who don't centre romantic relationships in their lives.

I unfortunately did not finish this book. Although the content is important, I think this should have stayed as a podcast simply because it doesn't read well. The switch in perspectives between "we" and "I" and then neither threw me off. It was also pretty repetitive, which again wouldn't be bad for a podcast but I was quickly bored with this book, which was disappointing as someone who hoped to explore more of the aromantic identity.