This book is written as a letter to her transgender daughter. It also includes some history. It’s such an emotional read. This book is one everyone should read and it will stay with me for a very long time

It was an incredibly insightful book and opened my eyes to the challenged transgender people face on a daily basis. It was also an extremely heartwarming book - so often we hear stories of trans people who have been disowned by their family, are dead-named, put at risk etc, so to read a story of a parent supporting their child throughout the journey to becoming their true self made me tear up in a very positive way. So many people could learn a lot from this book and need to take a leaf out of Carolyn Hays’ book!

a very thought provoking memoir about raising a trans daughter that centres around a very traumatic event. it was touching how the author admits their mistakes, knowing that many situations could have been handled better- but shares them in the hope that it helps another families journey become smoother.

i think this is one of the most important, illuminating and heartwarming pieces of writing i have ever read.

'a girlhood' is an extended letter to hays' almost thirteen-year-old daughter, who was assigned male at birth but has understood and asserted herself as a girl since age three. hays writes in second person to directly address her daughter as she attemps to weave together the story of her girlhood, from pre-utero to present day, from her ever-evolving but firmly adoring perspective as her mother.

hays wrote this book under a penname to protect her daughter's privacy; she is actually an critically acclaimed bestselling author, and her knack for storytelling even in memoir form is certainly indicative of her success.

through touching retellings of the most pertinent joyous, alarming, devastating and heartening experiences their family have faced in the past decade, hays guides her daughter gently through not only her own history, but that of her trans predecessors and contemporaries. this book is rooted in historical context, and laced with physiological, sociological, spiritual and physiological facts and musings on what it is to be human, alive and flooded with blood— a constant and beating heart in your chest and an ever-shifting sense of who you are, who you are becoming, and who you aspire to be.

in under 300 pages, hays offers an essential insight into what it can mean to be a trans girl in middle school, summer camp, after school gymnastics; under the threat of a public supermarket and in the comfort of a childhood home; exposed to the mercilessness, viciousness and futility of transphobia, but also to unimaginable amounts of fierce, unwavering love.

she tells her daughter: "joy is a kind of rebellion. within that rebellion, a mother's pride can be a mutiny. my love for you is riotous."

thank you so much for the arc!

“Girlhood (and its move into womanhood) is becoming a body that men want to control, that men feel they should control.”

What happens when your toddler proclaims that you got their gender wrong? In the neverending argument of nature vs nurture, some parts of us are entrenched in us, this is our nature, and in this book, our author saw a boy’s body at birth but their toddler knew she was a girl. At the time of the letter she’s turning 13 and this is the history of her, within the context of her parents, her family and friends and American politics told from the mother’s point of view.

The statistics for trans children is heartbreaking and for the parent our author asks “This is the question: Would you rather have a dead son or a living daughter? Or, depending on their child’s gender identity: Would you rather have a dead daughter or a living son?”

As you’re reading part one and understanding the parents and family coming to terms with this reality (with all the love in the world) reading part one made me feel anxious. It was too good to be true and I was waiting for the world to happen to this family. And then it did.

This book covers a lot of history and topics such as racism, feminism, TERFs, Trans activism, ableism, religion, and so much more. All the while, Hays is fully aware of their privilege as a middle-class white family and the access to resources that this provides.

In addition, their daughter does not exist in isolation. She has siblings and grandparents and cousins and, as she gets older, friends and teachers and hers is a constant weighing up of who to trust and with whom she wants to share this private aspect of her being. “it’s like a little knife. the kids would all have one. And they could cut her with it anytime they wanted.”

This is also a story of a mother’s love for her children, meeting them where they are at, understanding who they are as individuals, and the lengths she goes to for them, to advocate for them, to give them the safest most loving home, and to prepare them to leave the nest.

There will be many trigger warnings with this one, but if you can, and you have a child in your life (whatever their gender identity) then this is a worthwhile read.

Thank you to NetGalley and Pan Macmillan, Picador for allowing me to read this insightful memoir.

'If she walked into this room, she would change your mind. She would change you.'

‘A Girlhood: A Letter To My Transgender Daughter’ is a beautiful memoir. Through a series of letters, Hays paints a portrait of her daughter’s early life. She talks about the happy times, and the struggles. She shares what she has learnt about the world through this journey, and empowers readers to do more when it comes to advocating for trans rights.

Not only is Hays a compassionate mother but she is a brilliant writer. Her words are so compelling, making real life read like fiction with its lyricism. Even the hardest, ugliest parts were written about in such a way, it made it impossible to put the book down.

I don’t know her daughter, but through reading ‘A Girlhood’ I feel like I do. Sure of who she was from the moment she was born, her story holds something that is valuable to all.

A Girlhood by Carolyn Hays
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⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ 4 stars
Pub Date 19 Jan 2023
#AGirlhood #NetGalley
Thank you to NetGalley and Pan Macmillan for providing me with an e-copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
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Carolyn Hays' letter to her transgender daughter, a child who has always known exactly who she is; others just needed to catch up.
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Written under a nom de plume to protect her family and the identity of her daughter, Carolyn Hays recounts how she and her family supported her daughter through her transition. Carolyn is very honest and admits she and her husband made mistakes at first, did not fully understand what their daughter was going through and what it would mean for their family.
One day, they received a visit from Child Protection Services; they had been reported by one of their neighbours who was concerned that they were dressing their child in girls clothes and "forcing their child to be homosexual." Carolyn also acknowledges her privilege as a white, married, educated, cisgender woman which put her at an advantage when faced with the real possibility of losing her daughter.
This book is full of fierce love, not just motherly love from Carolyn, but from the entire family who loves and accepts this child, unconditionally and simply for who she is (which is, sadly, not always a given for transgender kids.) It was really interesting learning about the steps the family took to protect their youngest child, such as moving to a completely different state, not only to be closer to supportive family, but because that state had anti-discriminatory laws that meant her daughter would be more accepted and protected.
If I have one criticism of this book is that it got a little repetitive towards the end but overall, this was such a powerful and compelling memoir and I highly recommend it.
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Many of the reviews of this book state that this is a book which is both full of love and incredibly important. These are not statements that I would disagree with at all, and I am sure that Hays and her daughter's story will resonate with and help many readers: the book is a very personal story of one family's experience. My rating is indicative of my own enjoyment of the book, which ended up feeling quite repetitive towards the end.

A beautifully written open letter, while written under a pen name “Carolyn” writes with such tenderness and warmth that I was racing through this book. A memoir from the beginning of motherhood, through pregnancy and up to the present day; which depicts how Carolyn and her family navigated her daughters transition. I often had a lump in my throat and found myself fighting back tears at the injustice both she and her daughter have faced. A brilliant piece of literature that everyone should read to educate themselves on the importance of communication and education.

Thank you Carolyn, NetGalley and to publishes for the chance to review this beautiful memoir.

This book is from the perspective of a parent with a transgender child. It's honest about the struggles they faced with healthcare in their southern state and making the move to somewhere more progressive for the sake of the whole family. It's easy to connect to the story and empathise with the family. It's not super heavy on the medical side, more the personal. I found it an enjoyable read and it will help you understand what others go through.