I should start by saying that this is the first non-fiction book I have read about being ace. Though I have known because of info I found on Tumblr I was ace in some way for over ten years (that number just shocked me) I have never met another ace or found easily accessible information regarding what this means. I really appreciated the intro and explanation of Allonormativity. For years I have pondered at feeling alien in a world that assumes everyone stakes such importance on what is unimportant to me. I liked how the author explained why these presumptions are damaging to those that don't fit it. For example the societal hierarchy of relationships has left me feeling inadequate since I was a teenager. my inability to be a part of the 'normal' relationship milestones that I have seen every person in my life take has left me feeling so lonely and inadequate; broken and wishing I were normal. This is exactly why it's so vital this book exists! My ace-ness is not a negative attribute! This book felt like a hug, like someone comforting me and telling that voice in my head that they're wrong. The final chapter left me close to tears. The Ace spectrum is so misunderstood and demonised, even by the Queer community! For ace people, being ace has often leaves us feeling isolated and lead to dark thoughts. So you can imagine how much it meant to me for the author to finish the book with a reminder that "being aspec is an expansion of possibility, not a limiting of it." Thank you for this book, I wish I had it when I was a teenager. But I'm glad I have it now too. <3

Interesting book, loved it! Looking forward to more from this author! Apologies for the lateness of my review

Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for an ARC in exchange for an honest review of The Ace and Aro Relationship Guide. Unfortunately I was unable to download this book before the archive date. I look forward to finding it at my local bookstore or library.

I had to skim most of this book, because the formatting was really weird. I know it is just an arc, but there weren’t any breaks for chapters, there would be a random letter and the rest of the word would be in a new paragraph, it was hard to read. With that being said I did like the book, and will get a finished copy. I liked the topics that were brought up and how they gave a content warning before the topic of abuse was brought up.

Wonderfully written with kindness and much needed gentleness, the author wanted this book to be accessible for young people, which it is but that also means that its a great book for anyone of any age to understand more about relationships, especially if they are Ace or Aro. Beginning with helpful definitions and an illuminating 10 point relationship toolkit, that are really helpful building blocks, I like the questions and moments for reflection with self or others that are suggested in this section. The next section is more of a guide to relationship stages themselves, some of which will be familiar to anyone in the UK who has read or heard the work of Meg-John Barker. A helpful and welcome addition to books about relationships that I think everyone could learn from but especially for those who are Ace/Aro or those who wish to understand more.

With thanks to Netgalley and the publisher for an ARC in exchange for an honest review.

Last year I reviewed the internet’s favourite ace dad’s book I Am Ace: Advice on Living Your Best Asexual Life. Now, Cody Daigle-Orians is back with The Ace and Aro Relationship Guide: Making It Work in Friendship, Love, and Sex. While both books are aimed at aspec readers, this latter is a more focused and broader exploration of the nature of relationships—of all kinds—as an acespec or arospec person. Jessica Kingsley Publishers has been killing it putting out so many awesome books about being asexual and aromantic—check out my asexuality bookshelf for more. I received an eARC in exchange for a review, and I read this book during Ace Week!

As many of you already know, I am both asexual and aromantic. I’ve known this about myself for a long time and found both labels at different points in my twenties. Personally, my experience with discovering and navigating my sexuality has not been traumatic. Aside from a few awkward attempts at asking people out in high school, romance and sex just never happened for me, and I have always been happy with that. In fact, when I was initially offered a copy of this book, I debated whether to read it. My first impression was that this book is aimed at ace people who want to find a romantic partner, or vice versa, aro people looking for a committed relationship without the romance angle. Neither of those things describe me—I learned from this book that I am nonamorous, i.e., I don’t desire a single, central relationship in my life and instead find fulfillment through a decentralized network of various relationships.

So I couldn’t have been more wrong: this is a book for all aspec people. Whether you are aroace like me, alloromantic asexual, allosexual aromantic, or some form of demi or grey or whatever other labels work for you, The Ace and Aro Relationship Guide has got you covered.

And let’s talk about labels for a moment. This always seems to come up when we start discussing any type of queer identity beyond the basic Neapolitan ice cream flavours of gay or straight. Yeah, there a lot of labels and microlabels out there, and look, I get it—it can feel overwhelming. And yeah, I was a little bored during parts of this book because Daigle-Orians covers labels and ideas that are familiar to me, as an extremely online queer person. I know all about sex-favourable vs sex-averse (me) versus sex-repulsed. But hey, maybe someone—especially younger someones in their teens and twenties, who are the primary target here—needs to learn those terms. Like I said earlier, I learned about nonamory from this book and that it applies to me, and that is pretty damn cool.

Indeed, if I have a criticism of this book, it’s that it reads more like a serial of wiki entries than an actual “guide” of sorts. I don’t know what the print version looks like, but the ebook would benefit from a lot of hyperlinking, and I’d love to see a print version with callout bubbles saying, “For more on this, go to page….” The content here is perhaps more suited to a nonlinear form, like a wiki, rather than a book. Yet here we are.

On the bright side, the book’s organization is logical and extremely helpful. It’s divided into two broad parts: “The Relationship Toolkit” and “The Relationship Workshop.” Daigle-Orians constructs a framework around the idea of an “ANKOP relationship” (“a new kind of perfect”) where we redefine our expectations of the conditions required for a relationship to be valid, healthy, and loving. That is, their thesis here is that relationships need neither sex nor romance to be valid. In the first part, they explore the tools we need to be successful in any relationship: an understanding of boundaries and consent, communication, trust, etc. In the second part, each chapter applies these ideas to a different kind of relationship: platonic, sexual, romantic, etc. Daigle-Orians also does their best to acknowledge how the lines between these kinds of relationships blur, how some relationships don’t fit neatly into boxes, etc.

Like many a more reference-oriented work, this organization lets you dip in and out—it’s not meant to be read linearly like I stubbornly do with all books of this type. So you could pick up this guide just for a couple of chapters. But if you read it all the way through, of course, you also get to see the themes Daigle-Orians develops and the connections made throughout the chapters.

To be frank and vulnerable, this was kind of a healing book for me. Although I haven’t experienced much direct trauma as a result of being aroace, I experience the erasure, the amatonormative pressure, the compulsory sexuality that our society constantly directs at all of us. I nearly broke down playing The Outer Worlds this week because its ace NPC, Parvati, was coming out to me, and the game includes dialogue options that not just allow me to sympathize but actually say, “I am ace too, and I am also aro,” and that was so powerful. Just to be seen and recognized like that, both in terms of Parvati sharing her lived experience but then also getting to assert my own through my player character. Wow.

In the same way, The Ace and Aro Relationship Guide carefully and compassionately acknowledges the hurt and pain that often comes from being aspec in an allonormative, amatonormative world. Perhaps more significantly, it does this in a constructive way. The ANKOP framework is here to say, “Look, it doesn’t have to be this way.” And while this book really gets more into the weeds than an allo reader might need, this is the kind of learning allosexual and alloromantic people need to do as well.

So, to sum up: this is a book that made me feel seen and valid as an aroace woman. It introduced me to some new terminology. Even though I feel like I am largely successfully applying the ANKOP ideas in my life already (humblebrag), I got stuff from this book. For a younger reader, for someone just figuring out their sexuality, for people trying to put into words their feelings or desires around connection … yeah, The Ace and Aro Relationship Guide is invaluable. Highly, highly recommend.

This was a nice, informative read about asexual and aromantic relationships. I found the information useful and interesting, and it definitely made me think. As someone on the ace spectrum (and maybe aro too), it was nice to see my sexuality represented and useful to understand myself a little bit more.

A solid book about asexuality and relationships. Something like this would have been super useful when I was a teen. I look forward to adding it to our collection.

I'm sure this is going to be a valuable resource for someone. Personally, while I appreciate the purpose of it, I didn't find it the most helpful nonfiction I've read.
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As someone who is both aromantic and asexual, I don't desire a relationship in the traditional sense of the word. I liked how comprehensive the information was, and I like that all the information is in one place.
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It's nice that this information is becoming more easily accessible and is there for anyone who pick up the book, rather than people finding it because they're specifically looking for aspec information and resources.
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Thank you to NetGalley for sending me an ARC copy of this book.

This is titled a guide, and it kind of is. I just don’t think I’m the right target audience for these non fiction books anymore. If i had read this years ago, when I was discovering my asexuality, it would’ve felt more essential and knowledgeable. But now that I’ve become pretty content and confident on who I am, it didn’t feel all that necessary. Having said that, I think it’s awesome to see something like this published and out there. Cody is one of the biggest voices for the ace/aro community, and being able to have this access and resource shows how much the community has grown. It’s a somewhat self help book too, so for anyone figuring and questioning themselves, I think this offers a good way to find that. There are personal stories from Cody themselves that kind of reflect and show how they are who they are. This can work for some and may not work for others. For me, it was in the middle. They didn’t really help and feel necessary, mostly because I thought they didn’t really add much depth.

It’s also important to note that just because this is a “guide,” it shouldn’t really be treated as one. Everyone’s experience with asexuality and/or aromanticism is, and will be, different. Boundaries, conversations, intimacy, actions, etc,.—it’s all different for everyone. The authors goal isn’t to tell anyone how it should be and how it will be, but instead to give an idea of what to expect, or how different it might be for someone who is on the spectrum and someone who isn’t. I think this is also important for anyone who isn’t ace/aro and may be dating someone who is. There’s definitely a lot to learn. A lot of new terms that honestly, respectfully, I struggle keeping up with. Some of them just feel like too much. Unpopular opinion, perhaps. Regardless, it’s all own voices, and there is a lot to take away from this.

The author did a fantastic job. This is defiantly one of those books I would need a physical copy for in order to be able to add notes and stickys to. The way it is sectioned is easy to follow and the term break down at the beginning is a wonderful introduction to what you are getting into. The authors tone is fun and easy to follow and I appreciate the anecdotes that are included.
This would be good for both those who identify as aspec and those who just wish to understand or are getting involved with those in the community. This is more a help book on building relationships of ALL sorts though.
It is absolutely lovely of the author to also add the further learning section at the end in order to lead to more books that are broken down by what exactly you want to learn more of, online community and learning sources, and even a couple help hotlines.

The Ace and Aro Relationship Guide is not only about dating and sex guidance. This guide is about building satisfying relationships, without the weight of society's expectations on romance and sex. The book is split into two parts: the relationship toolbox, using the author’s coined term, ANKOP (A New Kind Of Perfect) and the relationship workshop.

Part one breaks down important parts of relationships, different kinds of relationships, and how they can be perceived by Ace and Aro folks. Also this isn’t just about traditional romantic and sexual partnerships, it covers all different kinds that ace/aro folks may build. This was a great introduction section and really breaks down all the different things that can be different for Aro/Ace folks. Also each chapter had a reflect and act sections that really helped provide ways to implement what you learned in your own life.

Part two takes everything discussed in part one and applies it to actual relationships, and not just romantic ones. This was a great section to really learn about all the different types of relationships people can have and how they are all valid. This book emphasizes that all relationships are valid, even if there isn’t romance or love.

As someone who is ace this book was very helpful and informative. I do wish it had been available when I was a teenager because it would have really helped before I started building romantic relationships. I am happy this exists now though, and hope it reaches as many young people as possible so it can help them.

Targeted at ace and aro folks, this book offers some relationship advice as well as tools to help put your new knowledge to use. Some of the advice feels a little basic—and can be applied to relationships in general, regardless of your sexual or romantic orientation—but the information is a good refresher. Sometimes it's the most obvious stuff that bears repeating.

Validating and informative. For anyone who identifies as ace or aro, this book with make you feel seen.

DNF @ 30%

Choosing to DNF this book is purely a subjective move on my part and in no way reflects the quality of this book. In fact, I think this is an extremely valuable book and I'm happy that it exists. The information in here is excellent and I know a lot of people will get a lot out of it.

Ultimately, I'm not quite the target audience for this. It falls more in the "Asexuality/Aromanticism 101" category and so there wasn't much in here that I didn't already know. It also is very much a self-help book and I'm learning that I personally don't vibe with those in general (especially when they don't give me new information). I also just think I'm a bit too old for it - I've done all of the reflecting on these ideas about a-spec identities and relationships on my own already!

This book is perfect for YA audiences in particular - in addition to providing an introduction to asexuality and aromanticism, there is a lot of great advice for relationships (both platonic and romantic) in general. It's also a great option for people who are just starting to learn about asexuality/aromanticism.

I think this book was really interesting as someone who doesn't identify as aro or ace. I think we often forget how difficult relationships can be for those people. I think this book can be really helpful for aro and ace people. It's easy to read and understand, therefore accessible for a lot of people.

As being someone who identifies as Aro, I found this guide extremely refreshing and validating. It is really hard to put into words what Ace and Aro people feel and it is hard to vocalize too, especially to a potential partner. I found the information in this guide very informative and closely related to my own experiences. I wish I had something like this to read when I was younger so that I could understand my thoughts and feelings better and be able to communicate those more effectively. Even though some parts were a bit dull, overall I think this isn't just for people who identify as Ace or Aro, and can be a helpful guide for anyone, especially for partners or people trying to understand family members or partners who identify this way. I think this guide is a great segway towards promoting more understanding of Ace and Aro sexuality and expanding the narrative for further discussion and hopefully promotion of more Ace and Aro characters in future stories.

this was a great breakdown of the basics of relationships and some different dynamics possible being in the aspec spectrum.
i really appreciate all the reflective questions and affirmations.
it’s given me a lot to think about and a lot to try to internalize better.
definitely seems like a handy book i’ll come back to often

thanks to netgalley for the early access

Who is this book for?

“This book is for asexual and romantic folks who have questions about to navigate relationships of all kinds.”

I have the feeling that there are more approaches and more understanding for the subject and the need to be close to others, but in a different way than is often described in films and books. All of these areas are complicated enough on its own, but when you feel different, it is somehow even more difficult. That's why I like the way the author demystifies certain lived concepts and decouples the need for closeness and intimacy from the classic relationship model, making it tangible for aspecs. And how they take the pathological out of the equation.

The book starts with the basics. Terminology. Social concepts. What is ace, what is aro, why do we sometimes say aspec, what’s the allo world? The author also makes it clear that this is their perspective on the spectrum and overall I found the tone and approach incredibly respectful and inclusive. And there’s the 2nd part of the book about relationships: friendships, platonic relationships, queerplatonic, nonamory, love and sex and romance. I like how open and authentic the book operates and how it covers so many areas with lots of stories from the author themself.

“My goal […] I want every ace and aro person out there to feel equipped and empowered to pursue the relationships they want.”

And empowering it is!

Overall, this is not a bland piece of non-fiction. It provides an opportunity to get informed, but those beyond that point can simply skip to specific toolbox or workshop sections of the book. It doesn't demand to be read chronologically.

That's what makes it so easy and convenient for me. I've been reading the book for a good 2 months now and I'm still discovering new things that interest me. It is just wonderful to have such an encouraging source of information and to be able to just dive in!

To close this with some final words from the author: “We can do what queer people have been doing since queer people have existed: imagine something different for ourselves and make that imagining real.”

Thank you to Cody Daigle-Orians, Jessica Kingsley Publishers and NetGalley for this ARC in exchange for an honest review!

This arc was so relatable and helpful to me especially as someone who falls on both spectrums! The community really needs more positivity towards aro/aspec people, I honestly felt seen while reading this ARC. I would definitely recommend this book to my fellow aro/ace folks!

Books on Asexuality and Aromantacism had only recently made headway in the mainstream literature world. Cody Daigle-Orians brings a lot of knowledge about his experiences with being aro/ace and is recognized as one of the main advocates for Asexuality. His second published book ‘The Ace and Aro Relationship Guide” is built on a concept truly not talked about. What does a relationship look like for someone who falls under the aro/ace spectrum?

This book is perfect for those who have never been in a relationship before or teenagers who are curious about relationships. Cody makes a lot of great points about consent, what a healthy relationship looks like, along with a list of other important concepts.

So, where did it loose me? I went into this book with the want to understand more about aro/ace relationships, but I found myself zoning it for most of the book. It’s extremely rudimentary and only skims the aro/ace side of relationships, which was disappointing. I finished it not really gaining anything from it. This book could probably be republished as a relationship guide or remove the dry repetitive sections.

Again, highly recommend for those who have never been in a relationship and want to know healthy habits. But, if that does not describe you, then maybe try his other book “I am Ace: Advice on Living Your Best Asexual Life” for a better alignment on the topic.