This book was as much tragedy as it was horror, filled with grief, self-hatred and trauma, leading to what was almost certainly a slow psychotic break. No holds were barred by LaRocca so I urge you to look up trigger warnings before reading.

"Every horror story is about power. Whether it's blatantly displayed or more discreet, every horror story is about power."

Ashley Lutin, battling the grief of losing his wife and son, has taken it upon himself to help strangers who are also buried in the depths of depression. He’s developed a ritual which he feels changes people’s lives and helps them start fresh. Heck, he even concludes this ritual by wishing them a ‘happy birthday’. He’s found a new purpose that is helping to alleviate his guilt, but must remind himself that at dark, he becomes loathsome.

I was locked in to this from start to finished. I could not look away, even when I really wanted to, which was multiple times because FUCK was this intense. Just when I felt like it was settling into a gentle rhythm, something switched up to keep me on my toes whether it was the stories within the story, online chat conversations, document extracts or just a reveal in the narrative.

"Although I recognised the fact that at dark, I become loathsome, I can't deny there's something quite exquisite about darkness and how it keeps our most precious secrets hidden in a celestial vault."

There were poignant examinations of grief, depression, suicidal ideation, internalised homophobia, guilt and self hatred. Sitting with Ashley’s perspective for the majority of the novel was difficult. He is not a likable guy and of course is not <i>meant</i> to be a likable guy, but it’s also impossible to not feel sympathetic towards him when reading about the trauma he’s faced. The man is mid-psychotic break before we’ve even met him and this process accelerates through the course of the story.

Every glimpse of stomach-turning gore or repulsive obscenity in this story is matched with a moment of heartbreak. That’s the real horror.

Thank you to Titan and Netgalley for providing an eARC of this title for me to review.

Probably Eric's best book yet. Ash is grieving but he has created a ritual to help others to see life anew. Unsettling but throughly absorbing and dark. Highly recommend for horror fans. Thanks to Titan books and Netgalley for this review ARC

Thank you to Net Galley and the publisher for access to an e-arc of this title.
I love Eric LaRocca's writing in general, but this is the best I have read from them. This was completely engrossing and I consumed this in one sitting. The first thing I thought when I finished this was "am I f***** up?".... I will be thinking about this one for years to come.
It follows a person that is grieving and as a result has become loathsome. It was such an interesting dive into grief, life, death, illness, sexuality, mental health, and so much more. How we perceive ourselves and our actions compared to how others view us and our actions. Honestly, I'm not sure I'm smart enough to fully understand every nuance of this short but impactful experience of horror and humanity.
I WOULD RECOMMEND THIS TO... readers who enjoy horror that makes you feel things that make you question yourself. Readers who like characters that are dark and feel real. Stories that swallow you whole and become a part of your soul. Readers who enjoy body horror of the sexual variety.

You expect weird and eery when you open an Eric LaRocca and this one is no different. So dark, so sad, but so intriguing. Horror fans will definitely enjoy this one.

Eric Larocca thrives when he is writing shorter stories, and I think this was a fantastic way to add a spin to a short story collection. We follow Ash as he grapples with his heartwrenching grief, an all-consuming grief, turning him into a faceless monster. He spends his time helping those on the brink learn to appreciate being alive while wallowing in his own misery. Throughout, he and other people he meets share gruesome stories, offering us the trademark short story horror he is justifiably known for. I want so much more of this from Eric in the future!

At Dark, I Become Loathsome by Eric Larocca is a dark fiction story for the readers who love to read body horror. The book explores the deep dark secrets of troubled minds. I am a huge fan of Larocca's works and have previously read his books. He has a unique writing style that has both horror and emotions. But, the book his little bits of sexual violence that can disturb your mind. The book creates a dark aura around you and you feel immersed in it.

Ashton Lutin's character is the soul of the story. Also, the plot has some mini stories also that increases the reader's interest. And, I think this one is the darkest one written by the author. For a moment I was numb reading all those encounters of various people with grief and the measures they took to cope with it. It was a really wonderful read. The book definitely deserves 5 stars.

Eric LaRocca is for me perhaps one of the best horror writers around at the moment. His ability to worm his way under my skin and make me uncomfortable with every narrative he crafts means that even if I'm not frightened by his writing I am affected by it; which when it comes to horror can often be the thing that leaves the biggest lasting impression. I've also found that it means I need to be very careful when reading LaRocca's work, as its darkness and disturbing content is not always something that I find comfortable to read, and if I read it at the wrong time it can worm its way into spiral of depression and discomfort. This is what happened to me when reading At Dark, I Become Loathsome.

At Dark, I Become Loathsome tells the story of Ashley Lutin, a man who has gone through immense tragedy in his life. His beloved wife died of cancer, and slow decline that he was with her for every step of. Then, his son Bailey goes missing one day, apparently snatched from outside a shop when Ashley left him alone for a few moments. In the years since, Ashley has become a very different person, having changed both his personality and appearance. He no longer paints, he rarely goes out, and he's modified his body with piercings and surgeries to 'reflect' the monster he believes is inside him.

One of the ways in which Ashley has found to contend with his depression is to help others through theirs. He's developed a ritual, designed for those who have given up on life and have reached rock bottom. Ashley takes these people to a remote location and buries them alive. Left underground for thirty minutes before being dug back up, the person is left to contemplate what it would mean if their life ended their and then, and how much they want that to happen. People emerge from the other side of the ritual reinvigorated, a newfound desire for life within them, and an appreciation for the beauty of the world. Ashley, unable to help himself move past his own turmoil, is doing it for others.

But Ashley's life changes when the police find evidence of his son, evidence that points to him having been murdered. Now Ashley doesn't quite believe in the ritual anymore, doesn't think that life is worth living for those like him. In meeting Jinx, his latest candidate for the ritual, that Ashley's life goes in a horrifying new direction.

At Dark, I Become Loathsome is not an easy read. It deals with themes of depression, loss, suicidal ideation, murder, sexual abuse, animal cruelty, and more. But it's not just a cruel and disturbing read, there's a story there too, a character we're following who's living through a terrible series of events, and transformation into something that most people would call monstrous. Ashley's journey is interesting to see, even if it's not an enjoyable or comfortable one. He's a man lost to grief, who has found truly awful ways of dealing with his depression. He views himself as a monster, he views the body modifications he's gotten as monstrous, he sees himself as damned, trapped forever in misery. He's a broken, pathetic person, but you're not sure if he's deserving of your pity.

As with other LaRocca books, there's heavy use of disturbing themes such as sexual violence and abuse, body horror, and animal cruelty. These are not pleasant to read about, and because of this I understand that LaRocca won't be to everyone's tastes. I don't think that this is the worst book for these themes, I've read much worse, but because I was particularly unwell whilst reading it, and thanks to some upsetting things going on at the time, I found this to be one of the hardest books for me to read. There's no joy here, no light to cling onto. It's misery, depression, and disgust. So make sure that you're in the right frame of mind to read this, because if not it's going to be a very difficult journey.

At Dark, I Become Loathsome is another brilliant novel by Eric LaRocca. As always with LaRocca we are invited into the darker side of human nature, particularly that of desire and guilt. The writing is both beautiful and haunting giving us a deep dive in the human psyche. What I love about LaRocca is they never flinch or leave things unsaid and explored. No matter how dark or how uncomfortable we see the full extent of what it can mean to be human.

A must read for horror fans this showcases the true versatility of horror and how layered and poignant it can be.

As always thank you to Titan Books and Netgalley the copy to review, my reviews are always honest and freely given.

“At Dark, I Become Loathsome” by Eric LaRocca is a dark, twisted exploration of desire, guilt, and the human psyche. LaRocca’s prose is hauntingly poetic, drawing you into a world of tension and unease. It’s unsettling and raw, leaving you with more questions than answers yet it’s impossible to look away. A truly gripping and unsettling read.

Right from the beginning this book tackles one of my biggest fears and for that alone it was quite an uncomfortable reading, but one I couldn't put down.
Let's talk about it.

Ashley lives a lonely life. His wife has passed, his child vanished and was never found and even though he's grieving, he tries to help other people that have no reason to live and think about ending things.
For that he has created a Ritual.
This ritual consists on being buried alive for a limited amount of time with the hope that they'll come out a new person or at least have a new view on life.

I must admit that there was a point I was getting a bit lost and couldn't see where the story was going.
One moment Ashley was fighting his demons and then the narrative would change and some weird story was being told.
I kept trying to tie the loose ends to see if there was any connection and somehow I wasn't ready for the ending. It just blew me away.

LaRocca's writing is beautiful, dark and unsettling. I'd say almost poetic.

Don't let this fool you though. There's some very graphic moments in this book. Afterall, it's a horror book!

This was a great read! For an extreme horror book there was way more of a plot than I was expecting there to be, and it was really well thought out.

At Dark, I Become Loathsome is a haunting exploration of grief, identity, and the human desire to reconcile pain with purpose. This thought-provoking work delves into themes of death, sexuality, and the lengths to which people will go to confront their demons—or help others face theirs.

At the heart of the novel is Ashley Lutin, a man grappling with the unimaginable loss of his wife and son. His peculiar ritual offers a morbid but strangely hopeful lifeline for those teetering between despair and survival. This ritual becomes the focal point of Ashley’s connection with Jinx, a figure as enigmatic as he is disturbing. Their relationship is a fascinating and unsettling spiral into darkness, layered with revelations that are both grotesque and deeply human.

LaRocca’s prose is sharp and evocative, capturing the rawness of grief and the complexities of human connection. The interplay between Ashley’s desire to help others and his own unhealed wounds forms the emotional backbone of the story, while Jinx’s macabre narrative provides a disturbing counterpoint that draws the reader deeper into their psychological tug-of-war.

The themes explored—identity, loss, the search for meaning—are handled with unflinching honesty, making the novel both introspective and emotionally resonant. It does not shy away from the darker facets of human existence, instead embracing them as necessary steps toward understanding and healing.

At Dark, I Become Loathsome is not a conventional read; it is unsettling, provocative, and deeply layered. For readers who appreciate stories that challenge comfort zones while offering rich insights into the human condition, LaRocca’s work is a powerful and unforgettable experience.

Read more at The Secret Book Review.

3.5*

Going into a new Eric LaRocca book, there are a few things I automatically expect to find—firstly, that you'll need to check your trigger warnings ahead of reading some incredibly disturbing things written in flowery, occasionally beautiful prose, and secondly that it's going to be divisive amongst readers. It's no surprise to me that At Dark, I Become Loathsome ticks both of those boxes (and then some).

Part extreme, part grief horror, the book follows Ashley, a queer man with great loss and uncertainty in his past. He tries to channel his despair into helping others and develops something known as 'the ritual,' a way of making those who can't face going on feel reborn into a world worth living in. As the darkness consumes him, Ashley begins to wonder if he's doing more harm than good and starts to adapt the ritual with horrifying consequences.

There's a lot I loved about this book. Although it is darker even than the title implies, touching on so many taboos and perhaps even a potential trigger I didn't know I could have, I loved LaRocca's writing. While it doesn't always quite work, and I'm sure plenty of people will find it too purple & poetic, I found it absorbing. The format of the book is such that, despite its short page length—more like a lengthy novella than a full novel—there are a number of stories told within the main narrative that help give insight into the character's states of mind. I thought this was executed perfectly, with these tales within saying so much without the need for exposition dumps. It's clear that in many ways LaRocca has trust that the reader will follow the pitch-black paths he takes, refreshing in a world where so many authors over-explain.

There are a few elements that made this a book I ultimately really liked, rather than loved. Extreme horror and splatterpunk have to walk a tightrope between being disturbing and just feeling like the author is being edgy for the sake of it, and on rare occasions it felt like this book leaned too far in the wrong direction for me. Some elements became a little repetitive—I could have happily never read the title referred to again by the halfway mark—and while the ending was well executed and overall very effective, I did see it coming and hoped that wasn't the direction it would go in. The final few pages more than made up for that, though, and honestly that's a 'me' problem rather than a legitimate criticism of the book.

If you have read LaRocca's work previously and either didn't like it stylistically or through the subject matter it addresses, I don't think this book will change your mind. If you're a fan of his, though, and yearn for his own brand of queer representation and a story that looks for the worst darkness and depravity in the human soul, then I can only confirm what you already know—this book is most assuredly one you'll want to read as soon as possible.

A disturbing and compelling tale of grief horror - this novella wormed its way under my skin and bubbled there the whole time I was reading it.

The significant losses of the narrator lie heavy underneath his words, and that dour, desperate tone looms over this story like earth pressing down on a grave.

What I found most disturbing here were the truly dark fantasies - characters being turned on by terminal illness, for example. So much of this story is deprived, yet told calmly and almost soothingly with a hypnotic narrative driven by the chant-like repetition of the story’s title.

This will absolutely not be for everyone. Aside from the main character being a widower and having lost a child, you’ll also find graphic descriptions of cancer, a suicide attempt, and some truly horrific animal abuse, while the explorations and questions about sexuality will also ruffle the feathers of a few.

However, if none of that puts you off and you want something truly dark that you can get through in a couple of sittings then give this a go. Also, knowing this author has plenty more releases on the horizons is very exciting - now is the time to get to know Eric LaRocca if you don’t already!

Thanks to NetGalley and the publishers for the ARC.

I have been a fan of Eric LaRocca since I first read “Things Have Gotten Worse Since We Last Spoke” two years ago.
I have always found their short story collections to be the best of modern horror writing: dark and twisted, with stomach churning gore, and complex characters you’re unsure if you should loathe or sympathise with.
However, I’ve struggled with some of LaRocca’s full length novels. The stories and characters have not been enough to sustain my interest across that many pages, and so I had wondered if their work was best left to short sharp stories.
With “At Dark, I Become Loathsome” I feel that LaRocca has now broken this curse. I devoured this book in two sittings, completely drawn in to the protagonist’s unusual rituals and habits. The addition of the short stories contained within the story certainly helped the pace, and overall this was a return to top form for LaRocca, proving once again why they are one of the best modern horror writers around.

2 stars
I want to preface this review by saying I enjoy horror, and I enjoy depraved fiction when done right. In my opinion this was not done right. The writing was trying to hard to be lyrical prose esg that it almost sounded A generated. I found the plot of this to be really uninteresting, and if it hadn't been so short so I could finish in a couple of hours I don't think I would've bothered finishing it. For a splatterpunk to be this forgettable is saying something. I do think the author has a lot of creativity though within this book, and I'm open to reading their other works as I think if it had a more engaging plot and characters, I could get past the writing style.
Thank you NetGalley for an arc of this book in exchange for an honest review..

I'm in 2 minds about this. The premise was very interesting and I was definitely drawn to the idea of redemption through burial. But the execution fell flat for me. There are 2 different stories within the story that just felt out of place.
At times, it just felt edgy for no real narrative reason. There was also no real closure in the end. Which is true of real-life I guess, but it's narratively unsatisfying.
I also needed more description of Ashley's piercings. LaRocca mentions them practically every time Ashley is outside but never says what they are. Just that people think of him as "monstrous". Are we talking full body modification with horns and stuff or a couple of eyebrow piercings??? Super jarring to read.
Loathsome seems a strong descriptor for someone with some piercings who buries people as a form of therapy. It could maybe have worked better as a longer work with more development.

Overall, it was fine. An interesting premise, characters that could have been more developed, but the themes of los and grief were strong.

At Dark, I Become Loathsome is a new short novel from LaRocca about a hopeless man who has invented an unusual ritual for people who want to die, but also want to live a better life. Ashley Lutin has lost his wife and his son has disappeared, he struggles with the knowledge of his queerness and the queerness he saw in his son, and he's positioned himself as an outsider who can be contacted by strangers for a strange ritual that, unbeknownst to them, involves being buried alive. However, one of these strangers tested Ashley's carefully planned ritual and his ideas of salvation.

I've read a lot of Eric LaRocca's books, and I tend to find his stories either work for me or they don't. This one is in the former category, with a good mix of some LaRocca trademarks (weird online forums, depraved actions, grim violence) and a self-aggrandising protagonist who believes he can really change people's lives. The writing style and layers to this book, with constant repetition of the title phrase and some stories-within-stories as internet posts, are likely to divide people, but I enjoyed how the book was almost self-obsessed with its own rituals and motifs, reflecting Ashley's ideas and how he uses these as a way to deal with his grief and regret. Ashley's own belief in his edginess and outsider reputation (particularly through his claiming that having face piercings makes him really weird) is also an interesting aspect and again reflects the title of the book and the certainty of the protagonist that he is loathsome.

As a fan of Dennis Cooper and books like Exquisite Corpse and Brainwyrms, I didn't find the content particularly shocking, and it all centres around our ideas of death and life so thematically makes sense. I did think that, though I liked the almost novella length (and think LaRocca writes that kind of length well), a few of the plot elements could've had more depth to them, particularly the backstory of Ashley's child, Bailey, and their relationship. Ashley's own queerness and his reaction to Bailey's felt like something that needed more space to really make the queer horror element of this book work. However, this is one of my favourite Eric LaRocca stories I've read, combining a good concept with a narrative written through a distinctive perspective, and I was glad to enjoy it after not being a big fan of Everything The Darkness Eats.

Utterly original, like a handbook on why not to become a serial killer though not humourously. The thoughts that may perforate your subconcious sometimes explored, othertimes best left be. This made me reel in disgust and horror and melt with the tenderness of some parts. A very sensory read.

At this point I don't think there's anything Eric LaRocca could write that I wouldn't like. This had me hooked from the first page and I couldn't put it down I went into this not really knowing anything about it and honestly I feel that's the best way. This not only had the main story but 2 little stories interwoven which I really enjoyed. Eric has a way of really making you feel for the main characters despite the depraved and strange things they do. I highly recommend.