This is not an easy book. This is not a fun book. If you can get through it this is an important book for both the writer and the reader. This is obviously a way for the writer to deal with what had happened to them. And for the reader that also deals with similar problems this can also be extremely helpful to show that they are not the only one.

Wow. This book is a WILD ride.

Simmons divulges his long history with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and its origins in his most formative years, a time when he was abused, neglected, and regularly sexually assaulted. It's written in such a way that it feels like we're time traveling through journal entries. Trigger warnings aside, book is not for the faint of heart.

Simply put, I didn't know how much I didn't know. DID is so hard to comprehend and imagine as someone that doesn't struggle with it, and Steve's experiences truly terrified me. The level of literal self sabotage escalated so exponentially and he wasn't even privy to it, having instead to piece it together like a detective. Sadly, while Steve often blamed himself for not seeking help sooner, I don't know how much good it would have actually done. His fears of being "thrown into the loony bin" weren't unfounded. And when he did finally trust the system enough to help him, it let him down substantially. ("Take an [unpaid] mental health month." 🥲 Sure, thanks.)

I'd heard from someone else recently that their experience with DID is like being on a bus, you're not always driving the bus, but you're there and following along for the ride. That is apparently not the case for everyone. I hope Steve has found the peace he deserves.

Thank you, NetGalley, for the opportunity to read an advance reader's copy of this memoir in exchange for my honest review.

Wow, to say that this was difficult to read is an understatement. Steven Shelton retells his lifetime of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse from classmates, friends, family members, and even a neighbor, starting at the age of four and going well into his adulthood. Even throughout these incredibly challenging experiences and spiraling mental health, Steven is remarkably bright, driven, and successful at almost every stage of his life, from athletics and debate to a competitive career in law.

"Part of me wished I had a brain tumor, something I could understand."

Above all, this book touches on very important aspects and barriers to getting help for severe mental illness. With the threat of judgment, rejection, confusion, and, worst of all, disbelief from others, Steven, like so many, kept his trauma-induced dissociative identity disorder a secret for as long as he could. Unexpectantly, a serious consequence during one of his blackouts ended up being the thing he needed to turn his life around.

Had the adults in his life protected him as a child, this 40-year spiral of mental illness might have been entirely prevented. My heart goes out to him and the millions of other children raised in chaos, neglect, and abuse.

"..of the many things I wish for you, mercy is nowhere to be found."

I am grateful to have received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily. This was a heartbreaking read, addressing topics including but not limited to child abuse, rape, and dissociation, that may cause the reader to deeply sympathize or empathize with the author, and could also trigger or activate the reader. I applaud the author for having the courage to share his story, including elements of his story that the readers may not support. The writing is clear and to the point, and a style that caused me to not be as connected to the author as I would like to be, however this did not take away from the informative, insightful, and vulnerable stories Steve Simmons Shelton shares. This memoir will teach the reader a lot about the dark, confusing, terrifying, and exhausting experiences of some individuals who experience Dissociative Identity Disorder, and therefore, is an immensely valuable memoir to offer the world.

I found this an intriguing read. There are not many books out there that have a strong focus point on dissociative identity disorder so it was really great to see this area discussed and explored so intently. It shows the resilence and determination of the individual.