This Monster of Mine by Shalini Abeysekara is such a good book. I totally recommend everyone to read this book as fast as they can because it's really good and the characters are fantastic.

I voluntarily read and reviewed an advanced copy of this book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

I AM FREAKING OUT BY HOW DELICIOUS AND AWESOME AND AMAZING THIS IS!!!!! I love the sh!!!t out of it, I am obsessed, I am Kadra's wine glass and Sarai's glower, THIS BOOK IS PHENOMENAL AND I HAVE OFFICIALLY LOST ALL BRAIN CELLS AND COHERENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dark romantasy perfection, people!!! YOU NEEEEEEEEEEED TO READ THIS!!!

Sarai was viciously attacked four years ago, and she doesn't know who did it or why. She vaguely remembers a beautiful voice but not much else. She was born in poverty, without education or a family. All she's ever known is despair and people telling her what she was and what she couldn't do. The world has been awful to her, and yet, she wants to help those who have suffered like her--and there are plenty of those. When given the chance, she goes to Edessa to finally get some power, some status, and some answers about what happened to her. Sarai is angry and determined, persistent and unyielding. She is a force to be reckoned with, and if I didn't hate her enemies, I would pity them because nobody stands a chance against an angry woman who has been wronged time and time again.

Kadra is the brilliant and powerful (in all ways!) Tetrarch "assigned" to Sarai when she becomes a Petitor (a kind of prosecutor whose magical power is to discern lies and truth). He is cruel and brutal, but he is also just and fair. He has a horrible reputation among his enemies and their allies, but he is revered among his people and his personnel. They literally rally around him to protect him even from a naughty Petitor lmao. I loved how they loved him because he deserves it. He puts everything in the line for them. But he has his secrets and he has done things that horrify even himself. I loved him so much! He is the consent king and such an intuitive person. He observes with his keen eyes and evaluates with his sharp mind, and did I say that he is freaking brilliant and CONSENT KING IN EVERY WAY?!?!?!?!

I love every mad and vicious inch of that man. And so will you! Sorry, Sarai, but the man is delicious!

The worldbuilding is Ancient Rome inspired, and there were some things to get used to, but I think it was portrayed very well. My brain cells were all KADRA KADRA KADRA so I had to force myself to focus on some worldbuilding things but that is def my problem lmao. I've been too obsessed with Kadra since the first scene, and well, it's his fault that he fried my brain cells. Anyway, great worldbuilding! Vivid, lush, and absolutely brutal!!!!!! Excellent pacing, as well!! I enjoyed the book's rhythm and I simply went with the flow loving every delicious second of it!

There's some spice but wayyyyy towards the end!

I've been told that this is a duology and whoa how relieved I am because holy sh!!!t I wouldn't be able to handle reality if we only had one book with them!! It's definitely a standalone, though, and it doesn't end at a cliffhanger! You only see the seeds for book 2!

COMPELLING! DELICIOUS! CONSENT KING AND ANGRY GIRL COMBO! DROP EVERYTHING AND READ THIS ASAP!!

I'LL NEVER SHUT UP ABOUT THIS BOOK!!

This Monster of Mine is a standalone Romantic Fantasy and debut book from Shalini Abeysekara and OMG this book is absolutely incredible and interesting, I loved it so much.

This Monster of Mine must be one of the most fascinating and unique books I’ve ever read. Set in a world based on Ancient Rome and with the justice system as one of its main topics, this book kept me on the edge of my seat with so many secrets, hidden agendas and plot twists, I couldn’t put it down. The plot was so interesting, the author really showed her genius with the justice system and based on it magic and I loved how everything that happened was connected and all the little details that later on made so much sense and made all the revelations so much more satisfying, I felt like I was right there in the story with Sarai and Kadra trying to solve the mystery of what’s happening and what exactly happened 4 years before.

Sarai was an amazing FMC, despite everything that happened to her in the past she was really strong and never gave up, I loved how she tried to find the truth of what happened while trying not to lose her morals in the process. Since this book is told from Sarai’s POV, like her, I had so many conflicted feelings when it came to Kadra, but I always love the morally grey MMCs with questionable motives so it was only a matter of time before I fell for him and was rooting for him and Sarai. This book is a bit more focused on the plot than the romance, but I still really loved Sarai and Kadra’s slow burn romance, despite many secrets and their complicated (and hidden) past, they were perfect for each other and I loved seeing them slowly begin to trust and open up to each other, I especially loved all their conversations and how they always kept the other on their toes, they were just perfect together and I loved them.

This Monster of Mine is an incredible romantasy book that I really can’t recommend enough, it has amazing characters, interesting plot and world building, slow burn romance and jaw dropping plot twists. I absolutely loved it and can’t wait to read more books from this author.

Six stars if I could!

This Monster of Mine is a masterclass in fantasy storytelling—combining political intrigue, betrayal, and a rigid class system with a slow-burn romance that keeps you on edge. It’s sharp, dark, and utterly compelling.
The world-building is next level. Set in a scientific, Rome-adjacent fantasy world, it feels familiar yet entirely unique. As a history student who’s studied Latin for years, I was blown away by the care and precision in crafting a world that mirrors real historical structures while being fresh and imaginative. It’s immersive, richly detailed, and so cleverly done that you’ll want to linger in every scene.
The romance? Deliciously tense. It’s the kind of slow burn that makes you ache for every glance and word exchanged. The FMC and MMC share a dynamic that’s equal parts dangerous and vulnerable, with both characters navigating their own doubts and fears. It’s not a romance that overwhelms the plot—it enhances it, adding stakes and depth to an already gripping story.
Thematically, this book doesn’t pull its punches. It examines class struggles, systemic inequality, and societal expectations with a sharpness that cuts deep. But what makes it brilliant is how seamlessly these themes are woven into the narrative—you feel their weight without being lectured.
Representation shines here. Sexuality, gender, and relationships are handled with effortless inclusivity, normalized in a way that feels both refreshing and necessary.
What truly sets this book apart is its characters. They’re flawed, layered, and achingly real. The FMC’s scars play a pivotal role, both physically and emotionally, and the way they’re explored is nothing short of poetic. Strength and vulnerability coexist, making her one of the most relatable and memorable protagonists I’ve encountered in a long time.

This Monster of Mine is raw, impactful, and unforgettable. From the first page to the last, it grabs hold of you and doesn’t let go. Keep the trigger warnings in mind—the author’s ability to evoke emotion is powerful, and some scenes hit hard.

This is a book that stays with you. It’s one I’ll be shouting about for a long time.

I was eagerly anticipating this release since I've seen the author's pitch on reddit ages ago. Enemies to lovers romantasy with forced proximity, murder mystery and bigger political conspiracy in the background? Sign me up. And I must admit, it delivered - the tension, the mounting dread, the plot twists... After 60% I couldn't put the book down and while I usually read a chapter per day, I stayed late at night to finish this. I think it benefitted from being positioned as adult rather than upper YA. Not only do we get an extended spicy scene, but the ruthlessness of the world feels more realistic and palpable with kid's gloves off.

There is HEA to the romance for the romantasy readers out there, but a slightly bittersweet tone to the ending overall, which matches the dark, oppressive and corrupt world created. I swear I would not be happy if we got a neat bowtie ending (cough, Winter's Orbit).

The protagonist, Sarai, once tried to escape poverty and get to an elite mage academy in the capital - she nearly got murdered. Now, older, scarred, with amnesia, ptsd and permanent disability in the form of hand tremor, she tries to seek truth and justice while getting embroiled in a big conspiracy underpinning power plays in the big city.

I liked how representation was done: except Sarai's disability and darker skin colour, we also have a non-binary side character (Anek), a gay side character (Cato) and a lesbian side character (Cassadane).

The romance leaned towards the slow burn side. While there were glimpses of attraction from the get go, it avoided the common problem of characters being smitten too easily and forgetting themselves too quickly. I liked how Sarai reminded herself "he's only nice because he wants to sway me to his side" or "so what he's handsome, he could have been the man who tried to kill me". I haven't seen this trope done well since I've read The Cruel Prince. Protagonists too often forget they should not trust the love interest in enemies-to-lovers plots.

However I'd say it was a bit one-sided enemies to lovers. Sarai suspected Kadra, but Kadra held no enmity towards Sarai and was overly nice to her for a supposed monster and sadist. The worst one could attribute to him was treating people as pawns but that's different from treating them as enemies.

I wish the enmity / suspicion was stronger and suspicions towards Kadra having more hints. All the time I was wondering did he know Sarai is THE girl all along?

I also wish we didn't have a strong divide between who's sexist and classist and who isn't. The best villain is the one you'd never suspect, the wolf in sheep's clothing.

What I truly appreciated is a portrayal of a messy friendship with all its consequences. I miss this dearly in fantasy. Friends are usually idealized ride-or-die people who are more understanding and supportive than a blood family. It was truly heartbreaking to see Sarai have nobody else to turn to and confide in Cisure, while Cisure had a worldview of a person blind to their own privilege and spinning Sarai's suffering to be all about how it was unpleasant for her.

The writing was very efficient in conveying what needed to be said in short amount of words. The dialogues were snappy and to the point. The revelations were acknowledged quickly (I hate nothing more than a character monologuing for paragraphs to convey they finally figured the plot twist out). The descriptions were brief but vivid. Especially when it comes to all the gore, corpses, and mc's ptsd descriptions, they were sufficiently unsettling without falling into gratuitous.

One little mannerism annoyed me and that was how in scenes with Sarai and Cisure the phrase "the other girl" was overused.

Oh, and also the cringe post-sex-scene lines like "good girl" and "you came" joke. For a book this dark and serious it felt like taken from some light-hearted tik tok romantasy.

I really enjoyed the worldbuilding, the magic system with runes, the take on religion, the social system that's theoretically a democracy but actually has a lot of corruption and nepotism. The themes of class injustice and how the rich avoid the law while the poor suffer were extremely strong and very important in this day and age. I feel too many fantasy novels draw the lines of discrimination based on race, having magic, or being a fantasy creature, and not enough of them focus on class divide and discrimination of poor people.

I like how the cover references kintsugi technique which symbolizes Sarai's scars, and that she's stronger and more beautiful due to what she's been through. I usually prefer character(s)'s portraits on the cover, but I've read opinions that an "average reader" defaults to picking covers with white people which disadvantages books with POC characters. From this perspective, maybe it's better to see a marble hand than a portrait of a brown-skinned girl on the cover. Even though I love unashamed portrayals of all races and cultures in fantasy. We need to celebrate them more.

I'm slightly disappointed though the scene the author posted on the social media with Sarai holding a dagger against Kadra doesn't seem to be taken from the book. I'd love me some good "knife to the throat" scene. However, there was plenty of "female rage" nonetheless and despite the claim Sarai is a "quiet girl" she was plenty proactive. I wouldn't call her quiet, more like not having much expectations from life and others. What can I say, jaded, cynical and a bit bitter protagonists are my favourite.

This was an extremely strong debut, well-written, well-plotted, with characters you either love or love to hate. Here's to my 2025 reads staying as strong for the rest of the year.

Thank you Netgalley, and Hodder & Stoughton / Hodderscape for the ARC!

I loved this so much!
It was written SO well. I flew through this book so fast.
The setting was beautiful, and I hope we get more books like this from Shalini Abeysekara!

"Because the madman she'd set out to ruin was everything the most desperate, anguished parts of her had always craved"

To say I ate through this is an understatement! This gives you slow burn all the way through, and oh lord, it makes it so worth it. Although the beginning feels somewhat slow, understanding the world and law is needed, which helps build the drama for later.

If you are looking for a short fantasy mystery make it this book! It's truly worth every second!

I loved this book. Even though this book is set in a fantasy and historical universe, it felt so relevant to the world we live in today. Reading is usually an escape for me, but this book strikes the perfect balance between being entertaining and hitting uncomfortably close to home. A brief summary of This Monster of Mine is about Sarai, who was almost murdered, and then 4 years later she returns to the capital to become a Petitor (similar to a prosecutor), whilst also investigating and plotting her revenge on who attempted to kill her, which is made easier when assigned to her number 1 suspect, Kadra, a Tetrarch (similar to a judge).

What I love about this book is the depth and complexity in characters and worldbuilding, which are the most important aspects for me. Despite the story having a fantasy setting and being inspired by Ancient Rome, the book felt realistic and relatable, exploring themes of political and justice corruption, abuse of power, the wealthy avoiding consequences, and blind faith in religious and political leaders. Sarai works with Kadra to solve murders of former Petitors, but as she goes deeper she discovers secrets that could put her and everyone around her in danger. The world is so rigid in its beliefs that they have to fight against everyone, including one of their friends.

The political intrigue and the fight for justice were my favourite parts of the story, but I also enjoyed the romance. It had one of my favourite tropes: enemies to lovers. The romance felt natural and well developed without overshadowing the central plot of murder and corruption. I loved this book and know I’ll read it again in the future. I’d recommend it to readers of any age. While teens might not understand all the real world parallels, they’ll still enjoy the narrative and characters. Whereas adults will appreciate the deeper messages and meanings throughout the story.

This entire story had me in a trance, I just couldn't stop turning the pages! The world building was next level and the idea of the magic abilities being tied into the justice system was unlike anything I’ve ever read!

As for the romance, I was obsessed from the very first introduction… Kadra owns my heart and soul from this day forward

I would recommend this for anyone who’s interested in reading romantasy with a hint of crime, it was a unique blend of genres Ive never tried before but I definitely will read again!

Rating - 4.75⭐️

I already knew from the synopsis and the fanart that I was going to enjoy this🙂‍↕️. The plot was intriguing since the prologue, and I also really liked how difficult it was to trust anyone. There’s a lot of injustice and corruption at the heart of the world building that Sarai must fight against.

She wants to seek revenge on who tried to kill her four years ago while cohabiting with Kadra, who is one of the suspects👀👀.

I instantly loved Sarai in the first chapter!! I love all her inner dialogue because it’s so funny to me and entertaining. She’s honestly such a mood to me. I won’t say much about Kadra since it’s better to go in blind and get to know him as you read, but he’s morally grey, strategic, and manipulative👀🤭.

Sarai doesn’t trust Kadra AT ALL and I’d be the same too because that man is so enigmatic😭. They have a great slow burn emotional connection despite Sarai having a strong physical attraction for Kadra. The slow burn was so worth the pay off and the tension was INSANEEE!!! Every interaction they shared made me either go like “😳” or “🥹”. You’ll know what I mean when you read it🙂‍↕️✋🏻.

Thank you to NetGalley for an ARC copy of this book.

WOW. This book was incredible!

From start to finish it had me hooked, there was no point where I felt like it dragged and I couldn’t stop reading

The enemies to lovers was perfect 👌🏼 following Sarai on this journey for revenge and answers, not knowing what direction it was going to go was a beautifully tragic story and the writing style was top tier.

Kadra 🥵😍 what more could I say?


*side note; I’m glad I read it on my Kindle as I’m not ashamed to say there were a lot of words in there I had no idea of the meaning 😂 it didn’t affect the story though you soon pick up what is meant

Brilliant! All the stars!! I could not put this down!!
I absolutely loved this.Shalini Abeysekara has crafted a dark, thrilling romantic fantasy that’s as captivating as it is intense. The world-building, is rich, immersive, and feels alive with history and detail and full of complex characters that you can't help but become attached to. Loved both mmc and fmc (love when that happens).The romance is layered, the tension palpable, and the twists left me breathless. It’s a book that pulls you in and doesn’t let go. Absolutely amazing, and I can't recommend it enough!"

Amazing! Loved it!

I was so excited for this book. A dark romantasy with Ancient Rome vibes? I just had to read it.

Kandra was brutal, sadistic, a “mad man” but we love him!! Morally grey to the T. I was loving the interactions between Kandra and Sarai. There was something in particular she couldn’t do and she was really embarrassed by it and his reaction was just…. *happy sighs* There was a part in this book where a small tear fell from me because Sarai was so vulnerable. The spicy scene in this didn’t overshadow this amazing story. It was so beautifully written.

The female rage, the magic system, the storms and the slow burn romance?? Perfect! The ending was amazing. I’m so happy that this is going to be a duology. I need this book physically in my hands.

Thank you @hodderbooks and @Netgalley for this ARC.

From the dedication onwards, this book had me HOOKED! The magic system was really interesting and not something I had read before (it made me wish I hadn’t forgotten so much of the 6 years of Latin I took in school). Going into a new fantasy book can always be “stressful” if it takes you half the book to understand - this was not the case for TMoM and the magic system was just the right amount of intriguing without being too complicated.

The writing, plot, and pacing of the book were well done and kept me on the edge of my seat until the very end. And the political commentary was just *chef’s kiss* and so relevant to what is currently going on in the world. 10/10

The characters were well-rounded and I loved Sarai, her female rage and her need for revenge! The relationships between the different characters (both the romantic and platonic ones) were so interesting and I really enjoyed the complicated relationship between Sarai and her friend Cisure. And don’t even get me started on the relationship between Sarai and Kadra -, the slow-burn, the TENSION! - It was just perfection.

This Monster of Mine is so different to anything I've read in a while and I absolutely loved this debut novel. Set against an ancient Roman inspired fantasy world we follow Sarai who at a young age suffererd a brutal ordeal and was left for dead so four years later she gets the opportunity to return to the capital to become a petitor (similar to a prosecutor but with magic) while giving her the perfect chance to investigate and plot her revenge on who attempted to kill her, she finds herself assigned to Tetrarch Kadra (similar to a judge) her no 1 suspect.

The main thing about this book that I loved was the depth and the complexity of each and every character and the extensive worldbuilding, which even though it took me a little while getting used to once I did it was so easy to understand and get lost in. Even though it was a fantasy book it felt so relatable while exploring and dealing with so many different themes and heavy topics that makes it feel all the more realistic.

While also being a murder mystery which again I was enjoying immensely, it does have a really beautiful slow burn romance between Sarai and Kadra which is more of a subplot but let me tell you this romance was so beautifully written from longing touches to lingering looks and I loved it so much, it was perfectly developed throughout the story so when the spice came towards the end it made it so so worth it. I loved their relationship so much their dynamic is filled with so much uncertainty but it left every interaction between them so compelling, the character growth was also done so well and I really enjoyed how the romance didn't take away from the main plot but instead enhanced it.

Please do check trigger warnings though as the author does an amazing job at portraying some rather heavy themes, topics and emotions with vivid writing that can make it hard for some to read.

Thank you so much to NetGalley and the publisher for the opportunity to read this before publication.

Thank you Netgalley and the publisher for an early copy of this book. All opinions are my own.

I, am flabbergasted, I'm in awe. This was such a devastating debut, Shalini Abeysekara knew she had a story to tell and told it in the most impeccable way. Between the plot, characters and setting there was nothing, and I say nothing, that I did not like.
Plus we're set in a world that is inspired from ancient Rome, and I'm Italian, so I knew it was going to be a good read from the very start.

Kadra and Sarai have climbed their way into my heart, easily claiming the spot between some of my favorite couples. Kadra, all-mighty Tetrarch that seems to know it all, who wears power and manipulation like a glove and Sarai. A fighter, not a quitter, someone that found the courage to change their life after all that's unfair was thrown at heron where forgetting and moving on isn't admitted, not until those who have wronged her- and many other after her- were to be brought in front of a trial.

Trials, another thing this book had plenty of, and that made my interest sky-rocket to the moon. Each trial we had was full of tension (tbh all this book was tension filled and that's once again another scored point) and how Sarai slowly but steadily tore through years of lies and secret hid in plain sight as she researched the truth was so satisfying to read, how she related to each other character (especially our Kadra) was well done. Both her relationship with the remaining of the Tetrarchs and the other Petitors.

AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE TENSION BETWEEN OUR CRUEL TETRARCH AND HIS HEADSTRONG PETITOR? THEIR SMALL SNARKY REMARKS AS THE STORY PROGRESSED? OH I'M ALL IN FOR MORE OF THAT.

This is going to be if not the first then the second time where I've actually wanted to buy the book and have it on my bookshelf.
What an amazing read, the only thing that this book misses for now is a map to help the reader picture Edessa. The rest is amazing stunning, give me 15 of these.

5⭐️ 1.25/1.5

Thank you to NetGalley and the author for providing me with a copy of This Monster of Mine.

This was an excellent read and I loved the dystopian feel created by the author whilst remaining in a fantasy world. I also loved that the whole story was a slowly unfolding mystery and that the reader was left to figure out which characters (all excellent) to trust and how far the corruption extends.

Fans of Scythe would definitely enjoy this and I would 100% recommend this to fans of darker dystopian fantasy with a strong political plot and unfolding mysteries!

I absolutely loved this book. I've been going through a reading slump, but even during my reading slump I had to read this book everyday, even if it was only a few pages. The FMC Sarai was amazing. She had such a strong conflict of what is right and was never swayed from that path. Kadra is an amazing character who we slowly unravel through the book. I love how he's the only one that really sees how amazing Sarai is.

I'm not a big romance person so I loved the very slow burn. The chemistry between the two main characters was perfect. The main plot was getting justice which I liked.

The book was wrapped perfectly and I will be looking for more books by this author.

This book is a stunning masterpiece that wraps you in its dark, intoxicating grip and never lets go. The writing is lush and razor-sharp, filled with an almost poetic brutality that makes every scene feel visceral. The romance is a slow, excruciating dance between power and obsession, with Kadra exuding that perfect balance of cold cruelty and undeniable allure while Sarai is a force of fire and fury, torn between her vengeance and the dangerous pull of the man she wants to destroy. The tension between them is electric, simmering beneath every exchange, every stolen glance, every moment of barely restrained violence. The themes of justice, deception, and power play out in a world so richly crafted it feels like stepping into something forbidden. It is the kind of story that leaves you breathless, aching, and utterly ruined in the best possible way.

It's been 48 hours and I genuinely still don't have words for how much I adore this book! I was wary going into it because it was marketed as a spicy romantasy (literally the other end of the spectrum of what I like to read) but my GOD is that an a simplification of what it is! This book was such a brilliant example of plot, character work, relationship arcs, plot twists, high stakes- literally eventing that you want to make a book good, this executed it brilliantly. It had mystery, conspiracy, social commentary, yearning and pining and angst, and so much buildup followed by just as much payoff! The pacing of this book- I really cannot get past how well it was paced and how that laid such a solid foundation for all the messy personal stuff to come down on and build up from.

There is so much trust in the reader going into the first few chapters- we aren't bogged down by info-dumping so it's a little overwhelming and I was confused about the hierarchy and the magic for a few chapters but it's a very smooth transition into it, and I absolutely loved that the pacing (once again) of the story allowed the reader to gently ease into the world. The magic is so bloody cool- the lightening, the healing, the way healing was a double-edged ability that could also be used to hurt?? And the different skills (?) it took to execute both sides of the magic was such an interesting idea, particularly the way it played into our main character's development and character arc. I like the idea of Ancient Rome and it's so interesting to me so that was a big bonus going into it- that being said, I actually don't know much about it let alone the legal side of that society, so getting to read this was so interesting and felt very novel. I think it holds a different appeal to someone who is familiar with the inspiration (they'll be able to appreciate the similarities/deviations) and someone who isn't (it was like a whole new world opened up, and I was gripped!).
There was a lot of social commentary, both subtle and overt, and I'm not usually a fan of the in-your-face commentary, it usually feels clunky and like it was just dumped in the middle of an otherwise flowing scene. That is NOT the case here. I absolutely loved the way Shalini inserted little quips and comments from both the main and side characters on the flaws of their society and laws etc. in a way that made perfect sense in context and also harked to real-life concerns. It felt completely organic, and I found myself aggressively annotating in the margins of those scenes about how much I loved it! One of my absolute favourite bits of dialogue is when Sarai is being told to stop talking about disparity and poverty and she retorts that that is literally what her life has been and continues to be even though she's clawed her way to a higher position. I stopped reading and just, absorbed that because it's so?? It's very obvious and then she says it and you're like- yeah. Exactly. Let's not get into how much I hated her friend- from the very first page I was scribbling in the margins calling her all sorts of names because the rage that that girl incited- genuinely wanted to punch her through the page (even though I may have a tiny shred of empathy because, yeah things worked out the way they did whatever I'm still going to be a hater). I think any author who can make me despise characters to degree I did here with the bad guys deserves some sort of medal because good or bad, I care very deeply about these people. I was *almost* disappointed when the motivations of the bad guys was revealed, not for any shortcoming of the writing (that reminds phenomenal throughout- matter of fact, it gets better with every page turned) but because it was so representative of real life men in power who do all these heinous things for?? Money? Be serious. It's never a shock but also a big fat question mark when you realise that life could be rainbows and dolphins if men just didn't do what they do when they get a little bit of prestige. Anyways. This all to say that to build a whole fantasy world and have these insane plot points and red herrings and conspiracies and keep the reader LOCKED IN and still have people just be people and have that be so far from disappointing as an ending? Yeah, YEAH she did that!!!

Onto Sarai- my girl- I love that girl so freaking much she's on my list of fave FMCs ever of all time in the whole world and all the other worlds. The way she was written, with so much love and grief and anger and tentative hope and longing poured into her- it could've never been anything less than an absolute joy and pleasure to be in her head for those 400 pages and I cannot wait to be in it again for book 2! She is an incredibly complex character- she has so many warring feelings inside her, informed by her memories or lack thereof, by what people are feeding her, what she thinks the law should be, what she is told it is, and what she reluctantly realises it is. There's a bit- multiple- that says something along the lines of how the law is built to serve the rich and powerful and to keep the common people with something to do so they don't throw a fit (this is an extreme power-phrasing I can't find the line because I'm just a girl and I only tabbed the things Kadra said and I have no shame about it ANYWAYS) and it felt like a punch to the face twofold because you're being reminded that this is the truth for us, and for Sarai but she's just been violently shown it after a lifetime of relying on that very law. I felt so so so deeply for her, every moment of doubt, every time she apologised for her rage to the one person she loved most and trusted- "I just believed you" made me throw up- every time she had to drag herself back up and out of the door to do what she believed so deeply that she physically couldn't stand back from dolling it out. Of all the characters I've ever read there are few that I've identified with as much as Sarai and so seeing her become the version of herself that is able to stand in front of a whole stadium of people, bear her scars, and be vulnerable, and be okay with that because she believes in what she's doing was somewhat cathartic. Seeing her get the love she deserved, being validated for her anger and her resentment, being told that she's allowed to make mistakes and be imperfect and keep coming back and still be worth something- I will be rocking up to my therapy sessions with this book as a guideline LOL

Onto Kadra- I have so many words and so few coherent thoughts and as someone from something once said (was it Emma?) If I loved [him] less, I would be able to talk about it more. And tbf that's exactly where I'm at with this man. Exhibits A through O of me sending my friends 10 minutes voice messages just giggling and saying oh my god over and over over the course of this read is evidence of that. Everyone loves a book boyfriend who tells the girl that she's the best thing since sliced bread or since cheesecake but a man who doesn't inflate her ego for the sake of progressing the romance? A man who drills into that that he will not hold her to the same perfection she holds herself to, that she is valuable even when she makes mistakes, that she is strong, that her anger is righteous and valid and justified and that she should wield it instead of repress it???? A man who doesn't declare his intentions to avenge her but who shows her over and over again at the cost of his own security and title, a man who apologises for his faults and who promises to shield her (and then follows through- I'm convinced that if he [redacted] earlier, that shield would have still held up for as long as she needed it to to be safe argue with the damned wall!). "My Sarai" when I say that sent me spiralling, I do not exaggerate. When he said that this was all for [redacted] and then said that everyone involved, HIMSELF INCLUDED, would be [redacted] once he [redacted]. When I say I bawled I'm being painfully literal. And every. Single. Time. He lifted her chin up- particularly the time when he was all bloody- yeah, yeah, I am just a girl after all. I loved the moments where Sarai was ogling him because yeah she's strong and has stuff to do but she's also just a girl and he is a hottie of a calibre untested before now. Also I'm not fully convinced he's fully human, I'm just not. This is based on evidence but is yet to be canon.....yet being the key word.....

I also loved that the romance felt organic! It wasn't rushed or toxic or harmful, it felt real. She spent so much time being so conflicted, and the way she was allowed space and time both by the author and by Kadra to work through those doubts and prove them wrong herself!!! And then to trust him in the way she did because he had proved over and over that he was good- it's really something. I love the pacing of when they got together; that they were able to go from reluctant coworkers to allies to friends and then lovers but in a non-linear way that spoke to real connection and so much thought being put into their dynamic beyond enemies-to-lovers for the sake of it, the obvious consent (even if sometimes it wasn't verbal) in all corners of their relationship. I really hope book 2 explores more of their dynamic and doesn't fall into the trap of now that they're together all is well forever and always and all they do when they're in the same room is shag with no real development of their relationship or individual characters, which so many series do unforch :( (but I trust that she loves these characters even more than I do so I know book 2 will be phenomenal!)

There's honestly so much between these two that would require me trauma dumping to explain why I loved it so much and this is just not the place to do that LMAO but this book was healing in so many ways and forced introspection in the gentlest of ways. It felt (sans the gut wrenching angst and the unparalleled stress that rivalled the stress my anxiety causes me when I have to do a menial task) like a warm hug- one of those that doesn't end till you let go first. You can feel and see how much love and heart the author poured into these characters, this world, the pursuit of justice in all its forms here, and it honestly makes such a difference.

I also loved the side charters- every single one of the ones that weren't evil lol. They were all fleshed out without taking from the main group, they had backstories and lore and separate motivations that all fed into the plot and the way things worked out and how everyone interacted with each other. From Gaius and Anek who got more page time to the nameless people of Kadra's Quarter to the grieving families of the Petitors. They were all so very real and held their own little worlds within them I felt and saw even if they were just side characters. It's so impressive to read a book and feel like you've stepped through a portal into that world and this book did exactly that. It was honestly transportive!

I don't think I have a single complaint for this book except maybe my eye twitched a little when he said good girl- did not love that- but the girlies will eat it up so it's only half a complaint LMAO

I feel that I've written as much as I can, this book is so special to me, and I hold it so close to my heart for many reasons, but I struggle to put all those feelings into words because of how big the feelings are.