Not what I was expecting based on the title and the blurb. In truth, the question asked in the title isn't really answered, and the chapters laid out as questions rarely get answered, either, in their section (for example, the 'Are you ever jealous?' section hardly talked about jealousy...)
It's not a bad book, but it is in fact a memoir of a woman's wants and needs and how she 'forced' this open marriage to happen. Did it work out in the end? It appears so...but that's also just the thing - at the end, we don't really know, and we have to take her word for it, because the other party in this marriage - her husband - is barely, if at all, present in this discourse.
What grated during this read was the utter self-centredness of the narrative - a succession of 'I, I, I', 'me, me, me', "I want ___ at whatever cost', 'I need ~~~ and damn the consequences'. I was expecting more consensus, more leverage of feelings, more 'this is how it works' and how this partnership makes it happen rather than a sort of 'this is my life and what happened to me excuses/allows/permits my behaviour and I decided I want this so I'm going to get it, full stop.'
Read for a memoir about a woman self-centredly pursuing 'her' fulfilment, not for how an open marriage actually works

A really insightful book into Deepa's life in a non-monogamous relationship. The book is really open, honest and accessible to everyone. Although, not familiar with her experiences; I really felt I could understand where she was coming from and how this type of relationship works in her own marriage. Even if this is not the relationship structure for you there were so many moments of wisdom that applies to everyone like open communication and the development of self and relationships. I found it so interesting to explore the development of Deepa's marriage and the missteps with lessons they learnt along the way. Overall, it was an enjoyable and informative read.

I really enjoyed this book for a variety of reasons. It is a topic that I imagine for those who don't know how an open marriage works could be of interest. Paul unpacks her non monogamous life in a careful, thoughtful way.
I think the format of opening new chapters with questions is a good one.

I wish to preface this review by saying that it was not for me this book, in terms of me just not enjoying the subject.

I continued reading as the author writes very well. It was an interesting perspective and the authors openness and insight's shed light on the realities and also joys of being in an open marriage. A very interesting lady too, the author.. it’s very raw and reflective and certainly thought provoking. I did find the first few pages off-putting and as a result nearly did not continue.

Ask Me How It Works by Deepa Paul is a raw, honest, and thought-provoking memoir that provides an intimate look into a life that, while unconventional, is grounded in communication, honesty, and love. The premise of the book—Deepa balancing a relationship with both her husband and her boyfriend—might challenge some readers, but it offers a beautifully told exploration of personal desires, the complexities of relationships, and the importance of self-understanding.

What stood out to me most was how Deepa highlights the constant evolution of her marriage. She shares how her relationship with her husband, once rooted in traditional expectations, transformed over time as they both explored their desires. Their ability to communicate openly, without shame or guilt, about their feelings and fears resonated with me. It is refreshing to see a couple embrace change and growth together, even when faced with difficult questions. This memoir challenges the traditional notion of what a marriage "should" look like and instead celebrates the idea that relationships can be dynamic and multifaceted.

Although I did not personally agree with how Deepa's open marriage began, I deeply appreciated her vulnerability in telling this story. This book is not just about the logistics of an open relationship; it is about how Deepa navigated her desires and what it meant to be a mother, lover, and partner. The honesty with which she explores her own identity and the evolution of her marriage is inspiring. It is not always easy to ask for what you truly want, and her journey toward sexual liberation was particularly empowering in its openness.

The reflections on how Deepa transitioned between identities—mother, lover, wife—offered a powerful reminder of the complexity of personal growth. Relationships often demand reinvention, and this memoir makes you think deeply about how to navigate that process. It is an eye-opening book, making readers question traditional relationship structures while showing that there are many ways to find happiness and fulfilment.

If you are looking for a memoir that challenges conventional ideas about relationships, Ask Me How It Works is a fascinating and thought-provoking read. While it might not resonate with everyone, it offers a perspective that is full of courage, authenticity, and compassion. This book stays with you long after you finish reading.

Read more at The Secret Book Review.

I found this real life account of what it’s like to be in an open marriage very interesting. Whilst I didn’t agree with how it all initially came about I did like the way that they kept changing and growing together whilst always communicating to each other how they were feeling and what their fears were. It’s always good to break the mould, long may their happiness continue.

Thanks to Netgalley and the publishers for an advanced digital copy in exchange for an honest review.

This book was much better than I expected, however it also was completely different to what I was expecting. I didn't expect it to read like a biography/ memoir. However I still really enjoyed it

Initially I wanted to give this book 2 stars but decided to add an extra one, considering the author writes really well and is a decent wordsmith.

My beef with this book comes from the fact that I'm fed up with the stories of discovering non-monogamy written by privileged individuals (if you manage to own a home in Amsterdam on one spouse's salary then this alone screams privilege, as well as being able to pay for hotel rooms or travels to be able to accommodate any endeavours outside the primery relationship).

I also struggle to understand the purpose of "Ask Me How It Works" - it is organised around questions that people may have around non-monogamy, so it seems like it supposed to be educational. However it's far from it, unless you read this book and do mostly the opposite. Yes, some open relationships stem from infidelity, yet here it seems like very little restorative and introspective work was actually done. It also seems like one of the partners was actually pulled to non-monogamy and rationalised it, against previously communicated values.

Another thing I'm quite fed up with is romanticising Amsterdam and portraying the Netherlands as the pinnacle of free love and sexual openness. Maybe it is - in some (privileged) circles of wealthy expats.

If this book wasn't supposed to educate and normalise non-monogamy (because it's certainly not doing that), then it seems like was rather a self-indulgent memoir project, green-lighted on the premise of open relationships still being considered a trendy topic.

Deepa Paul offers a brave and insightful perspective on marriage and love.
I had high expectations and perhaps wrongly estimated the memoir aspect of this - I have mixed feelings about certain parts. In a way, I appreciate her honesty and her talking about motherhood, her family background, and all the different identities she has. The writing did not fully click with me, but this may not be the case for other readers.
3.5 stars rounded up.

Ask Me How It Works : Love in an Open Marriage. This book wasn't quite what I expected. It is more of a biography and full life story rather than just the juicy bits. To be honest I didn't really want to read a generational history, as I found it all so unrelatable. I did skim over lots. I am glad it works for them, and the author is brave to write about it all, but it wasn't a book for me. I think there will be lots of people who will love it and find a connection, but as the title question was so direct, I was expecting it to be more focussed.