The author was living a "normal" life as a British immigrant in Connecticut with wealthy, absent husband and four children, in her 40s, when the realisation came upon them that they were gay ... and then that there was more to it, that they should be a man. This is the story of that transition, made more difficult by the very traditional, upper-class family set-up: Oliver knows it's not exactly empathy-inducing to complain about upper-class privilege but you can see how exposing and strait-jacketing that world can be, and of course, as in any community, gossip spreads fast and the patriarchy gets to state what's what. It's interesting that the author spent the time he could have been finding out about feminism and queer issues raising four kids, so had a lot of catching up to do. Alternative communities to the mainstream are emphasised and celebrated, from the local mid-life lesbian group to the queer bookshops of New York. You really live in Oliver's head and the book is structured nicely, starting and finishing in a local diner where the author first watched a motorcycle rally and wondered if they did fit into the life they were living, returning as a fulfilled trans man with an accepting group of children ten years later. Very interesting.

Blog review published 11 March 2025 https://www.librofulltime.wordpress.com

Poor Oliver .
He really went through the mill.
As an English mother of 4 the other was really changed from that from him finding out he was a lesbian and dating woman but then realised he was a transgender man .
It was a really sad but inspirational read .
I loved Oliver so much.
His husband and parents really really supportive and the 4 children.
I adored this book so much.
I will definitely buy a physical copy or ecopy of the finished results .

‘Frighten the Horses’ is the memoir of Oliver Radclyffe’s transition after decades of questioning and struggle. It is full to the brim with a range of emotions from gender euphoria to heartbreak; allowing the reader to stay engaged and follow the story a lot deeper than other books, which do not introduce emotion at all into the story.
The narrative is an immersive experience as we are taken through Radclyffe’s life and his transition journey, allowing it to be reflective as well as an intense read in some parts, creating a complicated story, which is a challenging read. This is the case especially if you resonate and relate with any part of it. As a queer woman, I understood some of the challenges faced throughout the memoir, though it also gave a lot of insight and knowledge into the process of transitioning such as the dysphoria one feels, as well as phantom limb sensations, and dealing with masculinity.
This book is an opening into someone’s journey, so it almost feels like a privilege to know so much about someone’s life and feelings; especially through a life-changing experience like this. Radclyffe includes the majority of his family in the story, showing how compassionate some of them are, and showing the negativity of his ex-husband. It is never over the top or dramatised in a fashion, to create an eccentric storyline to keep the readers engaged; it is a realistic read, where we see all the insecurities, all the sadness, and all the relatable emotions that allow us to feel connected to the author, whether we relate to the main focus of the story.
Overall, I would say I enjoyed reading this memoir from an educational perspective. Agreeing with what someone else mentioned in their review; Radclyffe describes real people with mental health issues as ‘demented’ when referring to ‘the demented hoarders in E.L. Doctorow’s Homer and Langley.’ This is not language that felt acceptable, especially coming from a person who has been through so much and should understand what being called names – especially negative connotations – can do to a person.
I also felt I was probably not the right main audience for this book however educational I found it. I probably would not read it again, and for these reasons, I will be giving it 3/5 stars.

Frighten the Horses is, on the surface, an account of a trans man coming out after decades of struggle. Oliver shares how he grappled with day to day difficulties and even physical illness caused by striving to be the person society told him he was supposed to be. This memoir is far more than a coming-out story. It’s rare to find a book that makes you feel as though you’re not just reading, but living within its pages. Frighten the Horses is one of the most captivating and unputdownable memoirs I have ever encountered.

Oliver’s storytelling and the way he structures his narrative create an experience so immersive and powerful that I found it nearly impossible to put the book down. This memoir is an emotional rollercoaster in the best possible way, from trans joy that leaps off the page, often creeping up on the reader in the most tender and unexpected moments, to entire chapters I read with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. Oliver has an outstanding ability to pull the reader alongside him through every triumph and heartbreak. His portrayal of both his family and his chosen family is breathtaking, at times beautiful, at others deeply painful, but always honest and deeply felt. I know I’ll be thinking about this book for a long time to come.

My one critique is the use of sanist language in one instance. When describing sorting his possessions into piles, the author refers to his home as looking like it belonged to ‘the demented hoarders in E.L. Doctorow’s Homer and Langley’. Not being personally familiar with the Collyer brothers, I was disappointed to find that the author chose to refer to two real people with very real mental health disorders as ‘demented’. This moment felt out of place in an otherwise deeply thoughtful and compassionate book.

Overall, I would widely recommend this insightful and necessary memoir. As always, be sure to check Content and Trigger Warnings before diving in.

Thanks to NetGalley and Atlantic Books for the e-ARC. All opinions are my own.

TWs/CWs: Graphic: Sexual content and Dysphoria. Moderate: Ableism, Homophobia, Suicidal thoughts, Toxic relationship, and Transphobia. Minor: Drug use

I learned so much from this memoir. Radclyffe is very open about his experiences and the slow transition which was held back not only by external factors but also by his own internalised biases about the LGBTQIA+ community.

The struggle between considering his own needs versus those of his family and other loved ones was one I felt Radclyffe addressed very thoughtfully. Including some of the conversations that were had between Radclyffe and his children, partners and parents was a great way to include questions many of us may have about transitioning or coming out as gay.

I will definitely be recommending this memoir far and wide.

So incredible. I often feel like there is a huge hole in the genre at the moment where transmasc voices aren’t given the platform they deserve and I am so glad that Radclyffe is a figurehead for filling that hole. A masterful storyteller with such a profound outlook of his life and transition, I adored it.

Frighten the Horses follows the many transitions of Oliver Radclyffe, from carefree country bumpkin, to rebellious biker, stay at home wife, to queer woman and finally a trans man. This book is an important piece of representation and I learned a lot reading it. This book is both profound, heartbreaking, witty and informative. I found myself rooting for Oliver to overcome his struggles and find himself and his peace. He is remarkably honest throughout, and I particularly appreciated that he acknowledges his various privileges and takes accountability for his decisions and behaviours.

As a trans masculine person myself, there was plenty here that echoed my own experiences but lots to learn from too. I'd recommend to both other queer people and to people looking to learn more about a transmasculine and trans identities.

Many thanks to Netgalley and Grove Press UK for the eARC in exchange for an honest review.

Frighten the Horses by Oliver Radclyffe is a moving memoir following his transition in his 40s.

Radclyffe's writing straddles the past and present making for a compelling read you feel emotionally invested in from the beginning. 'Frighten the Horses' is a title inspired by the phrase that means to cause public outrage or offence; this is very timely with the new administration in the USA where trans lives are threatened and endangered even more so. Radclyffe's memoir is incredibly important as it highlights the existence of life-saving groups which saved his life, and the lives and sanity of many others. It reminds all how important community care must remain, especially as Radclyffe's experience also demonstrates how isolating transition can be and how integral safe spaces and relationships are.

Radclyffe does not shy away from questioning his internalised homophobia and transphobia during transition too. This, in particular, is what provides this memoir with a sense of 'required reading' for many. As it asks the questions many who are not sure about gender and body dysphoria, or have little understanding about transition, likely have.

Thus, Frighten the Horses is a book for everyone, and should be read by everyone. It is sincere and it is hopeful; I am grateful to Radclyffe for sharing his story with us.