If Only I'd Known

★★★★ ☐ The publisher has provided a copy for review.

All of us have narcissists in our lives, those people who suck the air out of our lungs into their own ... without ever saying, "Breathe with me," or "Enough already! They exhaust us - by proximity or demands - and make us feel like we're worth nothing.

But how do you deal with them, especially when they are family or close friends? Cole uses her experience in therapy to explain the what, how, and when of understanding six kinds of narcissists and setting boundaries for self-health.

Worth reading, especially if you're tired of being drawn into all that drama! Your daily test of endurance is about to find worthwhile insights about recognizing the cycles of abuse and trauma ... and the courage to be inspired beyond the chaos and mindset that narcissists produce.

You're there? Here's help for when to say yes and when to say no, for coming to terms with "that person." (If you suspect the narcissist might be you, there's help for that, too.)

Many people have been the victim of narcissistic abuse according to the author. Directly, through a controlling boss or partner or relative, so this is an important book which sheds light on the topic. It shows you how to recognise the different types of narcissist and how to set boundaries. Thank you to netgalley and the publishers for giving me a copy of the book.

Well this was an eye-opening book. It has a lot of basic Counseling 101 principles in it, but largely geared toward NPD and folks who have been unwitting victims of NPD. I would recommend it for anyone who is trying to break out of a toxic relationship, as it helps to identify patterns and gives strategies for creating new, healthier habits.

Written in layman's terms, this book focuses on the narcissist and how they tick. Why they are the way they are, the many ways NPD manifests, and the many ways lives are destroyed by being victim to a narcissist. The last third of the book introduces techniques to reclaim one's individual identity and boundaries, separate from being associated with the narcissist.

If Only I'd Known
by Chelsey Brooke Cole
How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth

How I wish I had this before. It is a very helpful book to change the way you see some people, to distant and save yourself from insanity.

Thanks to Netgalley, and Chelsey for giving me the chance to read and preview this book in advance.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a disorder like no other, It’s hard to even fathom that people like this exist.
It’s hard to explain it to others unless you have experienced it firsthand. It’s hard to even understand yourself what is happening. But you know that something isn’t right with this person, you know that this person is disordered, but are unable to find the right words to describe it, it leaves you feeling confused, and disoriented. And If you were like me, and happened to come up on a random article about NPD, and realize this, this is it, and feel relieved to understand that there is a name for what is happening to you. The more you learn, the scarier it becomes to realize the narcissist behavior, is intentional, and calculated.
As for the book, I loved it for many reasons. First being it was written straightforward, in simple terms, and to the point. The book was also divided into sections that made the book easy to read, and understand with descriptions of each type of narcissism, their tactics, and about healing yourself. Chelsey has great insight, and precise knowledge of this disorder, which to be honest, many therapists themselves do not understand narcissistic personality disorder. I hope that this is something that will change as this disorder is being discussed more than ever.
I would definitely recommend reading this book to anyone who has had the unfortunate experience of having a narcissist in their life. I would also recommend family, and friends of an abuse victim to read this book as well. It will give you insight as to what your family member, or loved one is experiencing.

I will share/tag the author in my social media accounts, for some reason it’s not excepting my URL here

For six years I was in a narcissistic relationship. I didn't realize it at first, but finally started recognizing the patterns. Chelsey is spot on with every dynamic of this topic. I felt every emotion possible while reading this, which says a lot for me. I stuff all emotions deep, deep down in the abyss. Through this amazing text, I have learned how to truly heal. Thanks Chelsey!!

I really appreciated this book, and the way it was written. The book really lays out step by step every part of the process in figuring out whether a loved one is a narcissist and how to heal yourself from all the past trauma. The book is very thorough in explaining the different types of narcissism and the way in which it can affect every aspect of a survivor's life. The book also fully fleshed out the entire range of emotions a survivor may feel when interacting with a narcissist. Finally, the book described specific steps a person can take when healing from narcissistic abuse. I learned a lot from this book, and I appreciated how much effort went into explaining all the different aspects of knowing someone who is a narcissist.

Perfect for anyone who hasn't read anything on narcissists. Comprehensive.
Thanks to author, publisher and Netgalley for the chance to read this book. While I got the book for free it had no bearing on the rating I gave it.

So much of what was shared in the book spoke directly to me and where I am in my journey. It gave me hope and encouragement as well as tools to get through the days when it feels like there is no forward movement toward healing.

I received this book for free. This does not impact my review in any shape or form.

If Only I’d Known, by Chelsey Brooke Cole, is a self-help guide dedicated to helping individuals heal from narcissistic abuse. The book is divided into three sections. Part One: The Inner Workings of a Narcissist, teaches the tolls that a narcissist will use to make their “loved ones” more codependent on them for validation, support, love, and everything in between. Part Two: Finding Yourself, details coping skills, both beneficial and maladaptive, that an individual uses to survive narcissistic abuse. Finally, Part Three: Healing Your Past, Present, and Future offers different strategies that an individual can use to either eliminate the narcissist from their lives, or at the very least, minimize the mental and emotional pain they go through when interacting with said narcissist.

While the personality disorder in and of itself is rare, there are people who have a lot of narcissistic traits that have resulted in pain for everyone around them, themselves included. There are people who cry out, “Why doesn’t anyone love me?” not bothering to see the impact of their own behavior. Because of this, I feel that this book not only helps individuals deal with the abuse, but will also allow them to walk away without any guilt. I especially enjoyed the exercises that were listed towards the end, from the CALM acronym, to the encouragements in practicing positive self-talk and gratitude. The book has a mixture of inspirational and therapeutic tones that acts as a soft nudge to encourage them to heal, whether it be by themselves or with others.

Helping people who have experienced domestic violence and sexual assault has always been a special interest of mine, so I can definitely see this book pair well with other resources such as 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life by Bill Eddy and Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. The book also reminds me of a relationship class for women that this rehab center I interned at used to do. The class talked a lot about codependency, violence, why we come back to partners who have abused us, ect. True, individuals who have abused may have, in turn, been abused in the past. Similarly, there was a parenting class I helped teach in the facility as well, and in the curriculum, an emphasis of healthy boundaries was made over and over and over again. It really just shows that narcissists can be anyone, whether it be a parent, a partner, a sibling, and more, and that it was important for us to be protective of ourselves with everyone. However, while that means we can feel sorry for them, even love them, that doesn’t mean we need to allow these individuals to keep hurting us.

Because of this, I would give this book a 4.5 out of 5 stars, and would recommend it to those who are experiencing narcissistic abuse, codependency, ect.

This book chaellenges sterotypes well, and got me thinking. It had unexpected twists and turns that keep you reading. I would like to see more character development.

Have you ever wondered just what a Narcissist is, or suspect you have been a victim in a Narcissistic relationship? In my case I hadn't even come across the terminology Narcissist until I was researching my own personality trait of being an Empath having just come out of a very abusive friendship. If Only I'd Known by Chelsey Brooke Cole provides excellent information on Narcissists in an easy to read format that can be readily understood. Taking one through descriptions of the various Narcissistic personalities, their behaviour towards their victims, the thought processes of the Narcissist, from the lack of empathy, unaccountability, gaslighting of the victim, and discard stages. The book then goes onto explaining why very sensitive people such as Empaths are prone to being targeted by the Narcissist, how to prevent that by setting healthy boundaries, and how to move onto healing from Narcissistic abuse.
For me, personally, the book ticked a lot of boxes and had more than a few 'Wow!' moments. I can thoroughly recommend the book as a must read to anyone who has been in a Narcissistic relationship, or is presently in one. If Only I'd Known will certainly open your eyes.

When your realization and acknowledgment of a relationship with a narcissist begins, it’s extremely necessary and helpful to gain knowledge. Knowledge is truly power; power to understand, process, protect yourself and begin to heal. Whether it’s from previous or current relationships, emotional abuse from a narcissist leaves lasting trauma that needs healing. Reading books, researching through various social media platforms, listening to podcasts and personal reflection are essential. I found Chelsey Brooke Cole on Facebook while searching for answers about my own personal experiences with a narcissist. Her content led me to sign up for her emails and I diligently followed her content on Facebook and Instagram. I started reading every book I could to help me begin to understand what was happening in my relationship, acknowledge patterns in my current and past relationships and how to cope and eventually create healthy boundaries for myself to heal. I was so fortunate to be a part of the pre-launch team for Chelsey’s new book, “If I’d Only Known”. If even just the title resonates with you, be prepared for connecting deeply with each page of this book. It truly led me into a place of healing. By sharing her professional perspectives and knowledge along with her own personal experiences regarding narcissists, she provides clarity, validation and guidance for those of us who find ourselves or loved ones in relationships with a narcissist. Her actionable insights and advice will help you begin the journey to becoming yourself again and realizing your own value, self worth, and self love. There are many books out there, but this one should be the first one you should read if you want more than just information about a narcissist. Use this book as a map for your own personal journey and story by doing the hard work and applying her knowledge and detailed steps to your own life. It is not always easy to process through so many different emotions but Chelsey’s book should be required reading for anyone dealing with a narcissist and feels stuck, lost, confused or alone and overwhelmed. I’m in a healthy journey back to myself with deep gratitude for learning from Chelsey and her incredible book, “If I’d Only Known”.

For some time now, I have been following Chelsey Brooke Cole on social media. She is a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse therapy who helps survivors heal and thrive after abuse. I am so glad that Chelsey has written a book all about narcissistic abuse and how to heal from such abuse. This book is a good starting point for anyone who needs help sorting through their thoughts and feelings regarding narcissistic abuse and is definitely one to keep on hand to refer to time and again.

This book is meaningfully divided into three parts:

Part One: The Inner Workings of a Narcissist
Part Two: Finding Yourself
Part Three: Healing Your Past, Present, and Future

In Part One, Chelsey clearly explains the different types of narcissists and gives real-life examples of how you can tell if someone is exhibiting narcissistic traits. Furthermore, she explains how these behaviors can affect a victim of abuse. In Part Two, Chelsey explains how to break the trauma bond and find your strength to move forward after narcissistic abuse. She talks about setting boundaries, and how to protect yourself from future potential abuse. In Part Three, Chelsey goes further into the healing process, and teaches you how to grow into a healthier you after finding yourself and offers encouragement to continue to seek help from other resources as well.

Overall, I feel that this book is a must-read for anyone who has been involved in a toxic relationship with a narcissist, whether or not you know for sure that they are a narcissist. Chelsey speaks not only from the perspective of a professional psychotherapist but also from personal experience herself, so you can feel a sense of comfort knowing she speaks with genuine understanding of what you have gone through (or are still going through). You can feel her kindness and compassion throughout the book as she guides you through each chapter.

I look forward to reading more of her work and will continue to follow her on social media for additional resources.

Coming from a dark place, I felt very much alone in my experiences. While reading “If Only I’d Known!”, I felt validated because it was as though Chelsey had been there with me – describing the identical things I endured. I didn’t know what it was and certainly didn’t know what to call it. Her insight has brought significant clarity to my world.

Over the years I struggled to understand why I was being treated the way I was – none of it made any sense. ”If Only I’d Known!” is an excellent read for anyone working on trying to understand “The Why” behind behaviors they are experiencing.

From family roles and patterns to surviving narcissistic abuse – how can I move on? Strategies are aimed toward not only recovery but doing so with one’s dignity and self-respect intact. Explaining how our focus lends itself toward our healing, we learn how to give ourselves compassion and understanding as we travel down the road to recovery. Once I finished this book, the constant that played over and over for me was, ‘If Only I’d Known!’.

Chelsey will take you by the hand step by step describing the type of narcissists, how and why they get narcissistic supply, the definition of narcissistic abuse, trauma bonding, and finally talks about how to heal from all of this. Chelsey normalizes what the individuals in these relationships are going through. She masterfully breaks down the steps on how to survive and thrive despite narcissistic abuse and trauma bonding. You will walk away not only feeling this is doable but realizing you may have already begun to take some of these steps without realizing it. Most importantly she lets you know you’re not alone and it’s okay to be in whatever stage of healing you’re in with or without the narcissist still being in your life.

If I had Only Known is an incredible book that has helped me to start the healing process after being in a relationship with a narcissist for 25 years.
Chelsey writes from her heart (and personal experience). The steps in her book not only cause to think but let you realize that it is possible to escape!
Chelsey’s writing makes it more than a self-help book as it is one that you will be able to read several times and get new insights each time! It is a valuable resource for your healing journey!

Thank you Netgalley for the advanced copy in exchange for an honest review.

This book was really easy to read. I would recommend it to anyone starting to date/ are in your twenties. Chelsey does a great job explaining the behaviour narcissists use to gaslight and control people. The stories included help show the reader what that behaviour might look like in everyday life. There are QR codes included in the book for further research. In addition, the research used by the author was included at the back of the book.

Thank you Netgalley for the free copy in exchange for an honest review.

The book delves into the experiences and problems of people in narcissistic relationships, covering feelings of bewilderment, self-doubt, and mental tiredness. It discusses several kinds of narcissists, warning indicators, and narcissistic trauma bonding.
Cole provides actionable tactics for breaking free from toxic relationships, establishing boundaries, and recovering personal control. It is especially beneficial for empaths and extremely sensitive people since it provides direction on how to set boundaries effectively without sacrificing empathy. The pragmatism and accessibility of the book make it approachable and valuable, with real-life examples and scenarios for applying lessons to personal issues.

This a great healing tool, that will help with understanding and moving forward for all survivors of narcissistic abuse. Not only does this break down what the different forms narcissistic abuse can take, it provides you with the steps to overcome the lasting trauma resulting from it. I appreciated that examples were included – sometimes it’s difficult to realize the situation you’re in, or just left was in fact abusive, even though those on the outside may have recognized it sooner than you.

Thank you to Netgalley for an advanced copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

A well-written insightful book on how to deal with a narcissist, how to deal with it step by step. A must read.

This book was very helpful in explaining how the narcissists in our lives can make us feel like we are the ones who are the "problem" when it is actually that we need to recognize the signs of toxic behavior and how to use appropriate boundaries to protect ourselves from further trauma. There we excellent examples and ideas to apply to support those who are experiencing this journey in their lives.

I really found the personal experiences included in every topic really added to understanding what the author was talking about. Really interesting and helpful.

This book extends beyond mere identification of narcissists (though it does that well), guiding readers through the process of setting guilt-free boundaries, understanding trauma bonds, and ultimately reclaiming a sense of self-worth. With a compassionate and knowledgeable approach, Cole addresses the often-overlooked nuances of different narcissistic types and provides practical strategies for breaking free from toxic relationships. For anyone who has ever questioned their worth or wondered how to navigate the challenging path of healing, "If Only I'd Known" is a must-read, offering guidance, support, and a roadmap towards reclaiming one's life after narcissistic abuse.

Thank you to the publishers and NetGalley for the opportunity to review a temporary digital ARC in exchange for an unbiased review.

If Only I'd Known is a good book for those who are learning about narcissism and toxic relationships. It describes some ways on how to set boundaries and other ways on how to deal with these people.

Divided into three parts, the book exposes the tactics narcissists use to manipulate and control, provides coping skills for survival, and offers strategies for minimising the emotional pain caused by these toxic relationships. Not really a text for therapists but perfect for newcomers to the topic and to share with clients.

Whether you are in a narcissistic relationship, or you know someone with narcissistic tendencies, this book is packed with incredibly helpful information. Chelsey clearly lays out how to spot a narcissist, understanding how and why they behave the way they do, as well as ways to set your own clear boundaries and begin the healing work you need to break free and move on from any trauma they have inflicted. I highlighted a good portion of several sections of the book, and there were many times I had to put it down so I could fully digest the information I had read. I will be referring back to this book for continued help with the toxic relationships in my life.

Thank you NetGalley and BooksGoSocial for my copy of this book in exchange for my honest review.